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Telling my wife?
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TOPIC: Telling my wife? 7955 Views

Re: Telling my wife? 22 Apr 2018 05:47 #330110

  • eli613
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Thank you I would love to talk more with you. My email is elianonymous613@gmail.com

Re: Telling my wife? 23 Apr 2018 02:18 #330133

  • TrueServant
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Hello, I am a fellow struggler who is in his upper twenties and has struggled for 17 yrs., bh I am happily married with a few children, I to have been to massage parlors plus a whole lot more, thank god I am bh clean for the past 9 months! I cant even begin to describe how good I feel about myself, I feel like I was reborn, I have a new lease on life, I feel like someone who just conquered a serious case of cancer, but just as someone who gets better from being ill has to be very careful about the way he treats his body since it is more prone to illness forever (in most cases), so to do I have to be ever so careful about what I do to myself in this area since I have a sick history and I am more prone to this sickness than someone who was never sick.
back to your question, no I havnt told my wife, & I do not plan on ever telling her, yes I plan on taking this secret with me to my grave (providing that I stay clean & in recovery), while I do agree with everything that was said on the previous posts & yes its possible to gain a way more meaningful connection in our marriage if we do share, & it is very hard for me not to share with the person I care about so much and the person who cares about me so much my deepest struggles that are on my mind every day (as I have posted in the past), and yes I did betray my wife (going so far as to having a love affair with another jewish woman, prostitutes....), and I do owe her a apology.
but for me acting on the advice of my rov & therapist I am not telling her anything as they don't feel like it will be beneficial & it could only backfire in a huge way (this is only about me, I do believe that every situation is different & should be treated accordingly).
you may ask me that what will be with us having that deep & meaningful connection? to which I say that for me in my situation I have to look at it from a different prespective & all ill say is that thank god my connection with my wife has gotten so much better & stronger & meaningful in the past 9 months & it is still getting better & better! when I was busy acting out I was totally not interested In my wife & I was always running the other way (from the day I was married), but now bh I am truly connecting & it is beautiful, I am very vulnerable to her & share my deepest secrets & feelings, so yes maybe its even possible for us to have a greater relationship if I would share my past, but at least now I have a great & solid relationship!
the way I deal with the other point of the feeling of betrayal & that I owe her an apology, is that I think that the biggest favor I could do to my wife at this point is to give her a loving caring husband & father for the kids & I feel like that it is my personal apology, as when I was acting out I was not there for her or the children, but now I am truly all the way part of their lives, and yes my wife has commented that she noticed a big change for the better in our marriage!
all the best, and thank you for reading my boring post
Last Edit: 23 Apr 2018 02:30 by TrueServant.

Re: Telling my wife? 23 Apr 2018 04:01 #330138

  • eli613
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I don't know if you are making this up just to give me hope or make me feel good, but this is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I am on day 31 since my last acting out and I can only hope that I am taking the right steps to recovery. My biggest fear in life right now is that I am vulnerable to act out again, I have been sober for 30 days too many times before where I thought I had everything under control and than a week later, I was back at acting out. If you are open to talking more, I would love to hear from you. My email is elianonymous613@gmail.com

Re: Telling my wife? 04 May 2018 03:01 #330660

  • Cryingforrecovery
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I'm in the same situation working the program but haven't told my wife yet. I can relay to everything you are going true, for me to work the program successfully I would need to make amends and apologies at one point for what I did all these years, but the question is not about me anymore, my dilemma is, one hand if I tell her she will get destroyed and will not be able to handle it and who knows how its gonna affect my wife and kids, other hand she already suffered so much in the last 12 years by my sick behavior being convinced that all of my missing nights is her fault and she deserves therapy and recovery as much as I do, and the only way she will accept recovery is by understanding the abuse she went true and understand that she needs healing as well. I would love to get get a experts opinion on it

Re: Telling my wife? 04 May 2018 05:19 #330666

  • eli613
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Thanks for sharing. Are things fine in your marriage? By saying "missing nights" it sounds like you were away from your house at night with no explanation. Either way, if you feel that it might help her than as you say you should probably get an experts opinion on it. Perhaps after consulting some serious therapists or Rabbi's or whoever, you may think it's a good idea to share with her your story. In my case, I have a very nice relationship with my wife, and I know how sensitive she is about marriage infidelity just from hearing her reaction to stories about other people over the years. I believe that my opening up to her would do more harm than good. My acting out was sporadic. My extreme acting out was usually during work hours or when she was out of town so although it obviously interfered in our marriage it wasn't something that ever got in the way of our relationship in a noticeable way. I would be glad to talk more with you, feel free to email me elianonymous613@gmail.com

Re: Telling my wife? 24 May 2018 04:46 #331297

  • joro
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So I have an "open dialogue" with my wife and I have mentioned many times that I struggled with sexual "taavos"/ issues but never got specific. As of now I have been clean over half a year and I think she has no idea. She possibly thinks I still have issue perhps not. I leave it open for her to decide and dont discuss it. I feel that when the time comes if she needs to know then I will tell her but I dont see the rush.

One thing I do think its very important:
You should be proud of your own success and feel very good about yourself and feel confident when discussing these topics. I think it needs to come from a place of simcha and growth and not from a place of depression.

Just imagine telling your wife, "honey im a terrible person and I have been watching porn and satisfying my self elsewhere to this point in out marriage.. Oh and I see your all upset now but dont worry im trying to stop."
VS
"Hey did you know that I have been working on making our marriage even better lately. Im trying to be more involved in your needs and to be more present with my mind. I used to have distractions often in the form of sexual acting out but I have comitted and am trying hard to beat that and be closer to you. I hope you can help me along with the process"
I think the 2nd way getts the point across better.
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