Hi everyone. I have been on GYE for about a year and am very inspired by everyone’s story. I have been thinking about posting for a while, and I feel like this is a good time. I am by nature a very private person and although this is anonymous, it still feels very unnatural to be sharing with this many people, but here goes.
I am in my early 20s. I grew up in a orthodox home, and was always a good kid. When I got to around 5th grade I started feeling interested in looking at inappropriate things, I don’t remember when but I remember getting a thrill when I saw anything. I started with whatever I can find on YouTube, nothing hardcore, I didn’t even know what P was. In fact, I remember being with my mother and hearing someone on a video mention that word( he was talking about how it’s a big problem these days) and when I asked her what it was, she told me it was people doing very inappropriate and bad things, and asked me to promise her that I would never look at it( I remember realizing at a point that I broke that promise, and that was very hard). At this time I was starting to figure out about M, but still didn’t know what it was, and that I wasn’t the only person that did it. In 6th grade a friend told me to search up P, and I was instantly hooked. The first time I was looking at it, my mother came into my room and I quickly threw my device behind my bed. I remember speaking to my mother about wanting to daven better, all while I was able to look down and see the P behind my bed. That summer, I had a fear that people would find out and I would never get married, and for most of 7th grade I stopped, but I eventually started again and that was that.
This went on until last year (about 10 years of multiple times a day P and M, with the main addiction being M). Throughout that time I slowly became more to myself, and although I had plenty of friends, what felt like the biggest part of me was something that no one could ever know. In high school I was obsessed with finding someone to do what I was watching with, and eventually I found someone. At first it was a random girl, and then I ended up getting a girlfriend. We were together for almost 2 years, and this secret played a big role in the relationship. I was always hiding this, and she would eventually find out that I was watching P amd M and I would always promise to stop. I really meant it, but it wasn’t something that I had the tools to do. We ended up breaking up, largely because of this, but Bh we did because it was not a healthy relationship.
One good thing is that she got me to admit to myself how big of a problem this was, and to go to therapy. The therapy didn’t really help for this, although it helped me become a way healthier person in general. Fast forward to last year. I had come back from israel before the summer, and for the first time in my life I was committed to giving myself over to learn Torah. I spent the summer learning until the afternoon, and decided to go to yeshiva in America. Before Rosh hashana, I realized that I finally had my life in order, yet this was something that I just couldn’t get under control. I started seeing a good therapist , and had 1 session before going to israel by myself to be with my friends for succos. I thought to myself that this will be a good time because I will be staying with friends, it will be hard to find time to P and M. I was wrong, and ended up spending a lot of my trip doing it. Towards the end of the trip, I remembered hearing about GYE from the MMP podcast, so I downloaded the app. At that time i randomly was on the phone with a friend that I didn’t speak to often, and it turned out that we were in the same boat: ready to start dating, except this was a major issue not under control. For the first time in my life, I had someone to talk to openly about this. We became each others support system, and for a few months it was under control. It was the first time in my life not only a day clean, but months. Eventually he got married, and we cried together by his wedding. But for me, once he started dating his wife we lost touch, and without my support system, I began falling, until I was back to daily P and M. I had already started speaking to shadchanim, and I was scared to see that this was still an issue. Thursday night before pesach, I reached out to a GYE member, and I got connected to a mentor. I started with daily check ins and made it almost 100 days ( with 1 or 2 minor slip ups) and I felt amazing. Eventually I started to falter, and in the summer I slowly found myself falling, and by each little stumble I made the biggest mistake, which was not telling my mentor. I thought that I would figure it out and get pack on track. Until 1 day I fell to actual P, and that night I called my mentor to tell him the uncomfortable truth. Bh I am almost 30 days clean right now, and I am feeling better than ever with this nisayon. Thing ended yesterday with a girl that I went out with a few times, and although I’m happy it’s over, it’s hard feeling the loneliness again. So I figured instead of letting it develop and leading me towards a bad place, I would take the opportunity to finally share my story. I’m sorry if it’s long, I tried to make it as short as I could, and I still feel like I missed a lot of details.
