Here are more funny lines by Rage , whose motto is “I put the laughter back into manslaughter.”:


I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.


I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.

I miss you like a retard misses the point.

Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.

If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?

Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.

Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Yo momma's so fat, she walked past the TV and i missed the first season of Lost.

I still miss my ex-girlfriend, but my aim is improving.

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.

Why do we call them buildings when they're finished? Shouldn't they be called Builts?

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

I told the butcher I'd give him $10 if he got the meat down off the top shelf. He said he couldn't. The steaks were too high.

The Vending Machine Theory : "Stuff tastes better when it falls".
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Coffee just isn't my cup of tea.

rolling  :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

I'm not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.

Life is like a roller coaster, and I'm about to throw up.


I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.


You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.


I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.


Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.


Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?


Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.


I was wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer then it hit me.

8)

Why don't we give credit to the Genius of a guy who wrote most of this amazing one liners "Steven Wright"

HaMeivi Dovor B'Shem Omroi, Meivi G'Uloh L'Oiloim.

I loved this one: "Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off."

At Macy's:
"We put the "cus" back into customer service!"

oh, well.

LIFE

Summary of Life
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground..
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . .. Having a driver's license..
At age 35 success is . . . .having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . .. Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.

AAAHHHHHHH! LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

this should be one of GYE's mottos: Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground..

Moe was heading out of the Synagogue after Rosh Hashana services, and as always the Rabbi was standing at the door, shaking hands as the congregation departed.

The Rabbi grabbed Moe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these words at him: "You need to join the Army of G-d!"

Moe replied: "I'm already in the Army of G-d, Rabbi."

The Rabbi questioned: "How come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?"

Moe whispered back: "I'm in the secret service."

Jewish Proverbs, Most Direct quotes

The ones in bold below, could apply to our struggles as well (with some imagination!)

If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living. Yiddish Proverb

The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks . Yiddish Proverb

What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth. Yiddish proverb

A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right. Yiddish Proverb

One old friend is better than two new ones. Yiddish Proverb

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.  Jewish Proverb

A wise man hears one word and understands two. Yiddish Proverb

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great.."  Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself. Golda Meir

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.  Albert Einstein

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving. Albert Einstein

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. Albert Einstein

You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails. Yiddish proverb

I don't want to become immortal through my work. I want to become Immortal through not dying. Woody Allen

Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton .

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them .  Albert Einstein

7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human
because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it
was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
'They will in a minute..'



A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she
asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and
sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
'Thou shall not kill...'



One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your
hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make
me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher,
she's dead.'



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position
the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made
a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the
apples...'

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3! . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
Into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
You're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure y ou wear clean underwear,
In case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach i! s gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times.
Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
Who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop cros! sing your eyes, they are going
To get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think
I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
Don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables,
You'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think
You were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope
They turn out just like you

guardureyes wrote on 24 Oct 2009 21:03:

Can someone give me the yiddish on these, please? I need to remember them big time. You'll be repaid quietly ;D.

you know you guys are making me have a taivah to have  access to jokes so i can join this game .... in  the mean time it's a riot just reading them.