Thank you each, the support is helping me greatly!
Ok so here is some more, I started enjoying cuddling with my wife more, and my children. It almost brings me to tears. I keep on crying to the song ואני קרבת אלקים לי טוב. The days have been passing by terminably, and I'm finishing up day 21 now, הודו לה'. I have been visiting GYE pretty much every day several times, texting someone at least one daily, sometimes phone calls; the inyan has become my project.
I have tried stopping I cannot tell you how many times, I am sure many of us have. But this time feels different for two reasons:
1. This time I have support, from you guys, and from my wife.
2. I am not working on this out of force or pressure (how could you still be doing this- you're a ben torah, father, husband, in your thirties...). This time, I want to stop.
This time, I have actually sat down quickly and organized why I want to stop. I probably should add, if I didn't before, that I am excited and apprehensive to meet the new me who comes through this process. I do not feel emotional pressure right now, I feel more intellectual pressure, and maybe a sense of maturity (I've begun thinking, do you want to get old and still be watching porn? "C'mon, old men don't do that; surely I'll stop by then". "Hang on, do thirty year olds watch porn? No, but here you are anyway. So what would stop you watching porn when you are old and gray?" And what if you happen to die sooner; I do not want to die without regaining control over my choices".
Unrelated: One of the tzaddikim of gye called me to work on a time to meet, and my wife saw the caller ID, and asked who that is, so I told her, and she said why is he calling, so I told her, and she got weirded out- "why does he want to meet you?" L'maase, this is one of those things I need to do for myself (gain sobriety, composure, class, maturity, free will, love, gracefulness, self confidence, a feeling of worth), and even if she doesn't understand it, I need to do what I think is right. For her, it seems to feel (I didn't get a chance to ask her yet) like someone is intruding on my life; I need to explain that I am serious about change, and am willing to do uncomfortable things for that, like go on GYE, expose myself in some way, talk to people, meet them, take on kabalos etc.
I am a little nervous that I haven't had crazy urges yet, at least since I have ruled out even still images, and have begun trying not to look in the street, and so on. I do not know what I will do when I get those urges. The other day, I told my wife I was feeling pressure in my lower half, and that helped me calm down a little bit, because I was able to express it, and that made her feel good and wanted, too (timing just wasn't right, smack in the morning with kids around), so that was great.
Actually, I think I will print out my list of motivations, and put it in my wallet, with a kabbala that if a crazy urge comes I will first do three things:
1. Read the list, out loud, carefully, and with feeling.
2. Tell my wife (where appropriate).
3. Call or text one of the mentors here.
Even as I write this, a voice inmy head says, don't make this an official kabbala, maybe you won't be able to keep it. And even as I write the last sentence the voice came back and said "no, really, I mean it". And I know it may sound pathetic, but I am keeping it like a not-so-firm kabbala for the moment.
Having this venue to document my thoughts is such a wonderful gift. Thank you.