Doesn't have to be some big trauma, by psychological struggle I just mean your typical feeling of lack of alignment, lack of simchas hachaim etc. Anyway just some thoughts, of course everyone's experience is different

I've been squeaky clean since I last checked in, haven't even had hirhurim

This is normal for me after a fall to have a brief period without hirhurim

hirhurim started today so now things are about to get a lot more difficult.

WWish me luck

WWant to fall now.

bezh wont.

recently over the last few monthmonths I ghaven't had soso much motivation and if I feel weak illI'll fall eithoutwithout fightfighting at all so I'm going to ddo my best to push throughthrough.

I really want to read a bit of battle of the generation every day it's just hard bc I'm embarrassed to read in public (even though prob not a big deal) and not many options in private

EvedHashem1836 wrote on 08 Jun 2022 10:48:

The "worst" thing that could happen is someone will see you reading it, get inspired, and ask where he can get a copy...

Also, the little bit of shame one may actually feel if "caught" reading it, should be a kapara for the shame we didn't feel when watching/masturbating and "only" Hashem was watching. 

I read it in public. There is nothing incriminating or explicit in the book. It is also an opportunity to introduce the book to a large percentage of people who have the same struggles but are not aware of the tools out there.

The only situations where I could see a possible problem would be if someone was reading it in front of a spouse that was not appreciative of their efforts to battle this yetzer hara or in front of children who are not yet mature enough to understand the lessons of the book.

(There may be other situations but those are the only ones I could think of)

Been fine since my last update but starting to get tricky. Wish me luck 

I can't wish you luck because luck has nothing to do with it, but I will wish you hatzlacha because you will succeed!

I second what @commited_togrowth wrote.
I think you just have to look at your own signature for the push to keep going. But make sure to have a plan. Don't just fight until it gets to hard, then fall, and then go around again. Have a plan not to have it so hard. Reading Battle of the Generation is a great start.
Try to think what are the triggers, not the triggers that cause you to act out, but the first hirhurim after your time of not having an issue with them. Maybe not thinking about the struggle would help. Think about small thoughts will make the thoughts more prominent.
Maybe you should rethink even counting at all, or once a week check up on yourself.
I am not saying anything concrete, just throwing out ideas. You should come up with your own.

I'm so done. Had a solid desire attack which I lasted  through and it faded. But then 2 hours later I decided to fall even though I wasn't triggered at the time. Just a terrible move all around. This stinks. I need to get out of this rut. 

as of today (how many times have we said this?) I'm going to actually read a bit of battle of the generation every day (I read some today and yesterday and it helped I'm just an idiot). Gonna also do my best to get rid of triggers  (Not so feasible right now bc I'm at home but will do my best).

it's scary bc I don't even fight anymore for more than a few minutes then I just give in even though the desire isn't so intwnse. I just don't care enough anymore and it scares me. Scares me so much. I also feel myself getting "bored" with what I usually look at and tempted to find more extreme stuff to see. Also very scary. 

and my parents. Oy. So ignorant. And they know a bit but just terribly ignorant

EvedHashem1836 wrote on 20 Jun 2022 22:27:

i just restarted reading the book along with another member of the forums.  We will be doing chapter 3 tonight.  Why don't you try to read the book on the same schedule as we are.  The book works when you read it slowly and every day so that you internalize the messages.  Also, you might find the addendum to chapter 10 (in the back of the book) very helpful after a fall.

If you have pain that you are numbing by seeking out extreme stuff then you also need to find another way to process that pain.  If it is just boredom then you need to force yourself into a set list of activities anytime you are bored....

hope this helps and keep fighting!

best wishes for continued success.

I had a piano teacher when I was a kid who used to say "you know you're really practicing if you're really frustrated." I'm sorry for your fall and the pain that comes with it but it sounds like you are tapping into some deep motivation to overcome this. I am confident you will.

Hey everyone I'm back after a long break. 

so here's the story: BH in yeshiva it's not very hard for me to stay focused - most of the time i don't even have hirhurim and when i do they're pretty tame not to mention the fact that i don't have any way to access the shmutz, but now over bein hazmanim I did fine for the first few days and now fell (293 day streak tho so pretty happy w that, and beforehand had a big fall a different bein hazmanim after 400 and something days - so it's a trend). Last time I fell bein hazmanim it was just one fall - or so I thought. It escalated into about 3 or for months of ups and downs until i finally got back on track. I tell myself the difference is this time in yeshiva I don't have a smartphone. Scary thing is though that I just acted out about 20 min ago and I already have the taiva to do it again (the taiva has been building up ever since the beginning of bein hazmanim)

really just here to check in and say hi 

hi

if you stayed clean for so long you must have a strong clarity about the absolutely poisonous nature of this garbage. the tayva brings with it a cloud that makes it hard to tap in to that clear strong truth. but it's in there somewhere, reach out with the tendrils of your mind and you'll find it there still in your heart. i'm rooting for you.