Hey guys.

So I've been a bit more lax over the last month or two with youtube (nothing strictly in appropriate- everything I've seen is socially "normal") and I believe this really started the dominoes (spoilers I fell) and if I didn't drop my guard on YouTube I might still be clean today in all aspects.

For that last month or so I've been fantasizing more than usual and not really watching so much youtube but i saw a bit every few days nothing crazy..

But it reached a breaking point when recently I had a big environment change and then I read a fiction book and watched a ton of YouTube ("kosher" stuff)

Then I went to a pick something up for someone in a store and on the way to what i needed to get there were women's clothing and I definitely was excited to see it and looked at it for a bit (a lot*) longer than I should have. On the way out of the store i was literally turning left and right as i deliberately went through that section to maximize my hana'ah and satiate my animal instincts.

When i got back I was going back and forth like crazy - do I bring my phone into the bathroom or not? I knew it was a bad idea but I didn't really care so I took it in with me

Was going back and forth while I was in there- to let out zera or to not let out zera? Yes no yes no yes no 

Not sure what I ended up deciding but i started touching myself and it came out (didn't end up using my phone). Didnt even feel good although I don't really feel guilty considering this has been building up for a little while now. Dont really feel terrible about it I dont really care and thats a bit scary. Its also My first fall in yeshiva. 

Im not particularly worried about myself - I've succeeded even before yeshiva and yeshiva just made it so much easier for me and im looking forward to getting right back on the horse.

Practically i have to be stronger against the internet and not have it at all (that was always the plan and was effective until roughly the month or so ago)

And ideally as soon as I can I can throw my smartphone into the Atlantic 

Hey EvedHashem1836, 
how's it going?

Baruch hashem completely back on track.

Seems like it was just a bump in the road.

Great how you picked yourself back up and moved on! You are a real inspiration.

Has been a big struggle recently with a lot of images coming to mind (from memory) even from over a year ago.

Staying strong but didn't think it would be this hard. So tempting. I've looked at Shulchan Aruch אבהע 23 a few times recently gives me strength (not sure if this is recommended for the masses ask your local orthodox gye official)

Stay strong! You got this!

So I have to be honest - im a bit uncomfortable saying that I'm having a hard time especially considering I just offered my advice to a bunch of people lol.

Not sure why its so hard. Ever since I fell it feels like I'm back at day 1 trying to climb the mountain again from scratch I thought it would be like nothing happened (thats whats always said: "just pick yourself up from where you left off"). And I tried. But I can't. Its just too much.

The level of attack going on in my brain for the last few days is crazy and im just so done with it. Its possible also that its related to not learning so well - my chavrusa left early and I've been burnt out for the last week or so - learned 2 lines of gemara over the last 2 days (in bekius). (Side note i didnt think burnout was real until now. I just thought you push through it). So I've been in tough spot not looking at anything but my hirhurim are off the charts. My friend getting engaged and coming back with a marriage book didnt help bc I read through it and it further pushed my desire to get married (which I really do want. And I think it will help me. And no im not one of those "do nothing and hope marriage fixes it sort of guys"). Will speak to my rosh yeshiva about it bc im still pretty young and dont know so much torah bit hey ill be helping out the shidduch crisis so who knows. Maybe I qualify as yitzro takfo alav? Ayin sham yevamos 63 rashi hirhurim.

Today was terrible I had Keri twice during the night within 2 hours of each other

For those not holding im coming off of a 400+ day streak since I joined gye and now having a tough time

Anyways so im done with the smartphone. I've said many times that im done w it but this time for real. I've been having fantasies about destroying it (lol) if im gonna throw it off the roof or use a saw or a hammer or something else. Been looking around for a good "dumb phone" but the ones I've found are all too smart they have radio or video games or internet etc. I just want a dumb phone! If anyone has any suggestions (need good service nothing trashy. Verizon t mobile at n t prefered) for me pls let me know!

Not the first time this has happened to me but I can't sleep because my mind runs wild. Even when I want to sleep im so scared cause the second I lie down in bed my defenses lower bc my mind relaxes and hirhurim go into high gear. To the point where I got maybe 2 or 3 hours of sleep last night and i physically can't nap bc my mind is so active. Hopefully this level of attack goes down w time

There are times that I actually put on headphones with an interesting shiur when I go to sleep. Otherwise it’s usually music

The greatness you can achieve when things are not going well is so much more than when it seems to be easy. Every day is a monumental victory. You will come out stronger even if you have some falls along the way. Do not give up!!

Vehkam wrote on 05 Apr 2022 16:12:

Not sure if your supposed to listen to music to go to sleep. Think its a tosfos somewhere in gittin

I will check it out with mg LOR. Can’t imagine it would be a problem if the purpose is to avoid harmful thoughts.

Need help pronto.

Its assur.

I dont care. 

Torn about acting out.

I dont care that its avon chamura shebatorah 

I dont care that its gonna make it worse. Mahbe it won't its already bad anyway. Just gonna look at the things already in my head.

When I acted out a few weeks ago I tried to be yotzei all sh*tas of methods of acting out but turns out i missed my favorite one so yeah

And i know i can resist if i want to. I just dont know if i want to. And to be fair when I get rid of my smartphone that's my last chance to do this sort of stuff and ill do it then anyway so might as well do it now instead to spare the pain. (Sometimes its so obvious when the yetzer haras talking. But I dont care. I've been so apathetic recently I just don't care anymore.)

I dont know what to do so torn. I've already showered twice today (from keri) and gonna get a shower after a haircut in about an hour so either I gotta act out now or take 4 (!) Showers on the day. 

Or not act out today. But dont really want to consider that option.

But i guess the question for the chevra is should i act out now or take 4 showers? Can't really bring myself to act out now i just dont feel ready but dont really want to take 4 showers either...

I've been so good for so long. This is the "challenge of the generation and everyone struggles with it and its ok if you fall bc everyone does it". Well not me. I did well for 400+ days. As a bachur. Give me a break. Just once. Well maybe twice. I can't do this anymore.

Lol all of those people i gave advice to as the "successful bachur in the challenge". Guess my true colors are showing im a fraud. Sorry.

Hi EvedHashem, 

I hope this mashal from the Chofetz Chaim will help. He says the yezter hara is like someone who brings us very nice treats and appetizers each day. We see what he has to offer is pretty good, so we decide to come to him each day and get our treat. Then, one day he comes to you with a proposition. He says that there is a field outside of the city where no one ventures and it has become a dump for the local population. But, his family has a tradition that there was a war in this area, and somewhere in the city there is lost treasure from a long-passed battle. He invites you to go hunting for this treasure, and you agree. You walk out into the field together, and he himself knows where the muddy areas are and which parts to avoid. You, lacking this knowledge, fall neck deep in mud and cry out to him for help. He responds "Fool! I spent so much time and energy to trap you like this, why should I let you out? Only a fool would believe that at the end of a field of filth and refuse lies hidden a buried treasure." And off he walks, laughing at his horrible prank.