Friday night had a situation. Not a fall. I woke up in the middle of the night with an erection and crazy urges. I was really lost and didn't know what to do. I said a few kapitlech Tehillim in bed and realized that I can't anymore, another few minutes like this and I'll have to give in. I took the book "The Battle of the Generation" and went to the bathroom. It was brutal. I didn't touch anything at all but a tiny drop of seed escaped, which made the Battle a lot harder, because hey, I anyway fell already! I told Hashem a few times that only you can rescue me, please do so!!! I started reading the book and B"H after some minutes it started calming down and I went back to sleep. I woke up very depressed that seed came out. But B"H, I won the Battle! 

That's not a fall in any way! Keep up your amazing work

I know. But I feel like I somewhat enjoyed it and may have caused it. I was trying to fight it, while enjoying it, while not knowing what to do or how to get rid of it. 

It was a strong reminder of how powerful the YH is and that I do not yet have my desires under control. Was by far the hardest struggle in a long time. I was already sad at the time thinking about the hangover and depression afterwards. 

B"H I abstained. But I stayed in bed very late Shabbos morning and just wanted to stay in bed forever. I woke up very depressed. 

Depressed?? This is straight up a מעשה  of absolute גדלות!!!!!!!!!!!!  WOW!

Had a very stressful day. Plus a strong trigger. 

Ty"h, day 26 successful. 

Tzaddik, 

Do yourself a big favor and listen to this speech by Rabbi Pinchus Duvid Bunker. Listen to it a few times over the span of the next 2 weeks. Your whole perspective on this struggle will switch. 

torahanytime.com/lectures/191828?playlistId=23287

Another stressful day.

Tyh day 27 successful. 

I need to be happy. How does one become happy?

Yosef'l, 
You just asked the Trillion dollar question. All of history all of humanity has been asking this question. 
Happiness comes from being fulfilled, knowing that you matter, knowing that you have a mission, that you are needed, that someone cares for you, that just by existing you are critically important to this world. 
It comes from getting in touch with our souls and with Hashem. 
It comes from feeling what it means to be holy and just a little bit higher than the rest of society. 
It comes from doing good things just because they are good. 

Ty"h day 29 successful. 

Had a strong urge in the shower. Turned the water called and overcame it.

A car sprayed me top to bottom with the yucky garbage juice today. Ewe!!!! That's why i had to take a shower. 

chancyhk wrote on 05 Aug 2025 20:21:

That's exactly my question. I'm doing all that yet I'm not happy, at all!

B"h. Just reached 30 days. So called level 5 on GYE.

Around January time when I for the first time completed 40 days, I felt like Yosef HaTzadik himself. Afterwards even on day 5 I would feel like one of the hidden ל"ו צדיקים of our Dor, even though I kept on falling every few days. 

But since i joined GYE, even now when I'm on day 30 and can count on one hand my falls in the past 90 days – a feat which was unimaginable to me in the past, I don't feel close to Hashem at all. I feel like I'm just doing my absolute minimum duty. I'm miles behind most people. In the past on day 5 I felt like I was giving all I've got to hashem and I deserve his closeness. Now even on day 29 I feel like I'm just doing what I need to, just like keeping Shabbos. I feel average.


I wish I had the same enthusiasm and excitement as in the beginning. I felt great and like one in a billion that I'm able to abstain in such I world. I felt above everyone else and was sure that no bachur has done such a feat in years. Now I feel below average. I feel that there are lots of bachurim that do 30+/100+ days constantly and it's not even a struggle for them... I feel like I'm just doing what I'm supposed too and I'm not even special...

I'll copycat my new friend Holy Ari on this one.

Even if you can't reply, please at least leave a Thank You  on my previous post. It gives me tremendous chizzuk to know how many people found it relatable and/or support me on my journey....

Dear reb yosef. Do you think you can analyze this feeling of inadequacy? Because if you can get yourself to do that i think you will realize it has no standing.

Let's even say you're right and most bochurim are going much longer. I'm not convinced, but let's say. I'm sure you realize that everyone has got their own little world which cannot be measured by someone else's. Literally. Everything about your struggle is unique to you, it's got nothing to do with anyone else. You have your own experiences, your own hardships that shaped you. It's more than that. A person is so complicated, shaped by so many different things, physical and spiritual, that you yourself may never fully understand the inner workings that make you tick.

 Let me go further and say that part of the reason you are different from these aforementioned "other bochurim" is because you have talent they don't have. Unlike many other bochurim you were exposed to P by a friend. How many of those bochurim that go for longer than you clean would have the fortitude that you have to fight this battle like you do if they had been exposed? We will never know, but may I guess? I would like to guess that it's possible that none of them would have the fortitude, or very few of them, and that's why most of them weren't given the test. You mentioned that for them it's not even a struggle. That's exactly the point!! It's not a kuntz because it's not a struggle, they weren't invited to hashem's special commando force that we were invited to because we know how to actually fight in a struggle we don't do the just coasting along thing.  Point is, if you were given the test its because you have tools they don't to fight it.

That, i think, is pashut pshat in the mishna in avos that says al tadin es chavercha ad shetagia limkoimoi bc every person is a different world. Your avoida isn't measured by him or anyone else, only by your standards which are up to hashem to judge. Also that's pshat in the chazal of olam hafuch raisi that someone went to shamayim and all the people he thought would be chashuv were less chashuv than the lower people.

I'm sure you know all this, but please be misboinen about it, it's not merely cliche it's really true. There is no such thing as using other people as a barometer especially in something so tied up with the deepest most inner workings of one's mind and emotions. 

                                                                                         yours truly, jwbf

Thank you Admiral for your comforting words. Thanks for taking the time and focus to respond, I really appreciate it!

Your wise words have reached my heart and have given me lots of much-needed chizzuk.

Yosef'l oi Yosef'l Chap Dich un in shtrick ( You're probably too young to get that song)

As emphasized many times in GYE, porn or sex addiction are often responses to deeper questions. We all carry baggage, and some use sex to numb or find comfort, leading to addiction. The root cause remains and must be addressed; healing involves learning to live with that pain to move forward. Discover what prevents your happiness. You don't need to do anything special to be happy—it's natural. Something is blocking us from happiness, and that pain can drive us toward sex. Over time, this becomes another problem instead of a solution. Thinking alone can't resolve this, though analyzing thoughts helps identify triggers; it won't solve everything. You must confront your pain and explore what led you here. First, you need to overcome the addiction technically. The 90-day counter, in my view, provides space to breathe, teaches perseverance, separates you from automatic responses, and signals your brain that there's a new leader. However, desire and craving won't disappear easily; deep work is necessary. You have many strengths—believe it or not! I see in GYE posts that you are special. You carry a lot of pain, yet you're committed to doing what's right, fulfilling Hashem's will, and growing. You are evolving and will continue to grow. Don't be discouraged by others. Once you've found your path and gained control, you'll realize you've achieved something remarkable—something few others can. If it were easy, you wouldn't be here.
Stay sane, stay holy, stay strong!