I used to write a lot, so my writing can be a little bit lengthy 
hope the oilam doesn’t get too bored or busy to plow through that one:astonished:

I am not quite sure I understood what you are saying:

1. Are you saying that because you are recovering from whatever pain etc. you have, the more recovered you are the less you have a drive to learn?
2. Or are you saying because you are working on recovery you
   have less time to learn?
3. or both?

Hi,
I relate to a lot of your feelings and attitudes. I also liked to write a lot, and that creates a self-awareness that can be very powerful.
Since you asked, I would like to share my own experiences that were similar to yours. Two points in particular.
I also was extremely lonely before I got married - to the point of dysfunction (relative to where I thought I should be). My marriage was indeed wonderful for the first decade, but I always knew I was too dependent, and at some point I expected Hashem would teach me the hard lessons of being less needy, and the related lesson of not escaping into lust or whatever escapist method was flavor of the month. Yup, it happened, and I'm still in pain about it after 5 years or so, but I am very slowly (stubborn as hell) learning to accept my new life, which also has some pretty good parts.
To be honest, the less I focus on my needs, my pain, my dashed expectations, the happier I am, and Hashem has blessed me that if I live with that mindset I can indeed find huge amounts of blessing and happiness in my life.
The second part I relate to is the experience of having been at one point much more into learning than I am today. This bothers me too, and I don't know what to do about it, so all I do is pick my battles. What that means for me is identifying my strongest Sedarim - where I have the greatest mah shelibo chofetz - and whenever I feel down about my decreased level of learning I think about those sedarim and how I can increase focus on them whenever I choose to, and sometimes I do.
No great solutions for you unfortunately, just trying to live each day without screwing up too badly, and squirreling away my little victories and trying to keep a positive outlook. 
Feel free to email or PM me if you want to shmooze more.
Hatzlacha!

Great post Hakol. Probably the wise thing for you to do is share this dilemma with a rebbi who knows you and can help clarify the issues.

To answer generically - Although theoretically one can learn to walk on their hands, we teach our children to walk on their feet. If one was taught to walk on their hands, they will need to "undo the damage" and slow down their walking during that stage in between doing it wrong and learning to do it right. Similarly when one is "rebuilding themselves" it is possible and actually probable that one will "slow down their pace" in many areas of life. But again, it is your rebbi who knows you who should be commenting on this.

Hi eslaasos thanks for sharing that you indentify with my story. Good to know theres someone out there.
Perhaps we’ll be in touch

heemircha wrote on 24 Jan 2018 17:28:

Great question. 
Like any good therapist knows, a good question is WAY better than any answer to a question. It provokes thought.
I think that it’s number 3. But by asking, it forced me to become more self aware and identify what I’m feeling.

I think that in my shtarkest times, my learning was an escape. The same way I can escape with porn, I can escape with tremendous engrossment in learning. People commented how intense and locked-in I was during my sedarim. It could be that in order to really escape to this universe of learning, I had to throw my whole body and mind into it. It could be that my inner turmoil was stronger than ever, yet I was able to escape into the sugya. And once I had escaped deep into my learning, I was actually able to temporarily abstain from porn/masturbation/fantasy more successfully. In my alternate universe, I feel no need to escape. I didn’t have to face the pain, the uncertainty, the anxiety, and the turmoil. My mind was in the sugya.

This year, however, as I have placed recovery as a huge priority, I have bh began to heal by leaps and bounds (I hope). Perhaps I don’t feel as much as of a need to escape. I’m more content. I can live outside the sugya without the alternative of needing to escape to porn. As a result, my drive and motivation to really throw myself into my learning might have gone down. As I write this, I think that this sounds pretty healthy. I must now work on learning because I believe in Hashem and the Torah and because I can find enjoyment in it. Maybe I have to learn to want to learn while staying on planet earth.

As far as time constraints, that is also a difficulty. I miss Seder to see my therapist. I take time to make these posts on GYE. I think it’s probably healthy. What do you think? But I do have to set time constraints on myself. Something about recovery really pulls at me, and I can spend a long time on this site posting and reading posts of others. I really want to heal. But I have to just control time. Cuz time is money ya know.

anyways thanks for the great question
helping me here get clarity

just for all of ya’ll wondering if maybe you can come to self awareness also, it’s one of the things I learnt how to do a lot in therapy.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 24 Jan 2018 23:15:

I like the mashal a lot. Check out my response to heermicha’s question. Could be we’re on the same page here?
about starting from square one and rebuilding myself with proper and healthy priorities/motivations/desires ?

Sounds like we are on the same page. Do you ever speak to any of the chevra here? It can be a tremendous help. especially for one who is already in therapy and able to be so transparant and honest.

Gut Vuch everyone,
For years there was something that I felt might hold the key to my sobriety that was so elusive! 
You know what that was?
The ability to have the same determination to stay clean a month after a fall as I had right after the fall. To have that same feeling of I am never doing this again. That same strictness with myself when it comes to any trigger. That same ability to run a hundred miles away from anything that could mess me up. 

So, last year I decided that the way I might achieve this is by making a 15 minute Seder a day to learn about שמירת עינים/שמירת הברית. I thought that by spending a few minutes a day learning I could keep the thoughts of strength fresh in my mind and after a month I’ll be as strong as I was after a day.
Well I couldn’t keep this Seder up and long story short I fell again. And again...

But now I found GYE (I’m referring to the interaction ie. forums etc.) , and I think I may have struck gold in this elusive chase. Now that I think about it, it started when I went to therapy for my porn use, but with GYE this has gotten stronger, and maybe more sustainable (therapy is expensive dont know if I can go forever). I think that by being involved with people focused on recovery. Posting about it, responding to posts, reading posts, I’m able to keep the struggle fresh in my mind and not forget how much it stinks to be back there. That gives me strength.
Thanks to all that have reached out in my first couple weeks on here!

HakolMilimala wrote on 26 Jan 2018 05:59:

im following your posts  and you really are an inspiration, as far as learning is concerned i found after getting married my cheshek  to learn went down  and i constantly had to be mechazek my learning ,the 4rth shaar in nefesh hachaim helped alot , also the sefer amala shel Torah by Reb Shlomo Brevda ZTL helped alot .(i felt the need to mechazek turned out to be a blessing ,my understandind in learning increased )
as far as missing seder due to therapy,it wouldnt bother me especialy if i felt that i was gaining from it like you are as i can tell from your thread.
 a yungerman who was a  BIG masmid  one day was noticed that he was coming late  and wasnt learning so geshmak, his rosh kollel pulled him over to ask if there was a problem , and the yungerman said ,i dont know, i  lost my geshmak in learning ,said the rosh kollel to him , its been 30 years since i lost my geshmak in learning , but you dont notice it in me do you , i learn with a bren (fire) , i write seforim etc.. and this was mechazek the yungerman very much,this rosh kollel was from the recent gedolim of 50 years ,i wont say the name since im not 100% sure, hatzlacha  and kol tuv.

If I can be but the slightest inspiration to anyone, that’s a huge inspiration for me. 

Thanks for the maareh mikomos, I’ll have to check them out.

Im debating sharing a more detailed story of me as I think it’ll be great for me to share.. but I’m not sure if I’m going to take the time.

I also don’t think it can be that anonymous if it’s pretty detailed. Like if you don’t know me then you won’t know who I am but if someone on here knows me they’d probably be able to tell that it’s me.
How have other people dealt with this? Just not share detailed information? Or just do it anyway?

little me personaly thinks that you have to protect yourself ,your in shidduchim ,bezras Hashem etc...,im sure we would all gain , but thats the brakes.

HakolMilimala wrote on 30 Jan 2018 05:24:

Leave out identifying info. Noone needs to know your exact age, location, job, yeshiva, shul, etc.

This led me to ponder a question.

If you had a daughter in shiduchim and you hear about this guy that sounds like a great fit for your daughter. Hashkafas, frumkeit, family, personality, goals, everything matches up. You’re excited about the shidduch idea.

Assume for a second all else is good and you’re impressed with this guy.
Then you find out that this guy has another name: Hakolmilimala.
You realize his past, but you also see that his goal is recovery.

Would you let such a shidduch prospect play out?

Honest answers please.
No place for delusion in addiction.