Hello my dear friends of GYE,

I am 25 years old and single, I have been watching p**n and mastur**ing since I was 14, maybe 2 days a week I didnt do it until like 2 years ago when I started becoming more frum, shomer negia, not watching tv, etc but still my computer was my yetzer hara (I was in a frum school since 3rd grade but I was not so frum), so since then I lowered the times I fell a week to 1 or 2 a week.

Everytime I was alone with my computer I would surf far... also, since I am in college, everytime I had exam, since I have to study the night before (no time to study before, or maybe I just procrastinate) I would enter to those sites and lose like 70% of the time I have to study for the exam... there have been times where I don't even sleep the whole night and go to the exam, and I know that maybe in 2-3 hours I could have finish studying...

I really feel this is destroying my life (Baruch Hashem in school I have very good grades, I am intelligent, good memory, but my "life" is not like I would like). Another problem is a private university with very attractive women, and they dont dress very modestly... Baruch Hashem I dont have problem with that, I know how to put my fences there but the fantasies come...

I feel lonely, all my friends are married now with children, and I am at the university... I feel that everything is a vicious cycle, feeling lonely or sad and acting out, or acting out and feeling lonely and sad...

I joined GYE 4 months ago, and when I joined I was so excited!! I couldn't believe that I CAN stop this, I installed the filters everywhere... I was clean like 20 days in a row.. that was incredible, I read almost all the 1st part of the handbook and I felt it was enough... but you tell me if it is not true, when you start being clean, the Satan brings, everywhere, very attractive women where you wouldn't even imagine... I was clean without fantasies, I started feeling in control.. And I fell... But still my rythm was like 10 days being clean afterwards.

Until before ElulRosh Hashana, that the filter didn't work for an online game.. now I hardly get 3 days clean, and the worst thing is that it was the 10 days... I feel really bad... I feel so sad now, I don't even want to read the chizuk emails or the handbook again, I feel that it won't work eitherway...

Thats why I decided to take the next step and start posting on the forum, but I also feel that when I fall again I won't have this weapon and will have to take more powerful weapons, and so on... I don't like that!!!

Hi,
I just wanted to let you know that I read your post.
I too am new and I just posted my first post.
I just wanted you to know that I took the time to read your post, and that I'm right with you, at the beginning of the journey.
I'm tearing up just knowing that I'm together with another precious Jew on this journey, and I daven that Hashem give us strength.
Chazak, my friend

Welcome to the front lines of Klal Yisroel.
We're in this together.
Stay committed. Stay the course. Don't ever let the Satan's work get you down.
Guard your eyes. Guard your mind from fantasies.

Yes, just when things seem to be going well you will be thrown a curve. This is Hashem's way of honing your character and testing/strengthening your resolve.

It's great that you've taken steps to stop taking the Lust drug.
Go further. Get back into real life. With real people. The addiction seeks to isolate us so it can flourish. Sur me'rah, v'asei tov.

Keep at it friend. And stay with us here all the way to success.

Hi,

It's not going to be like that, a weapon that works only once, because the point of a support group is that we forgive you for desiring sex, porn, etc. etc. You condemn yourself for those desires, and we forgive you. So as many times as you come back it's going to have that same effect.

Judaism does not condemn desire, but the Mesillas Yesharim would tell you that it's foolish to give in to them, since they don't take you in the direction where you want to go. Judaism assigns blame for your actions, not your beliefs.

I have to tell you that if you can show up at a sexaholics anonymous meeting that supporting feeling will be multiplied by a factor of ten.

Unless you want to change some of your beliefs you are stuck trying surrender. This basically means that you accept that you desire sex. Typically you say "Hashem, please take away this lust because I can't." While Hashem doesn't oblige because this is your decision, not His, you do rationalize that into acceptance of your desire, i.e. I do desire it, even if it means that I am worthless, that I am a lightweight, that I will discover that all I really want is porn ... Then it passes. Then later it comes back again and you surrender again.

If you want to change you can learn some cognitive self-therapy. You will believe that you should desire sex, and choose to do more satisfying things with your time. If you are interested read Feeling Good by David Burns for an introduction.

Its great to see the support by fellow jews, who have the same problem!!
That makes me feel in company and less trapped...

One thing that bothers me is that I am going to be an addict for the rest of my life... there is not going to be a day when I can say I am FREE!! or at least thats what I understand from all this...

Thank you for encouraging me in this challenge, that is very common nowadays...

Chag Sameach
Tizku Leshanim Rabbot!!

yosefhatzadik wrote on 03 Oct 2012 03:00:


That is only if you pursue the 12-step program and strengthen your belief that you are powerless. With cognitive therapy you get past it. You still have an impulse here and there, but as you remind yourself that you do have a choice it becomes extremely easy.

You still have to recover, but cognitive therapy helps there too.

yosefhatzadik wrote on 03 Oct 2012 03:00:


But maybe that's what you came to this world for, to see how you handle this specific test. And maybe that's your unique way of giving Nachas Ruach to Hashem, by handling your unique situation.

Hatzlacha

MT

No, Hashem would like him to give up the belief that he is powerless and start living like a yid again. But if he is not willing to do that, like the nazir, then Hashem will take what He can get.

yosefhatzadik wrote on 03 Oct 2012 03:00:


It's great that you see the support already. Of course, as you make friends with some of the guys on this forum, you could PM them and get more of a friendship that way, expanding your recovery from this bad habit, with Hashem's help. Hatzlocha with that. The shame is our big killer, I think. It's great to let that go and move on with things that are good for you, that help you. Hatzlocha with that, should you choose that tool.

But I wonder where you got the idea that you are an addict, in the first place. That's quite a pronouncement to make, that one is an addict. Addicts to heroin and alcohol often die, as they really can't stop and get worse even though they suffer a lot. In the same way, sex and lust addicts often get worse and worse, eventually suffering humiliation and increasingly significant problems with jobs, relationships, etc., and still don't stop until something helps them reach beyond themselves. But that comes at a price, for it is painful - not something one does sitting in mussar seder over a Mesilas Yeshorim, or whatever...

Do you really see yourself falling into that category?

- Dov

yosefhatzadik wrote on 03 Oct 2012 03:00:


The day that I learn to be mevatel my OWN will to the will of the Manhig Ha'Olam is the day when I can say I am FREE!!

I just posted this to another guy, perhaps it applies to this discussion:

The idea of "finally doing it", "beating it" or "getting there", are yellow flags for me. To me in myself, they spell "fantasy". Or a funny kind of lust, actually. And they feel self-centered - for then I surely will not need G-d or other people any more. Yeah, I know we imagine that once we beat this and are "free at last", we will start to have that really great relationship with Hashem. But I don't believe that nonsense.

It seems to me that real life is not about "arriving", but about the trip there.

They ask you, "tzipisah lishuah?" Apparently it's all about tzipisah, not the yishuah at all.

Needing hashem is not as bitter a fate as some would make it out to be. Some of the happiest people - and some of the happiest marriages - are with people who are sober in real recovery. They need G-d and they need each other. That is the way Hashem made things to be for all of us anyway, in one way or another. 'Solving' it would simply isolate us further in or smug purity.

But again: where do you get the idea that you are an addict?

dov wrote on 11 Oct 2012 05:17:


I once read, in a chizuk email maybe, that if I tried many times to stop masturbating and fall frequently with no success... and also if my mood makes me fall or have more urge, like if I feel sad or lonely, then I am an addict.

To feel that I am getting worse and worse, no I don't, actually I feel improvement since I joined GYE, I can be clean for more than 7-8 days (something impossible before, not even 4 days), and now thats kinda my rythm (the thing is.. that I don't see an end, because even if I stay clean longer and longer I keep seeing people here who fall after a hundred and something days clean, and thats very common...)

But maybe thats the way it should be, to lower more and more the times...

yosefhatzadik wrote on 28 Sep 2012 08:14:


Fantasies were a major feature of my addiction (they still are if I would let them). The only thing that has worked for me is to deflect them as soon as I detect them trying to get into my head. These fantasies are just as poisonous as the most graphic images. They can be even more dangerous, because they're there even if I close my eyes. Baruch Hashem I have learned how to deflect them. I use a tefilla, based on the first 3 of the 12 steps which I have found helpful. I say it anytime a lustful thought attempts to take hold of me, including the thought that I would like to view pics or masturbate.

Deflecting fantasies, in the beginning, was a grueling and mentally taxing process. But it eventually did get easier. Much easier than toying with fantasies, eventually giving in, feeling guilty, and doing it all over again in a never-ending cycle. Cutting out the lustful stimuli, both visual and mental, is the area over which you have the most control, the point where you can interrupt the cycle.

Here's the tefilla:

"Ribono Shel Olam, I am powerless over lust and my life has become unmanageable.
Only You can restore me to sanity.
I turn my life and my lust over to your care and ask you to please heal me from this illness of lust. I don’t want to lust. I only want You and a relationship with You and your Torah. I surrender my lust to you. Please take my lust."

Yes! Involve Hashem in every step of your recovery. Ask for his help constantly. You will see His assistance if you seek it earnestly.




Loneliness and isolation feed the addiction. It is critical to spend time with real people, talk to family and friends.

One day at a time. One day at a time.

Keep at it. Be stubborn. You will see success.

Alex

yosefhatzadik wrote on 11 Oct 2012 18:13:


I do not pretend to know if that's right or not. But what of 'falling every 100 days'? I figure the question is this: Is life during their 99 clean days a good life? Is it kedushadikeh and (sometimes even) joyful living? If it is, then I see nothing wrong with it at all! It's geshmak!!

Today is the only day for you and I to use for the best we can, not be perfect, and live openly and honestly with Hashem and our fellows. Simple, really. Not always easy, but usually very simple.

alexeliezer wrote on 11 Oct 2012 18:42:


Hey Alex, thank you!!

That same thursday I saw Hashem how he is helping me in this, really!!

I received an email about the parsha and it talked about how a big part overcoming a nissayon is to diminish it, because the y'h always tries to show it very big or to push you to the conclusion that is very big, almost impossible to overcome, and thats exactly what the snake did with Chava, she told her that she heard that ALL the trees in the garden are forbidden, and then Chava told her that she was wrong, that only this one is forbidden, but is forbidden even to touch it, and then happenned what it happenned...

So the message is: the key in passing nissyonos is to shrink them

And then, taking a look at my old emails I saw a non-read chizuk email, like 2 months old (I almost never leave nonread emails), and it was exactly about this and what we are talking here... AMAZING! I almost cried!

It was chizuk email 608 (dont know how to put it here)