Let me start by telling you a little about myself. I am a thirty something year old male, happily married with children.
I went to right wing yeshivos and i send my children to right wing yeshivos.
Overall i consider myself to be a good Jew who is attempting to climb the ladder towards shlaimis. I try to daven with kavana, learn when i can, learn some mussar, be careful with berachos, etc.
I guess im just going to come out and say it: I can't seem to be able to kick the habit of masturbation.
When i have a weak night, i typically browse the internet (i don't yet have a filter, and what's the point if i will know the password, i need to set that up with a partner. Plus i have a blackberry, tablet, laptop, computer, etc...) for porn, and the entire episode takes about 25 mins.
I don't think i am addicted to it, as i go months without it. Perhaps i am though, as i have not been able to totally stop doing it either. i can do it 3 times a week for a few weeks, then struggle to stop, then it gets easy to stay a way for a few months, then i slip and fall, and the cycle starts anew...
One can get lulled into the media driven america that we live in, where masturbation and pornography are accepted norms of life, and it can become as if it is permissible, even healthy!
When i do slip and fall, the Y"H tends to be able to cause the depression that follows, and in turn my davening and learning and avodas Hashem in general go out the window, until i can strengthen myself again until the next slip and fall.
So....
i am looking to stop slipping! I have heard about GYE from various places, and it is a little overwhelming to me. I find myself doubting if i actually need it, if i can kick this on my own.
Plus i don't know what to read, which tools to use, where to start, etc.

I would love to hear advice from anyone with some experience!

Thanks,

StillHopeful

Dear imstillhopeful,

Welcome to our community! Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up, up, up!

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information…

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week… This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc… So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not…

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook

This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude

The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

May Hashem be with you!

I'm not an expert of any sort on helping with the addiction itself, but I just wanted to tell you that i sincerely respect you for coming forward and trying to find help. Its very hard and very impressive to finally face it head on. You will be great, you already are for doing this much! REally!

hi and welcome!
i would recommend that you download and read the handbooks linked in the post above. then you can determine which options might help you.
you might also find that bringing this struggle out of the deep dark recesses of the psyche and opening up to another (trustworthy and responsible) person can do a lot to letting you see the issue for what it is, objectively and calmly, without the guilt and distress clouding your view.
you might also gain by reading the stories on the forum of people who have gone through and are going through similar situations.
wishing you lots of hatzlocha
zs

Hi Still!

You might find this page http://www.guardyoureyes.org/?p=2507 useful to gauge where you are holding and what you can do about it!

Hatzlacha,

Elazar ben Durdayah

Thanks so much for your support and kind words!

welcome welcome. the very act of posting is the 1st gigantic step that you take.

Hi bro, welcome aboard, as HS said u did the 1st step
Now its time to get a filter on ur PC and jent or any other filter on ur BB, so even when temptation kicks in u still have a blockage to give u a few seconds to think of what is about to happen, don't dwell too much on the being addicted fact or not, 1 thing is sure that u wana stop but u r not in control of doing it & that's why u hav come to the right place for that, we r all in the same ship, and iy"h by following through with the advice given here u will succeed
KOT

Hi Hopeful.  Could be you're not addicted.  Could be. 

I had to find out by myself

So why try to fix something that ain't broke?

Maybe it's semantics.  Maybe you're not addicted to lust, maybe you're not an addict.  Could be.

Isn't one of the questions to ask, "Can I stop binging and fasting, binging and fasting?" 

Do I even WANT to stop the cycle? 

We all know what a huge averia we are doing.  Indeed, that we LOVE doing.

The issue for me is that I can't stop.  I'll never be able to stop, most likely. 

And when I'm nice and clean and sober and working my little program and it feels like I could never fall again, ever, under any circumstances, I've learned this addiction can drop me like a stone.  I just can't stop...  by myself

I need help. All the time.  Filters, partners, posting, groups.  Whatever works.

But for whatever reason, Hashem made me this way--that I lust, and that I can't stop.  By myself.

Welcome. Much success.  Hatzalah v' hatzlacha

Still hopeful Your situation sounds very similar to mine.
Welcome aboard!
I know the inner struggle that you expressed about do I have an addiction or dont I. My conclusion was its irrelevant, the tools that you can find here, the chizuk from those who are struggling, and the support system is amazing!
Don't go it alone! Follow whatever advice you can find that speaks to you but take advantage of this gift from Hashem.
Thinking about having to post a failure, saved me already this past Leil Shabbos.
Hatzlacha Rabbah!

hi and welcome!

you said: a good Jew who is attempting to climb the ladder towards shlaimis

in this week's parsha- Hashem tells Moshe to make a half shekel.

if the goal is shlaimis - why make a half shekel.. does not make sense.
Hashem showed Moshe half a shekel - and Moshe understood he needed to make the other half.

In other words - we do our part, and then Hashem will complete the picture and bring us to shlaimus!

here is a suggested plan you might try.
when you are in pain (which is really what the desire to act out is all about.. masking the pain)

1. YELL OUT - scream at the PAIN to go away, and leave you alone
2. CRY out to Hashem to take this pain away from you
3. Imagine what life woudl look like without this pain in your life...

be GRATEFUL.
be THANKFUL
Think of JOY and all the things YOU DO RIGHT!

be helpful to others.

post.
ask for help when you need it

Welcome.

Dov.ii

welcome,

i read everyone's posts here on this thread, theyre on target.

Id like to briefly mention s/thing that may never be nogeah your'e whole life, but we gotta be cautious.
You may not be addicted. You may. I saw that.
You may only do m-bating. That's cool with me.
But, no one M-bates in a vacuum.
When we do the aveirah, its because there are a few things lacking in the first place.
The sharei k'dusha ex's how it is middos that cause aveiros.
For example, how can i imagine lusting abt. taking s/one for self pleasure? What ga'avah.
Anyhow, you're well off resourcing at gye to identify and eliminate those things.
There are many like myself who act out because of stress. So here we learn how to not act on impulses, how to be joyful, deal with problems, and live life to the fullest.

Thats all point one.
Point two.

Ive read more than enough posts here, and have experienced myself, that what starts now as m-bating can develop years later into arayos. Trust me on this one.
Believe me, you dont want to make some of the mistakes we made.
So you can use GYE and other resources to blow this habbit out of the sky, so that C"V whan a person (not you c'v) loses briefly his mind over tough tzaros and is staying in someones house with someone who's also looking for *********bec. theyre also depressed, vichulay, vigomer etc.
it kim-at happened to me this way. I read here stories how these things actually happened to others.
So whether youre addicted or not, you dont want to head the wrong direction in life
youve got the tools
now youv'e got the friends
So get into your truck and ride with us!
tzaddik90

Hi, You have come to the right place seeking help. The first step is always realizing that we need help. I am hoping that perhaps I will hear some of the advice I am passing on to you and maybe it will sink into my head as weel.
I read with great sympathy your honest expression of emotions. I am 58 and have the same struggles daily. Sometimes I win sometimes I don't. It's senseless to beat yourself, we just got to kep trying. East to say, hard to do. I almost lost my wife and family because of my addiction. Track down the source of your anger, it may be driving you to porn.
The GYE people have sent me a wonderfull book entitled "The Light of Ephraim". It's not an easy read, but it's jam packed with things I don't want to hear!
Good luck, keep reaching out, never give up.
Your Chaver,
Return Again
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