We are all here rooting for you! 

Keep on making us proud!    :D




It is very impressive & inspiring to see how you are working on growing!

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 18 Jan 2011 23:18:

ditto!
what you wrote under the honesty.....its so true. we just look at women to build up to the next level and so on. thats why they say just a little is actually way way way toooooo much!

Thank you for your support Yosef Hatzadik and HashemsSoldier. 

Reb NoYiush,

YOU are the one supporting US!

We get inspired when we read about the growth in our friends!  :D

Fantastic news, and very beautiful. Being able to see the truth in life is so important - and being able to decide to do what's really in your best interest is an incredible habit to have.

thanks silentbattle for your support.

I am having certain difficulties for the past week.  My yh is constantly telling me how lonely I am and how I'm an older bochur not married, how embarrassing it is. 

And my legs are constantly shaking.  I'm jumpy and I badly want to look at things.  I want to medicate this hole/lonliness that I'm feeling.  If I can't look at things, what can I do to get rid of it.  Nothing else ever got rid of it, except for watching tv (before I was frum), but I don't watch tv now.  TV or movies would just suck my mind in and stop me from thinking about myself.  This is hard, the loneliness is beating me up and making me depressed. Why, why did Hashem create me with such an unsound mind?  Why have I been depressed for so long?  Why am I so lonely? I just want to be sane like everyone else.  It's not fair Aibishter, I can't always control my mind and the depression. I hope the pain will end one day. 

Almost everyone around me is married and has an outlet for urges, and has companionship.  I'm so embarrassed in my community, people are constantly asking me "why aren't you married yet?" as if I don't want to be married.  I would do anything to get married, but I have not found the right one.

Can anyone reading this please say a prayer for me, even a short one.  I don't know what Hashem wants from me.  My problem is depression and lonliness, not porn.  My physical urges are back to almost normal now that I'm more than 30 days clean.  The problem is now that I want to look at things because it will get my mind off other things. Porn helps me escape.  I'm still clean, but weak, please pray for me.  I cried while writing most of this post, I wish the Aibishter would just cure me.  I'm not always so emotional, most of the time I control it pretty well, but I inevitably break.  I'm a broken person, disfunctional, perhaps I will recover shortly I don't know.  Why doesn't Hashem just heal me?  I just need a wife, some companionship.  Maybe I'm not marriageable.  Can it be that Hashem put me on earth not to get married.  I can't think like that, he will give me a wife, I hope, I'm not sure what Hashem has in mind. 

I'm sorry for the rambling, there's just so much pain. 

I feel for you.

I so wish I had the answers for you.  I don't even know what chizuk to offer.... Just know that there is someone out there who feels connected. Together, let's hope some of the wise men of the great GYE Group will post something with which we can strengthen our emunah.




And yes, I am praying for you. :D

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 20 Jan 2011 23:34:


thank you for your kind words

NoYiush wrote on 20 Jan 2011 23:22:


NoYiush, I will certainly attempt to keep you in my mind in my tefillos and I hope that Hashem answers our collective tefillos to help you out of this depression and help you discover your true zivug.

I'm not sure I can tell you what Hashem wants, but I can certainly tell you what He doesn't want.  Hashem doesn't want perfection, he wants what you are doing here.  Heartfelt tefillos and a recognition that He is the only one that can help you.  It's this constant reaching out for Him and striving to improve yourself, that brings Hashem pleasure.

Keep it up and your tefillos should be answered quickly.  We feel your pain.

ur-a-jew wrote on 21 Jan 2011 00:19:


thank you for your heartfelt words.

wow, your situation sounds so hard. whatever efforts you make are all the more valuable because of how much you struggle.
i will keep you in mind at davening as well

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 21 Jan 2011 01:27:

thank you, thank you for your kindness

My dear brother - I hope you don't find this offensive, but your posts make me smile. As you write about how different you are, you may not realize, but you're actually talking about the truth that exists for most of us here. Some people, like you, see it clearly. For others, it takes a while, and for some, they never accept it.

Lust is rarely purely about fulfilling a sexual need. It is usually about an emotional need, a hole, as you put it - something missing, or something bothering us. There's a problem, and we medicate - whether by viewing inappropriate things, talking to people we shouldn't, etc. But it's all to put a band-aid on a gaping wound.

So you ask why Hashem doesn't just take away your urge. I'll tell you why - because he loves you. He doesn't want you to cover up a gaping wound and pretend it isn't there, he wants you to deal with the underlying issues - and as crazy as that sounds, it is possible. Read my thread, from the beginning - I understand what loneliness is, and I went to insane, and dangerous lengths to comfort myself, insisting it was the only thing I could do in my situation.

Boruch Hashem, I was forced to face my issues and grow past them (at least a bit) before I got married, so that my wife was able to marry something closer to a whole person.

You can do the same.

silentbattle wrote on 21 Jan 2011 07:08:


Yes, I understand your points and I agree that I'm medicating, and I'm aware of that.  However, just to note, I'm actually asking Hashem to cure/ heal me from the underlying problems of lonliness and depression, not from the porn.  Frankly, as I mentioned above, my sexual urge is back to normal now and I don't have a massive pull to watch porn.  Fine, I've overcome that, but how do I deal with the wound now?  The depression will not go away and has no reason to go away until I have strong hope of getting married. 

Wow, your pain sounds unbearable. I can identify with the sense of total loss of direction. Also, the chizuk from you guys is amazing!

As I was reading I was wondering what you would do if you found out today that you are NEVER going to get married. How would you live your life differently? If as you say, your sexual acting out is under control then what would your life look like. Would you find [healthy] things to make you feel good? How would you deal with depression and loneliness then? Well, I certainly don't have any idea of HIS plan for your but my sponsor would tell me "get into gratitude", make a list today of 20 things you are grateful for. It helps so much.

Good Shabbos.