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I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy)
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TOPIC: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 5322 Views

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 19 Jul 2012 04:25 #141968

  • titanlooks
I was visiting some people far away so I took a plane. First throughout the whole thing there were hot teens everywhere. So it just built up till I felt like I would blow up. Well I didnt blow up but when I got home I went to play some video games and I got bored. None of my friends were around (camp etc.) so I was like, "I cant do this" which i realize was pure yetzor hara. Since im in the 3 weeks now I figure that my sins are so horrible ill be dead soon, so If i dont comment for a while God prob got ticked at me and just decided to kill me.. and yes I do want to live without it

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 19 Jul 2012 04:53 #141970

  • JustKeepGoing
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Ok beautiful,

Im so happy to hear that you want to live without it because thats the first step.

Your really doing GREAT from the sound of it. You took a nice long class in how to get above this test and now you have homework.

H.W.- What did I learn today?

and now since this isnt school I would like to cheat and help you with your homework HA.

Ok so first I dont know what happened, but when you know your going into a code red situation you have to have the sirens already in your head. Ok how am I going to do this? How am I going to get through this nisayon? Oh!...maybe... well maybe Ill bring a face mask and an ipod and listen on the flight. Ill go straight through security no hanging out in "duty free" learn some mussar before I go in. Whatever YOU think will work for YOU. It all depends on YOU.

Very nice observation that you didnt blow up, try to remind yourself that the next time you feel or the yetzer is telling you "your going to blow up" LESSON LEARNED: never believe the Yetzer when he tells you your going to blow up. unless of course your stuffing your face at a meal, in which case the Yetzer is probably your Yezter HaTov, In which case you should listen......
But OTHER THAN THAT, Never listen to those crazy thoughts (I get them all the time) "I cant handle it" "I just cant deal with this right now" "Ima justa going-a to-a blow-a up-a!" (idk why hes italian but he IS)

You played some video games, thats great, keeping yourself occupied, thing is for me at least I start to get bored from playing after a while and............ so maybe switch games or grab a real-life human being *gasp* (lol) and tag-along with that person. If theres an adult cooking for shabbos, offer to help *double gasp*


Since im in the 3 weeks now I figure that my sins are so horrible ill be dead soon, so If i dont comment for a while God prob got ticked at me and just decided to kill me.. and yes I do want to live without it


Now, in all seriousness this part is really sad for me. You and me both unfortunately have avery negative view of how Hashem runs the world. For some reason we think that Hashem is chas vshalom out to get us, It doesnt really matter why we think this. I think the best advice I can give you and myself is to set aside 30 seconds (its ok if it happens to go longer but be kavua in 30 seconds) and think, and think hard just how MUCH Hashem gives us.

If I bought you a Jet and said "I Love You" and gave you a hug, would you feel my love?

Hashem gave you a brain more than HUNDREDS of times more complicated than a Jet, more precise, more cunning. Take some time to think about how much Hashem gives us EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY. Every time your heart BEATS thats another "I Love You" from Hashem.

Who gave you the computer to access GYE? The hand and eyes and brain to process it all?
Ya the flight was Hard but you had enough money for a flight? you had food today?

Hashem isnt "ticked" at you

I heard that G-d loves the biggest RASHA in the world MORE than a parent loves his only son.

TITAN YOU ARE HASHEMS ONLY SON (and so am I but theres plenty of Hashem to go around... infinite actually )

Hashem loves you

we care about you andwant you to succeed!

Keep Posting no matter what! you gotta stay connected

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 22 Jul 2012 17:03 #142175

  • titanlooks
yeah well i cant post for a while, camp

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 22 Jul 2012 17:15 #142176

  • obormottel
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Play outdoors as much as possible and go to sleep tired.
Find a trusted adult to open up to and take guidence from.
Forget about this forum for a while, just be a kid who wants to beat his childish habit.
Why do people here insist that you keep hanging around grown up sickos? I don't know.
Just be cool, and give this issue as little thought as possible.
Baby steps.
If the road is pulling you down, it's a sign that you are going uphill, so just press harder on the gas!

Have a great day - unless, of course, you made other plans.

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 22 Jul 2012 17:58 #142178

  • JustKeepGoing
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titanlooks wrote on 22 Jul 2012 17:03:

yeah well i cant post for a while, camp


Then great, I agree with Mottel, dont worry about the forum try to keep busy and have FUN!

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 31 Jul 2012 04:18 #142675

  • NossonAKAnat
Dear Reb Yid,
Its great for you to be here,
For me As an addict for more tha a few years, nothing really helped until I came into a 12 step program, I don't know if you are an addict but for me I tried everything else and it did not work even filters etc they only worked for a short period of time when I was working extremely hard but the fantasies would not go away.
I wish I had better advice but I only have what works for me.
That Is being totally honest in my life, recognizing where masturbationa and porn leads me to insanity getting locked up or death and the insanity of it and than basically working the steps to the best of my ability with a group of people I can be honest with and contact them on a regular basis.
My life is immeasurably better than before and basically thats it.
Kol tuv,
Nosson

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 09 Aug 2012 23:23 #143328

  • JustKeepGoing
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How you doing Titan?

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 09 Aug 2012 23:51 #143334

  • Dov
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And while we are at it, how are your looks?
Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 14 Aug 2012 17:30 #143676

  • Ez streak
Titans good for u, knowing where I was in us and wha t I did its so hard at ur age just know being pure is the key to Judaism do u want the keys. Do u wanna be the one everyone looks at and say he's holy but inside u have the darkest secrets. Living 2 lives. Don't go down this path it's worth it to fight and hate lusting hate it with all ur might spit when u see a girl dressed immodestly or when u have thoughts it helped me it trains ur brain to think that their wrong not u. Their missing the truth and the real fun. Ur living right ur the holy one. Look at Hollywood look at the Rest of the world. Ur not gonna stop till u die if u go down this path fight fight fight fight cry to hashem for urself and for others go to kvarim go learn the book the light of efraim it's about this test. Go play sports when people talk about these topics run away. When u hear ur mind thinking about this run away out of the house don't look at a girl ever be pure and holy for hashem if u do this u can't imagine the connection u will have with hashem the davening emotions the true happiness in lifen u won't believe it. It's indescribable. All the best holy brother

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 22 Aug 2012 00:54 #144032

  • titanlooks
so im back from camp.. i lasted 12 days! and then I fell than lasted, 5 days, then 3 days, 3 days, 3, 3, and now i fall everyday or worse twice a day and not looking at porn did help for a while but when your alone for a couple hours on a boring day your kinda screwed so thats what happened to me and yeah

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 22 Aug 2012 01:48 #144033

  • nederman
I am in the cognitive therapy camp.

There is a theory of the mind called the ABC theory:

Activating event ---> Belief ---> Emotional consequence

This theory is the basis for cognitive therapy. Basically it means that you make choices before you feel anything. You see, hear, or feel something, you process it using your beliefs and without being aware that you are doing it, and you choose and generate an emotion. The beliefs are learned, and are re-inforced as you use them.

When you think about sex you feel an unbearable desire to think more about it. The desire is natural, but the unbearable part you add it in yourself unconsciously, perhaps to make it okay to think about sex. You are not powerless. You think you are powerless because it _feels_ like you are. This conclusion is inaccurate. But it's enough for you to fold every single time.

The good news is that you can train yourself to behave like a person who is not powerless, but rather chooses when to think about sex.

You can learn the skills required if you read Feeling Good by David Burns.

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 22 Aug 2012 03:13 #144036

wow, just piping in now and following up. I can't really add any wisdom, since what am I, a putrid drop... I can say this. You are describing my adolescence exactly. Every 3 days, just like you, I'd crack. I think I got 1 week a few times, and HEY LOOK AT ME TOP OF THE WORLD. Then crash. Then BOOM, 3 days, 7 days! Crash.

Anyhow the amazing news - YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON!! I'll give you the phone number of a rabbi I JUST SPOKE TO TODAY... and he said...I'M NOT A BAD PERSON!! The number of yidden, frum and otherwise, struggling with "the third leg", is very high. The Gaonim are those that are trying to go on the side of right. Anyhow the Rabbi basically said quoting the Gemara, there's a small bone, the more you feed it the hungrier it gets.

in other words, the false belief is that by "feeding the animal just this once", the pain and the struggle will for once go away... but FALSE... it comes back 3 days later... never stops.

Alex's advice early on is great and a good reminder. What happens on that third day,,, you go through those 15 minutes, feel those urges, breathe through them, let go, watch your thoughts, your mind. like birds on a wire... then get on with life...

Keep in mind the struggles that you are going through, from what I understand is now influencing the next generation - video, movies, media, internet - none of our Great sages lived in such a challenging environment.

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 22 Aug 2012 09:26 #144038

  • Dov
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Dear Titan,

My G-d, you are stuck thinking about sex way too much! And in all this chizzuk to fight, fight, fight, you are being influenced by the (well-meaning) encouragement of others to keep thinking about it too much, too! Not to hurt anyone's feelings (and after all, this is an anti-zera levatola website, so what could we expect?) but the guys who see serving Hashem as basically boiling down to holding back their sperm will encourage you to do exactly that!

But if you really want to waste less sperm, then the way to do that is like OnTheEdgeMan's Rabbi was trying to accomplish - stop thinking of yourself as a rotten guy. Let me ask you what purpose does that advice serve beyond just patting you on the back? Why did the Rabbi find that so important? What about the Zohar, what about the sforim about wasting sperm, etc, etc...? I'll tell you, be"H:

It's all about calming down, and not seeing everything in terms of sex desire or not sex desire. Making a tremendous deal about the zera levatola is a huge mistake, will only make you define life in a twisted and sick way (into sperm times and non-sperm times) which will guarantee you keep it on your mind constantly and will in turn guarantee that you keep falling - so that derech is clearly ossur. Thank you.

So, you are probably not an addict at all, 14 year old orthodox guy. You just happen to have a penis, hormones, and are relatively weak when it comes to delayed gratification, self-control, etc. And you think too much. And you are being influenced by practically everyone you talk to to keep thinking too much.

If you really want to quit masturbating yourself, then quit looking at porn. Get friends who do not look at porn and stay away from people who look at porn. And even more importantly, stay away from people who walk around thinking about not looking at porn, who talk about kedushas haBris, who speak of the great struggle of our generation being mesaken midas haYesod, and such things.

I know of these holy things and do believe in them as you do - but I do not walk around thinking about them all the time for if I did, then I would not be sober today!

Relax. You are 14-15 years old! For G-d's sake, focus on all the other aspects of your real life besides your lust and your penis! Life is so much more than sex and lust gratification or controlling it. Just as you have a whole body and spend all your time thinking about that one eiver but are ignoring all the rest of your body, your life is made up of so much more - but loses your attention to lust.

Gevalt. If you think that any of this is a minimizing of the avon haBris by me then you misunderstand me completely. My desire is to keep the RMB"M who writes that the mind that is pamui min haChochma is preoccupied with lust thoughts. He is writing for normal people like you, not only for addicts, of course. And he is right.

Leiv panui min haChochma is a leiv that is filled by shtus. And shtus is as shtus does. Obsession over a thought-pattern that makes your problem even worse is a shtus - even if it be a Torah thought.

Get a life. Congratulations, you have a masturbation habit. Now let's see if you can find the rest of your life.
Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 22 Aug 2012 22:31 #144058

  • abie14
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Titan i am 16 years old now and ive been struggling for maybe 3 or 4 years. i know how you feel. I feel powerless most of the time but we CAN change. Try to think of hashem as much as you can and try to feel closer to him. Hashem loves us. I qould like to chat with you online please email me titan and anybody else that can help me beat this. my email is ahedaya96@gmail.com
WE CAN BEAT THIS TOGETHER!!!!

Re: I need help badly(14 yr old orthodox guy) 23 Aug 2012 01:42 #144065

  • nederman
Although it's true that focusing on other things is part of the solution you always have that time of reckoning at regular intervals. Even if you give up porn, which is not that hard to do, you may still masturbate to go to sleep. And you may wonder why the addicts in SA get to be sober 100% of the time and you don't. And if you wonder that I think you are absolutely right.

Try the following to see if you can prove to yourself that you are not powerless after all:

1. Once a day imagine yourself as a person who never masturbates. It will feel good. Imagine not having that bad feeling you have now when you are around other people.

2. When you feel like lusting think to yourself "I cannot get aroused more unless I choose to lust. The feeling does not grow by itself. If I start doing anything engaging before I know it I will turn around and the feeling will be gone." Then start doing something that requires some concentration, and that you enjoy doing. If learning is not like that for you then find something else.

And read Feeling Good.
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