Also you should feel honored, that was my longest post on any thread ever. Including my own.

Been over a a year since I added to this forum.
Definitely a year of growth... but chock full of challenges also, none bigger than these past few weeks.... 
I know perfection is not my goal, but it’s so hard to not judge myself by it.
I think deep down I might had to get rid of my smartphone, but practically I can’t fathom it.
I rarely have fun without hurting myself.
Ive wasted so many hours of my life, enslaved by my desires.
I’m a little bit of a lonely lost soul.
I seek companionship, and my friends the past few years just haven’t been perfect... ugh who needs perfect.... 
I’m lost....
Floating in a big ocean waving two hands above my head..

Sorry to hear your difficult background story.... makes it seem even more impressive that instead of giving up, you are taking steps to improve yourself and move to a higher level. Kol hakavod! Keep strong.

Hello GYE community,
I'm 22 years old, I grew up in a modern orthodox community going to coed school from k-12. I was exposed to shmutz when I was in 4th grade (around 10 years old) by a friend who saw it on his older brother's computer. When I was younger I was a bit addicted to porn and masturbation as a way to explore sexuality and to relieve stresses as a confused kid going to a coed school with no guidance on my body and how to deal with my thoughts and new urges. When I got to high school I knew it wasn't good but couldn't stop because I felt that it helped me keep myself calm. 
When I went to yeshiva in Israel they had a program for the bachurim to help deal with this issue. While I was there I was able to deal with it and not have any issues! Though after my time in yeshiva I came back to America to go to University...Due to stress of classes and life along with the occasional boredom I fell hard back into my "old ways"...I for the past years that I've been back in America I've been struggling how to deal with this problem and it has really been paining me inside. I mentioned to a Rav of mine that I need a new filter on my phone and a way to deal with this, and he told me about this website. That was earlier this summer. I kept pushing off joining because I thought maybe I can do this by myself, until today where I just have had enough and need to change. I need to get this in order so I can function normally and hopefully one day get married. I hope you guys can help me fulfill my dream of conquering this tayvah!

Thanks for sharing your story! You'll find that GYE is an amazing community of likeminded people who are here to give you support and look forward to hearing about your successes!

While you're here, check out the forums and the chizuk emails and the ebooks!

SFTTsrvnt wrote on 25 Aug 2019 23:46:

Welcome to the GYE community.  By the way, it will be helpful if you start your own thread.

Take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute if you need.

The urges happen...but your response to them is within your control.

Sorry I don't really know how to use forums...

HakolMilimala wrote on 13 Aug 2019 21:17:

Well expressed. Please keep us updated.

All the best.

SFTTsrvnt wrote on 25 Aug 2019 23:46:

Here, you got the point about one trigger to your falls, I think.
Did you try to work on your stress ?
​You can take a look about mindfulness...

Stress and anger are also my principal triggers, and I really see a difference since I work SERIOUSLY on them : less urges, less falls...
In general, you don't have an urge, when you are calm and feeling that "Hachem is here, all is for good".
It's a long journey to reach this goal, but it worth it