Hello, i am new on this forum. My username is TiredOfFalling, and I am currently in a very big crisis.
Last year i was fighting an addiction to p**n. Eventually it got so bad that I decided to get a filter. A few months ago I found a way around my filter, but I couldn't deal with it so I pressed the panic button, which blocks all of may internet access. Then, one day when i was frustrated, i decided to just call up the filter company and get back internet access, and on top of that I told them that i forgot my password, so now I can bypass my filter completely.
Making things all worse, I have a girlfriend who I have been dating for over 5 months. Our relationship was strictly shomer negia, but recently we slipped up really, really, really badly.
I have also been depressed, and I'm usually a very good student but recently i have been skipping classes and I recently abysmally failed a math test. I don't know what to do. Any advice at all will be extremely helpful.
Thanks!
TiredOfFalling

Hey TOF,

Welcome to GYE and specifically the forum. This is a great place to open up and pour out your heart regarding an issue that although seems to be spreading like wildfire, the public would not handle it the right way. Congrats on coming out here because that is really the hardest part. I tell you this with experience, but blocking yourself from the internet does not make this addiction go away. I was away from the internet for a while and as soon as I got access, I immediately acted out. You are going to need to make a change within yourself. You will need to change who you are. Youre outlook on life. Your outlook on God. You are going to become a new, BETTER person because of this. So lets take a deep breathe and not get too hasty. We dont have a special potion or a pill to heal this addiction. It is going to take time and effort. I would suggest, if you havent already to read the 2 GuardYourEyes Handbooks. They have many fundamentals in them that can help individuals overcome addiction. But you cant do it alone. Post here on the forum. Keep us updated on your progress so if Chas Veshalom one day youre not doing so well, we can give you Chizuk (and you would actually give us chizuk as well) and when things are going well, you will give us Chizuk.

Hatzlocha Rabba and feel free to email or gchat me at Yiddle2@gmail.com

-Yiddle

Welcome home, TOF. This is the best place on the planet for people like us, who want to get freedom from Lust addiction and get to a better life.

Being short on time, and you're in an emergency situation kinda, Let me say a few ideas off the top of my head:

1. Since you are far enough along to know you are a lust addict, try joining Duvid Chaim's anonymous SA group call. It's just in the beginning, tomorrow is only the second day. This is the BEST thing you could do RIGHT NOW, and you'll feel so much progress from doing the 12 Steps that it will change your perspective on your life. It was mentioned in todays Chizuk email. Also, here's a link with info:

www.guardyoureyes.org/?page_id=678


2. send Guard a PM requesting info and help setting up the right filter for you. You can not get into recovery if you have easy access to porn. Sur Merah v'assei tov.

3. Talk it out, and agree with your girlfriend that you MUST go back to being shomer negiyah. For BOTH your sakes. You dont have to break up because of this. if she's the right one, it'll make you both stronger as you grow together in your commitment to what's right.

4. Stop beating yourself up and being so negative. Work on a positive outlook on your life. Baruch Hashem you made the bold, brave step to admit what you've done and join up here. That takes a lot of guts. You definitely have what it takes to succeed at this. If you need help finding the positive approach to life, check out Sci1977's journal on Wall of Honor, he's got an unbelievable attitude that is sure to rub off.

5. Being positive and DOING GOOD THINGS for other people builds your self-worth. The reason we act out and do destructive behaviors is cause we feel depressed, have low self esteem, and try to numb ourselves from facing reality by escaping into porn and lust. But when we feel good about ourselves, believe in the good we do for others, we feel less of a need to escape and view these things. So get up and build your chesed portfolio. If there's a Tomchei Shabbos in your community, i urge you to join right away. Shlepping heavy boxes of food for your needy brethren is a great kaporrah, and also will build your self-worth while making you appreciate what you have that others don't.

Good luck, and KEEP POSTING!!!

Welcome!!!

Sounds like Life in general is becoming very difficult...I can identify very well with that...
Aside from all the wonderful and practical chizuk and advice you will be getting from all of us...
It may be worthwhile to examine what the underlying causes might be...
For example a difficult parent child relationship can be a big causative factor Dr. Ben Sorotsken address some of these issues here http://drsorotzkin.com/psychological_factors.html
Good luck and keep us all posted

many of us (myself included) have spent anywhere between a year and 5 years in denial. At least some of us are honest about denying the truth. We are addicts, lacking the innability to deal with lifes twists and turns, and always runnig to find that "quick fix".  The sooner you accept that fact, the sooner you can start to change. 

Your recent crash is truly a blessing in disquise, since the 12 step meathod requires you to "hot rock bottom", even if you aren't there yet, just read the stories on the site, and realise where this addiction will take you. How it already began to ruin your life, and what will come next.

A new phone group (free) just started, join it!!    Read-up on the 12 steps.....and above all, stay connected to the forum. By having to post your falls, it will give you the willpower to not want to upset your freinds.  We are here for you, online and offline. Although the more you keep online, the more us bored people have to do

Oh and may I invite you to the "ahaving fun" thread, it's on the main page of the forum, right under ANOUNCEMENTS and "IMPORTANT THREADS " which are realy just another 2 chillin' spots, but ususaly it's all 'inside jokes'

I would like to thank everyone for helping me out! All of the advice is great, and I am extremely encouraged by the positive attitudes and the knowledge that many other people face the same struggle and that there are tried and tested ways to deal with it.
I wanted to ask a few practical questions. what does it mean to send a PM? Also what is an SA group?
I was also wondering how to set up a filter without having control over the password. Last time I had someone type in a password for me but I'd prefer to avoid the embarrassment if I can.
Thanks again!
TOF

Aha ....kol hakodem zacha Lo!!  May I please have the zchus of offering you the information?

PM = Private Message. on the toolbar you have a tap called "my messages" you can read PMs sent to you, and you can send a PM to any member of the site. (not everyone lists an email on their user profile. You can send a PM by clicking on the link below  a person's avatar, or simly by clicking on their username, which will send you to their profile. Underneath their profile you will have the options of sending this member a PM, or veiwing all their posts (a great way to  find all the great chizuk a member has to offer, that may be buried amongst 20 threads!

SA is short for Se-xaholic Anonymous. The 12 step meathos is largely carried out in groups of fellow addicts, these groups are calles SA groups. They have them for every type of addictin under the sun.  This site offers SA groups over the phone, with arangements that can even make the long distance call FREE.

here is a "cuat and paste" from todays chizuk email

 
  
 Duvid Chaim'sGroup launched a new cycle today. I hear that almost 40 people called in; a record for sure! It's still not too late to join the call tomorrow.  
  
  
  
 You'll find more details about Duvid Chaim's group at this link. See also this page for frequently asked questions about Duvid Chaim's group. 
  
  
 (To be added to Duvid Chaim's contact list for updates on the group, or if you have any questions, please contact Duvid Chaim here). 
  
  
 Duvid Chaim wrote me an e-mail today before launching the calls: 
   
 You should know that one of my Primary Goals on the Calls is to train the Chevre to be "Aware of their Perceptions and Motives." My experience has shown that a significant character flaw in addicts is their tendency to live life like a robot - on auto pilot - always re-acting to what ever comes their way - never giving a moments thought to what they're doing - that leads to acting out like a blind man walking into a wall.  
   
 If I only accomplish one thing in the twelve week cycle with them; to get them to be more aware of their perceptions and motives, then Dayainu. 
   
 Steve wrote recently: 
   
 I have to face the fact that I am a lust addict, which means that as much as I may be "clean", I'm still not over the lust and I must avoid that "first drink" at all costs. But you see, not being OVER lust does NOT mean that one day I am bound to be OIVER with lust. I am determined never to fall again. B"H for GYE and Duvid Chaim's Program, where I got - and continue to get, the tools I need to turn away from the Yetzer Hara's offers of lust hits.  
   
 Duvid Chaim's Phone conference is the answer to almost everyone's prayers for THE SOLUTION. Be there or Be Square. DO IT. It'll be the best investment you could ever do.  
  
 And if the time doesn't work out for you, Duvid Chaim is putting together some alumni to work with fellow call-mates in the off hours. But try at least to start and get in on the first few days with the whole group. When sharing on the call (which is not mandatory), you can go by your forum alias or a different alias name - it's all anonymous, but still very personable. You get out of isolation, hear the voices and stories of fellow addicts, discuss struggles, and are beautifully guided by Duvid Chaim, who is a master Sponsor. (And his Texas accent alone is reason enough to join!!) 
   
 Today Steve wrote: 
   
 The first call was a lot of set up as AT LEAST 37 PEOPLE were signing in! That's so GEVALDIG, and a real testimony to DC's effectiveness and what the program promises. We read today from the Big Book's "Forward" introduction page, and tomorrow we start on the first page of "the Doctor's Opinion" chapter from the introduction. So it is still very easy for you to join in tomorrow, without feeling you missed anything irretrievable.  
  
 So I hope to see you and everybody else there. Have an EASY and MEANINGFUL TAANIS. 
  
 We are now entering into our national days of redemption and freedom. This is so appropriate that we begin also our own, personal season of redemption and freedom. 
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

here is the link for more info http://www.guardyoureyes.org/?page_id=678 
here is the lin to contact duvid chiam mailto:duvidchaim@gmail.com

Here is the link for the filters http://www.guardyoureyes.org/?p=24

Thanks for letting me have the zchus!    You can have the filter gabai remotely adjust any settings, in addition to keeping your password safe for you (I mean FROM you) 

In a few swift moves, you have just begun to vhange the direction of your whole addiction.  WOW, you good man!! you'ze be ggod (and I am high on sleep deprivation)

Had a hard time sleeping...

As far as the filter: You can give your password to the "Filter Gabai" who will gladly adjust anything that needs to be adjusted... All anonymously... I think the previous post by Shemirateinaim provided the link to all the details...

We are all in this together...

Peace and Love Holy Bro...

the harder they fallllllllllllll


The HIGHER the....

BOUNCE!!!!

Dear TiredOfFalling,

I am the admin of GuardYourEyes. Welcome to our community! Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up, up, up!

As far as your girl friend, I highly suggest telling her that you would like to try to re-gain ground in spiritual areas and it would be best if you didn't meet with her in person, since this leads to slips and falls. If she is someone who you can see as a possible marriage partner, you can continue to be in touch with her by phone and meet occasionally in open areas. (The Halachos of Yichud were not instigated for nothing  ) If she is not someone who you can see as a possible marriage partner, then by all means, cut off contact, no matter how hard this may be. It will only be a stumbling block for you and her.

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here...

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best - and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"... See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information...

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week... This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps - which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc... So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not...

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

May Hashem be with you!

Although a full blown addict is best to be as strict as he can with himself, for the average person with moderate problems it is the wrong approach.

R' Dessler writes that the Yetzer Harah is a spring, if you push it down too hard it gets more power and strikes back harder.

To me it seems that if you had a long standing relationship with a girl (even if it was not for marriage) to cut cold turkey may be pushing too hard (and is likely to cause more harm than good).

Perhaps you should cut down a little and try to find replacement kosher companionship and gradually bring yourself to feel comfortable with breaking off your girlfriend relationship...

The approach necessary for a deeply addicted person may be the wrong approach to a moderately addicted person (who has only fell a little here and there)

A prominent well respected therapist that I discussed this with, backed this up with many Mekoros...

The thing is that I don't know if I can bring myself to break up with this girl. She's really special and I'm really afraid to lose her. On the other hand if the relationship is hurting my spirituality then that's a big problem. Are there ways to preserve the kedusha of a relationship even after a mess-up?

Yes. Dont know because of lack of experience, but there are definitely ways. I would not sayto just break up with this girl if you really think theres potential for marriage. Ask a Rav. Someone who you can open to. Tell them your situation but you dont need to be very specific unless youre comfortable doing that. Tell the Rav you are still wporking on yourslef in areas of shmiras einayim.

Hatzlocha and keep us posted!

-Yiddle

Yiddle2 wrote on 25 Feb 2010 15:56:


I agree with Yiddle (and it wont be the last time  ) that you must ask your Rav. If you don't have one, then FIND ONE immediately - make this a goal for tonite, if possible, or Purim will override any serious discussions for a few days.

There is a very fine line between wanting companionship so I'm not lonely NOW and wanting to have this particular companion with me for the rest of my life, to build up a home together and partner with me in raising my children, and to have the excitement to grow spiritually together. These considerations are too easily clouded by the beauty and intensity of physical longing for that person. Being strictly shomer negiyah when weighing these thoughts helps to keep one's head clear. Some things which we would have logically never wanted in a partner for life may need to be overlooked if you want a particular girl for your wife, but that decision has to be made based on weighing all her meilos and how comfortable you feel together to discuss and grow. That "overlooking" should NOT be a consequence of mere affection or physical desire, or else one day you will come to regret your decision and even feel distaste for her.

Based on this idea, I would suggest that if BOTH of you can not step back to a strict HANDS OFF RELATIONSHIP, then yes, that is hurting your spirituality right now and for the future. Maybe agree not to see or speak to each other for two weeks, then maybe it'll help give you clarity.

Also, we addicts tend to mix up lust with love sometimes, and might want to have a girlfriend, even shomer negiyah, just to help us feed our lust and fantasize more. That's why in frum circles, dating is PURPOSELY for finding a marriage partner, not for companionship and fun alone.

A Rav who knows you, understands WHERE you are coming from and where you are going, is the best one to advise you, as their are many colors in the Torah's rainbow, not just black & white, and where you are holding personally is taken into consideration by a competent Rav.

Above all DAVEN for clarity and siyata d'shomaya.

Gotta go and get ready for the next DC call, in a half an hour. Hope you can join in, too.