OK, Yosef, when SB asks you how you feel about being clean, you answer "I don't." Fair statement, esp when you're sounding a little down.

BUT... "what if you DID?" I mean, what if you DID allow yourself to think about being clean. What if you DID think that you'd be getting there. That victory over this WOULD be coming.

So, if you DID think about it, what WOULD you be thinking? Could you tell us THAT??

(Does that make any sense at all??)

Well said, Briut.

I'd say almost the same thing. So think about it! Every day, every minute, you're having victories. Consider them, think about them, feel good about them!

Chizuk is GREAT... when given to others, to myself it is much easier to critisize & belittle any & all acomplishments.

When I wrote 'a brush' it was still only that, a brush, but by the next post it was already too late.... :'(



Thank G-d for givings us our Rebbe Reb Bardichev! He took some time out of his busy schedule to lift my spirits last night!


Thanx to all of you who showed interest in me!

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 26 May 2010 14:26:


Well, I'm not sure what you meant. I hope it wasn't that you think folks like me give chizuk to others and not to you! Sometimes my flat words on a screen can be taken the wrong way, but I hope you know that my intent is chizuk and not Ch'V the opposite. I am certain that's true for anyone else taking the time to post for you. We all want to be there for you.

Instead, I'm guessing you mean that YOU have a harder time comforting YOURSELF than you do giving chizuk to OTHERS. And, yeah, that's hard on most of us. I'm particularly rough on myself. Even when I'm NOT feeling depressed, I hold myself to a high standard and don't get off my own case until I've arrived.

Which is all wrong. I need to either "lower the bar" to a series of small and achievable steps, or I at least need to find some plateaus in the long climb and have a little celebration over the small progress made.

When we're hanging on a cliff, even small progress is huge.

If what you're really going through is being "down," then I hope you pull out quickly. I don't know anything I could say that would speed the process. But I will say that I KNOW you'll pull out, because you've pulled through this GYE work so well, in so many ways, that it's clear you've got "what it takes."

When you're going through hell, keep going. (Churchill)

It is difficult. That's why it's so important to work on it. Give yourself rewards, celebrate, take time to appreciate how wonderful and valuable each day is.

I even know a guy who'd be happy to sponsor a bottle of woodford and share a shot with you to celebrate your new start! I've been itching to buy a bottle every since my first 90-day celebration, and I still wouldn't mind!

Hi,

reading your posts and your struggle, makes me feel small, honest and thankful.
- I am small. Because each moment is a new fight and is a precious moment. Your struggle shows how strong one can become and then it boils down to NOW, this moment. And your fall has given me strenght for this moment, for NOW. Thank you.
- I feel honest. It takes guts to be honest about a fall, to click that "I had a fall". Shit, it's an addiction, but it takes guts to talk about it, real guts to admit how tender we humans are. I am having bad thoughts all the time and I break down in the bathroom and cry. Thank you for saying, that you also cry.
- I am thankful, today I stand because of you. And I am thankful, because if GYE goes down for a moment and it will be difficult moment for me, then I will know, NOTHING WENT AWAY, ALL IS STILL HERE. Then I think I will have tears of joy.
Thank you for making me feel human, tender and thankful for this moment.

May Hashem give us strength to be thankful and may he lift our hearts and help us smile just now.

your co-human,
Yehoshua

Briut wrote on 26 May 2010 16:02:

No, that is not what I meant.

Briut wrote on 26 May 2010 16:02:

Now you got it right.

Silentbattle:
If you choose to get drunk, it is your choice. Please do not lay the blame for your drinking an entire bottle of woodford on me. i beer enough of a burden already without the knowledge that I am supplying AA with new members.      ;D


Yehoshua:
If you are crediting me with having a part in making you more honest, I will accept that.
But I do not want any connection to making you feel small.  :D


I thank all of this thread's posters for helping me feel that I am not alone in this world, this struggle. Yes, I know Hashem is here too. I just don't feel it all the time.







BTW, I read in a few others' threads that they were overpowered by the Yezter Horah on Tuesday too. I wonder if everybody felt something? Even those that stayed strong, did have a harder time too? Was there some significance to the date? Some special Ko'ach Hatumah? It was the last day of Tashlumin for Shavuos. Is that why the Yezter exerted himself, boosting his temptational powers?

I personally felt the extra yetzer horah on monday, maybe its flowing west from eretz yisroel...

one can tell your mood from your latest dvar torah (posting even when you're down) i personally missed your divrei torah very much in that time  :'( keep posting! and i read the 'lomo nigorah' one from pesach sheini again (coz its this weeks parsha)  - loved it! thanks for the chizuk!! keep it coming!

As part of my civic duties the our golus country (aka the USA), I reported for jury duty. I went through the process of jury selection, was excused from the case, and dismissed from serving, B"H.

Upon reflection, the process of selecting an unbiased jury can be quite lengthy. The court must be confident that the juror will decide the matter on hand entirely based on the merits of the case at hand. No prior conceptions, prejudices, or other feelings may influence his deliberations.

When we judge our fellows and friends in the courtroom of our minds. When we judge ourselves in the courtrooms of our minds. We ought to judge everything based entirely on the matter on hand! We may not completely negate a person who is otherwise a very good guy, moral & upright, based on our perception of one specific instance. Or worse yet, based on feelings which have no basis in fact. We should not put ourselves down - in our own eyes - due to not being constantly on the level where we would have liked to stand and expected to be.

Hevai dan es kol ha'adm l'kaf zchus, - every man, yourself included!!!! Ess kol ha'adam - the entire man, not base ourselves on one point. Include his upbringing, past life experiences, physical and mental capabilities and incapabilities in your evaluation. The result may be quite different than on first glance. Quite better!

an honest mouse wrote on 27 May 2010 19:32:


Thank you!

And yes, I do try to reflect my mood in that thread. (I am not always successful. Oftentimes I write sunnier than I feel.  )

I don't feel comfortable baring all my thoughts and struggles for all the world to read, the way many others do in their journalizing. (Even though this is an anonymous forum, a nature is hard to change, besides what if someone recognizes me?) Therefore I hide it in a Torah'dig thread. I get to vent and only someone (like you!) with a disconcerting eye will read between the lines...

I only have internet access at work. I try to write a new post in that thread every day that I am on GYE! (Except for when I need a mikve. I try not write divrei Torah then)

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 27 May 2010 19:32:


great vort! very profound, thanks for sharing.

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 27 May 2010 19:44:


sorry about my eyes... ive been trying to sort them out recently.... 

:o



:D

Post in whatever way you can, you know that we love you anyway.

I can only speak for myself and say that opening up on this forum feels very liberating.

Hope you have a great shabbos!

Yetzer Horah & Yosef Hatzadik share initials.

They got together again on Friday for (hopefully) THE LAST TIME - EVER!