just had huge nisayon after i posted.
dont want to expalin the details (not the typical)
im fine but still shaking literally
wow god help me

Sorry to hear 
Good for you for posting

BTW not that I blame you but try not to be overwhelmed by all this and just take one step/thing at a time.

KUTGWNMW

im lonely.
dont know exactly to describe what im feeling now bc truthfully i have friends and a decent social life - but i crave something that gets me, understands me, knows me. fun enjoyable feel good.
dunno if im making too much sense here.
used to get it from my "fix" but now...
its hard, confusing and lonely...
i feel so dependant!

I completely relate. I feel like i have this big hole inside me! And i try stuffing it with all sorts of things, most likely with lust, sex and fantasy, and its doesnt work. It doesnt satisfy. Why wont lust work? Why cant it fill up that gaping hole, that misconnection that i feel. Because its a God hole. No material thing in the world can ever fill that space up inside me but God. And I cant force im in. I need to invite him in by getting read of lust and fear and anger: all that junk inside of me for Him to come and fill that hole. Its a spiritual hole. No amount of friends, family, lust, food, money can fill it. Nothing Material. 

Please God help me clear away all of the garbage so I can let You in!

last night i davened mariv, something i hadnt done in a while- i was trying to fill the hole w god.
i also surrendered.
i had a nocturnal emission which was very confusing and hurtful tbh after all the work that i put in.
i also find that im dealing w depression now, more so than the lust that i had the first few days.
in the beg i felt fine just had urges. now that im behaving i just feel sad and depressed. im assuming that its withdrawal symptoms but its still painful.
i keep telling myself that i just have to get past the scratch of the cd but once i gets past it ill start playing music again.
these feelings will lift and when they do i want to be proud of myself that i did what was right while it was so hard.

Dear "(Real Name) WorkInProgress26" עמו"ש נ"י,
Hi, its me from yesterday.
It's not worth it. Just reminding you that if you hold out then 'ה will pay you back -
even though it's beyond hard and it feels good and you feel bad for yourself,
remember what you really want in the long run -
it's not bringing it closer or making it better.
Stay true to yourself and 'ה.
Hang in there and one day it's gonna be worth it.
!הצלחה
Love, "WorkInProgress26"

This is word for word from a post-it note iv'e had on my computer since Pesach.
i wrote it to myself after a fall and had it on my computer since, yesterday someone needed my computer and as he sat down i chapped the note was still there (i got so used to it being there i didn't realize!)
i was putting it away now and decided to share it here.

thank u so much to all u guys who answer on the forum and to to reaching out to me off of it, - ur support means a lot.
its been a week and bezras Hashem many more to come!!

This didnt help for me. Maybe it helps for you. When my sole intention of staying sober is schar or really anything that someone is going to do for me (for example when i first started recovery my Rabbi said 3 months and then you cans start dating so obviously a lot of intention of staying sober was because of dating) doesnt help me stay sober or recover. It doesnt work. I tried tapsic, i tried challenging my self, rewarding myself but it never worked. Also, for me, its very selfish. I am recovering for me? For myself? So that i will get what i want? Wait isnt that the problem? Isnt the problem that I am being really selfish and i want to lust everything in sight and everyone should do whatever i want! 

Sobriety is a gift for me. Mamash, a gift. I dont deserve it. I dont deserve the bracha that Hashem has given me in recovery. I am very grateful.