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The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :)
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Getting out of Isolation and connecting with others is an important part of recovery. This board is for non-addiction related threads, where members exchange jokes, have fun - and drink Lechayim Together!

TOPIC: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 244920 Views

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 09 Oct 2009 00:45 #22459

  • Rage AT Machine
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'

Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henry Youngman

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown

"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway." - Joey Adams

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

"Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back." - Al Bundy

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
Last Edit: 09 Oct 2009 04:13 by Willingtogetout.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 09 Oct 2009 00:47 #22460

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Verizon, AT&T & Sprint have all asked for the Jewish community to please refrain from texting during mishnas torah because the high traffic can cause the systems to crash.
Last Edit: by Pinchus.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 09 Oct 2009 14:54 #22501

  • Rage AT Machine
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Last Edit: by gratefulsmile.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 09 Oct 2009 15:03 #22503

  • Rage AT Machine
On a blanket from Taiwan.
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists.
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

On a Taiwanese shampoo.
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink.
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

On a New Zealand insect spray.
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In a US guide to setting up a new computer.
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles.
OPEN OTHER END.

On a Sears hairdryer.
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

On a bag of Fritos.
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap.
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding.
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On a Korean kitchen knife.
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights.
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

On a Japanese food processor.
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts.
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? And that's bad why?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts.
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)

On a child's superman costume.
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

On some frozen dinners.
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box.
FITS ONE HEAD.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron.
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
Last Edit: by Mit a shmeichel.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 09 Oct 2009 15:19 #22504

  • Rage AT Machine
Tzaddik, we miss you....


frumtube.com/play.php?vid=170
Last Edit: 10 Oct 2009 20:09 by Mitch.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 09 Oct 2009 16:12 #22510

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Man to psychiatrist: Everyone, without exception, thinks that I'm a liar.

Psychiatrist: I find that difficult to believe!
Just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid that first slip.Slip today? No way! ;)Fall today? No way, Jose'!
Last Edit: by basketball23.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 10 Oct 2009 20:40 #22542

  • the.guard
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Kid calls up school principal.

Kid: "Hi, my son is sick today. He won't be able to come to school".

Principal: "Who is this?"

Kid: "It's my father".
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: 12 Oct 2009 00:50 by GarryNst.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 11 Oct 2009 11:08 #22572

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MORE Demotivators®

MOTIVATION. Psychology tells us that motivation- true, lasting motivation- can only come from within. Common sense tells us it can't be manufactured or productized. So how is it that a multi-billion dollar industry thrives through the sale of motivational commodities and services? Because, in our world of instant gratification, people desperately want to believe that there are simple solutions to complex problems. And when desperation has disposable income, market opportunities abound.

AT DESPAIR, INC., we believe motivational products create unrealistic expectations, raising hopes only to dash them. That's why we created our soul-crushingly depressing Demotivators® designs, so you can skip the delusions that motivational products induce and head straight for the disappointments that follow!

E.L. Kersten, Ph.D.
Founder and COO


VICTORY
Winners never fly higher than when they're bouncing up and down on the egos of those they defeat.

VISION
How can the future be so hard to predict when all of my worst fears keep coming true?

WISHES
When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.

WORTH
Just because you're necessary doesn't mean you're important.

SANITY
Minds are like parachutes. Just because you've lost yours doesn't mean you can borrow mine.

THE SECRET OF SUCCESS
What is The Secret? Pretend you've already achieved it- Then offer to sell The Secret to others.

SELF-ESTEEM
Just because you think you're a star doesn't mean you're going anywhere.

SERVICE
View all customers as beautiful buds that must be cultivated, watered, and periodically buried under manure.

STRIFE
As long as we have each other, we'll never run out of problems.

SUCCESS
Some people dream of success, while other people live to crush those dreams.

SURVIVAL
The less you stand out, the longer you'll last.

This one is for RAGE
TEAMWORK
A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction.

TROUBLE
Luck can't last a lifetime unless you die young.

UNDERACHIEVEMENT
The tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the lawnmower

PRIORITIES
Hundreds of years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove... But the world may be different because I did something so bafflingly crazy that my ruins become a tourist attraction.

PROBLEMS
No matter how great and destructive your problems may seem now, remember, you've probably only seen the tip of them

PROCRASTINATION
Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now.

PROPAGANDA
What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies right to our faces.

QUALITY
The race for quality has no finish line- so technically, it's more like a death march.

RECOVERY
Time heals all wounds. But it usually leaves a pretty big scar.

REGRET
It hurts to admit when you make mistakes - but when they're big enough, the pain only lasts a second

RETIREMENT
Because you've given so much of yourself to the company that you don't have anything left we can use.

RISKS
If you never try anything new, you'll miss out on many of life's great disappointments.

SACRIFICE
Your role may be thankless, but if you're willing to give it your all, you just might bring success to those who outlast you.

SACRIFICE
All we ask here is that you give us your heart.

PERSPECTIVE
Less is more. Unless you're standing next to the one with more.
Then less just looks pathetic.

PESSIMISM
Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but lightning kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it.

For the Peace Process in Israel
PLANNING
Much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress.

POSSIBILITIES
With focus, dedication and steroids, men can achieve impossible dreams. Like breaking a world record. Or growing their own breasts.

POTENTIAL
Not everyone gets to be an astronaut when they grow up.

POWER
Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. But it rocks absolutely, too.

PRESSURE
It can turn a lump of coal into a flawless diamond, or an average person into a perfect basketcase.

PRETENSION
The downside of being better than everyone else is that people tend to assume you're pretentious.

MADNESS
Madness does not always howl. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "Hey, is there room in your head for one more?"

MARKETING
Because making it look good now is more important than providing adequate support later.

MEDIOCRITY
It takes a lot less time and most people won't notice the difference until it's too late.

MEETINGS
None of us is as dumb as all of us.

MISFORTUNE
While good fortune often eludes you, this kind never misses.

MISTAKES
It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.

MOTIVATION
If a pretty poster and a cute saying are all it takes to motivate you, you probably have a very easy job. The kind robots will be doing soon.

OPPORTUNITY
I am Dr. Adewole Aremu- a director with the Union Bank of Nigeria in Lagos - and I wish to speak to you most urgently about a matter regarding the sum of $39,000,000 US Dollars...

OVERCONFIDENCE
Before you attempt to beat the odds, be sure you could survive the odds beating you.

PERSEVERANCE
The courage to ignore the obvious wisdom of turning back.

INDIVIDUALITY
Always remember that you are unique. Just like everybody else.

INEPTITUDE
If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.

INNOVATION
If it can make your job easier, it can probably make it irrelevant.

INSANITY
It's difficult to comprehend how insane some people can be. Especially when you're insane.

INSPIRATION
Genius is 1 percent inspiration and 99% perspiration, which is why engineers sometimes smell really bad.

INTIMIDATION
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent, but you'd be a fool to withhold that from your superiors.

IRRESPONSIBILITY
No single raindrop believes it is to blame for the flood.

LAZINESS
Success is a journey, not a destination. So stop running.

LEADERS
Leaders are like eagles. We don't have either of them here.

LIMITATIONS
Until you spread your wings, you'll have no idea how far you can walk.

LONELINESS
If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you're not alone. And yet you are alone. So very alone.

LOSING
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

FUTILITY
You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take, and, statistically speaking, 99% of the shots you do.

GET TO WORK
You aren't being paid to believe in the power of your dreams.

GIVE UP
At some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser.

GOALS
It's best to avoid standing directly between a competitive jerk and his goals.

GOVERNMENT
If you think the problems we create are bad, just wait until you see our solutions.

HAZARDS
There is an island of opportunity in the middle of every difficulty. Miss that, though, and you're pretty much doomed.

HOPE
May not be warranted at this point.

HUMILIATION
The harder you try, the dumber you look.

IDIOCY
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

IGNORANCE
It's amazing how much easier it is for a team to work together when no one has any idea where they're going.

INCOMPETENCE
When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there's no end to what you can't do.

INDIFFERENCE
It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn't take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face.
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: 11 Oct 2009 11:23 by lefko.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 11 Oct 2009 20:55 #22591

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Wherever you get em, I love it! :D
Hashem is addicted to you! Feel His hugs!"Sheva yipol tzaddik VKUM"
Last Edit: by The Goy.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 12 Oct 2009 15:19 #22657

  • Rage AT Machine
to add to your enjoyment of the following, it may help if youre breslov or if youve dropped a few tabs...


frumtube.com/play.php?vid=410

frumtube.com/play.php?vid=444

Last Edit: by A_am.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 12 Oct 2009 16:42 #22681

  • the.guard
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This is awesome! Now I know that the NaNach species are really extra-terrestrial. The only question that remains is, from which star system do they come from? Could it be from that "primate planet" you were talking about in your other post today?  ;D

DISCLAIMER: I REALLY LOVE NANACHS!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: 12 Oct 2009 17:02 by Tus.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 12 Oct 2009 16:50 #22685

  • Rage AT Machine
guardureyes wrote on 12 Oct 2009 16:42:


This is awesome! Now I know that the NaNach species are really extra-terrestrial. The only question that remains is, from which star system do they come from?


thats an easy one:

lazerbrody.typepad.com/lazer_beams/2008/07/the-shtreimel-galaxy.html
Last Edit: by lugman333.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 12 Oct 2009 17:04 #22696

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RATM, you're GREAT!!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: by YZ.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 12 Oct 2009 17:08 #22698

  • Rage AT Machine
are you calling me a (frosted) flake??!?!?!?!?!?! (or as they say in nyc, whatcyoulookinat?)
Last Edit: by Sweetheart.

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 12 Oct 2009 19:54 #22771

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Rage AT Machine wrote on 12 Oct 2009 17:08:

are you calling me a (frosted) flake??!?!?!?!?!?! (or as they say in nyc, whatcyoulookinat?)


GRAPE NUT FLAKY CEREAL.
The primate planet eaters special
Hashem is addicted to you! Feel His hugs!"Sheva yipol tzaddik VKUM"
Last Edit: by Lostbutwillbesaved.
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