Hello everyone who read,
In this post, I will introduce myself. Sorry for the possible language mistakes, as I'm not a native English speaker.
Improper explicit material, as far as I can remember, has been a problem to me for almost 18-20 years, and I'm just 31 years old... Say that all my teen and "adult" life have been compromised with this until now.
Today, I'm sure that not being able to control this compulsions had a terrible impact on my life and other's. I think I felt very bad a long time because of this, and the power it had on me. I felt like I was all the time dirty, and that I didn't deserved to be loved by any one. I had a terrible depression.
After some years, my ex-wife left with the 2 kids.
I was alone facing this problem, no hint about anything, no help truly reachable, and always this bad feelings.
Many many time, I thought, I have to stop all this, I was thinking about this dirt all the time. I even tried, but failed early every time (even when still married).
At this time, I was no part of any community, and had no religious or spiritual education. I knew what was wrong or not, but just think : "I'm like this, cannot change, it's human nature".
A few years ago, I joined a christian church. This was a surprise for my friends and family (again, not living in a religious or spiritual family/context). This is not the main subject but it cleared a part of the bad feelings, without giving me a real solution to the problem. Although, it made me more "aware" of the "bad things" and the fact I should avoid them at all cost, and beginning to handle them a little bit. My vision of life changed also a lot, evolving, day by day.
Today is the second chance. I live with another woman. We love each other, and already have a little baby.
I don't want to mess up.
A few months ago, I still struggled with this problem, in a way less intensive manner than before (a lot more control), but still enough to perturb me a lot, and I randomly found GYE's website.
This discover changed two major things in my life :
- I saw that I was not alone, and that this organization (GYE) is providing help, aiming the Jewish community, that I think is really pure and I thought was way way way away from this kind of problems !
- This was my first contact with Jewish view/way of life/thinking. The free articles on the site was just like "wow, this is so meaningful" ! Now I'm reading more and more, also in other domains, and it's always an enlightenment. A lot to learn.
From then, I started definitely stopping from my own, having strong weapons and knowing now what I was dealing with.
Immediate positive effect on relationship, happiness, and so on. But I still and "falls" sometime and feel very very bad about them.
So, about a week ago, after the last fall, I decided to sign-up to GYE, and start the 90 day journey, and here I am, determined to change.
So thank you, thousand time, to all the staff, people here, your help is just unique and incredible !
Thank you
