not sure what do in regards to what?

chaimoigen wrote on 01 Jun 2023 23:02:

Thanks Chaim, what a true and strong point! I love it, and I personally find it to be soooo true with myself.

The more I focus on constantly fighting the yetzer hara on the street, the more it backfires and the more tempting it becomes to look.
Instead I found that getting my mind occupied with other positive thoughts makes it much easier to keep my eyes focused.
The greater the momentum, the greater the repulsive force becomes.
(My thoughts)

A sefer that I get a lot of help from אשא עיני, brings this point from many Gedolim. How about before you go into the street its important to review motivations for Shemiras Enayim, but once there it can be counter-productive to focus on what you're not looking at. Gotta be proactively and productively focused on something else positive. For me I try to think in learning, or about something specific that I need to think through to solve, or I make productive phone calls the entire time. I saw on this site in  Vekam's post that is always wearing headphones on train, plane etc - that's probably a great idea. 

chaimoigen wrote on 02 Jun 2023 12:35:

Totally agree!!!
But I find that even productive phone calls on the street is not always enough to take all the focus, occupying the mind with some thing that takes its full attention I find to be the best.
Another thing I find helpful is, thinking about all the wonderful things our father in haven does for me, while visualizing him in front of me listening and getting nachas ruach. "שויתי השם לנגדי תמיד"
The point is that everyone should do what helps them most!!! Try all suggestions and see what helps you most!
Good luck!!!

chaimoigen wrote on 01 Jun 2023 23:02:

Thanks Reb Chaim! Are you trying to say that Focusing on NOT Focusing causes to be hypersensitive?, or that being hypersensitive is a good sign that we r getting better?

My initial comment was making the latter point - being more sensitive about guarding ourselves can create a hyperawareness about any "pull", and I think that's an encouraging sign of improvement.

But in my further post, in response to true_self, I was acknowledging the other point, as well. A active awareness of where not to look can sometimes make a person think more... Try thinking about NOT thinking about something .
So preparing positive process to engage in and focus on while "out there" is a Choshuva and important tool.
But having to deal with this aspect is ALSO a sign of positive change. And that is a wonderful feeling !

I had to go to Manhattan this week. BH stayed in the "zone"' used these tools. Noticed this phenomenon. BH!

In the same Sefer אשא עיני he brings from the SHomer Emunim (I think) that every time you don't look is an Es Ratzon. So I tried to also Daven for people I know who are going through Tzaros. And myself....

Same here, I find that it puts a positive spin on shemiras eiynayim. More, "I am a hero", less "Don't you dare think about it" which leads to the "try not to think of a pink elephant" paradox.

Thanks! Your posts are of  so much value that I learn pshat in it like a shtikl reb chaim 

Lately, I have had good news, and that is great to write, but this is a long haul and I respect that. So I am just going to not that the last couple of days my nerves have been a bit more frazzled than the last few weeks. I have gotten more easily upset at my oldest, though I haven't resorted to yelling or slapping. So that is good. I am guessing this change is part of the process, and I am just writing it to process.

A gutte voch!
Friday night I dreamed the words ביה אנא רחיץ ולשמיה קדישא יקירא אנא אימר תשבחן to the tune of Eitan Katz' יהא רעוא. That felt good.
This thread is not only to share happy news that I am pleased with; it is also for other things. The last few days I have been getting upset at my older son more quickly, and tonight, after not going to bed for several hours etc. I slapped him up. I did not feel good about it at all. I also got into a thing with my wife. I didn't feel good about that either. Both things would normally make me run to my phone, and I was tempted to, not for porn- I was not thinking about it- more just podcasts or the like to not focus on how I was feeling. I did notice, "hey, I feel like running for my phone", and at the same time - "interesting that I am not feeling a draw for porn". Anyway, I worked it out with my wife and son, and figured I would document it here. 

Usually, by shalosh seudos the rav asks me to speak, and I usually say yes, but today I wasn't in the mood, and I wasn't in the mood of just saying "yes" either. I think I need to build up more of myself and be able to say no more- calmly and respectfully, so my yesses will be more significant, and so I do not build up resentment. Anyway, that is all for now.

Wow Reb DB so powerful!

I love how you were aware of your feelings. Great job!

And I love how you were able to say no. So beautiful!!!

Woah. Reb Dov Ber, impressive! Yes, in this place many of us share many things that have don't seem to be connected to our struggles with unhealthy sexual behaviors. I think part of the reason this is so is because we have finally found a place where people don't judge us, they give us the space to learn and grow and make mistakes in the process. And we can share and learn from each other.
As an aside, tomorrow when you get home, (and maybe every day) Walk in and go over to each of your kids, give them a hug and tell them how much you love them. Don't let your guilty feelings regarding your son dictate that you should let him get away with things you normally wouldn't have, but find the many opportunities to let him know how much you love him
Keep sharing and inspiring! and of course, keep trucking!

There is a deep truth in these posts.
We are not working together on resisting lust.
we are working together on GROWTH, on becoming Yiddin who act, not react. Whose hearts are connected to our deeper Retzonos and higher Sheifos. To be the waythat we really are deep inside.
Dovberyl is going to thing I'm getting carried away by the romanticism of this again, which I do. But read your own post and you will see the greatness of spirit shining in between every line.
How come the most growing people I know are here on GYE?

Keep teaching me, Heilige friends. As Rw Eerie say - keep soaring! (I like it better than "trucking" )

שs

chaimoigen wrote on 04 Jun 2023 15:42:

100% R' Chaim! I don't think you are romanticizing here; to the contrary I think it is basic. Maybe the hebrew words feel more romantic, but I completely agree. (I'm not even against romanticism btw, some of my best Torah and aliya comes from when I have been mamash down for whatever reason, and its gantz romantic. I am sure it is the same for many others. My point is just that romanticism is not enough- it must be backed by boring, real-world pragmatism). And thanks for the compliment.

I want to record that I am in the perfect situation for forgetting my motivations and acting out. I am not feeling well, I have things to do that are pressuring me, I am bored (yeah, at the same time; I know), the house is quiet... I have little doubt that if this would be thirty three days ago or so, that I would have acted out. Maybe even if only one of these factors were present, or maybe even none of them... I am not going to now; הודו לה' כי טוב, I have been able to begin developing strengths, and ways of coping with the urges and cues. But more importantly, I have started clarifying for myself, for real, that what I really want is not to watch porn. The fact that I may feel like it sometimes, notwithstanding. I have laid down the reasons why, and I keep reminding myself "you don't want that"; not to brainwash myself, but to remember the way I have already set down (in writing, in my wallet).