my body will take me completely out of my way to follow a woman with stocking legs, pretending to be on my phone, i can not be alone in a room with a computer without looking at porn/live sex cams. i masturbate daily, i have been to therepy, cost me so much money, didnt help. im married with 2 little girls, my wife is not into sex anymore and doesnt look like she used to. im getting scared i might have an affair or something crazy like that, i sometimes fantasies of how i could go with another woman without actually going all the way, and i tell myself "that wouldnt really be an affair". (i dont think i would actually go through with it, but i defiantly think about it alot.) i grew up frum and went off somewhat, but always kept shabat and throughout all the opportunities to be with many girls, i wanted to save myself for marriage, and so i did, it was hard for me, i came very close a number of times. now that being intimate with my wife doesnt satisfy me, in my lustful thoughts i sometimes regret holding back before marriage thinking it wasnt worth it cos now im stuck.
my wife partially knows i have a problem but not to the extent of what it actually is. only she knows the password to the computer and knows when im on it but is willing to turn it on thinking i dont really have a problem anymore, and i dont tell her i still do cos i dont want to hurt her. due to my problem i have suffered with being frum, i love shabbat but an not into my learning and i also dont pray regularly and when i do i feel i dont want to be there. my yetser hara makes me feel unworthy of standing infront of hashem and doing mitsvot, or making any effort, it has drained me.

Welcome Package for Newcomers

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

GuardYourEyes (GYE) is a vibrant network and fellowship of Jews of all affiliations, struggling to purify themselves and break free of lust related behaviors. For the first time, there is somewhere to turn to for help in these areas. We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama  .  Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!
 
In the last couple of years, the GYE network has helped roughly 1,000 Jews get back on a path of sanity, self-control and healing and has touched the lives of thousands more. GYE has become known throughout the Jewish world as the number one address for dealing with these challenges which have reached epidemic proportions. 

The tools of our recovery program were developed with guidance from the best experts in the field, such as Rabbi Dr. Avraham J. Twerski, and through the personal experience of hundreds of Jews who successfully broke free. We use a unique approach that recognizes that there are many different levels in these struggles.

Our network is comprised of a website, a pulsating forum, phone conferences, daily Chizuk e-mails, support hotlines, therapists, live 12-Step groups and a program of recovery for all levels of this struggle/addiction.

All our work is free of charge and we zealously protect the complete anonymity of all our members.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into your journey:

1) See the "GYE Program in a Nutshell" (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer) that can help you quickly identify at what level of the struggle you are at, and which tools and features would help you most at your particular level.

2) Install a strong filter (see this page for more info). It is hard to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away.  The filter gabai at filter.gye@gmail.com will hold the passwords for you. We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability.

3) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

4) Join the 90 Day Challenge. Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change the neuron pathways created by addictive behaviors in the brain.

5) Post away on this forum, where hundreds of yidden like you exchange chizuk and post logs of their journey to recovery. You will internalize that you are not alone, and you will learn the techniques and attitude that work for so many others.

6) Join our free anonymous phone conferences, led by an experienced sponsor.

7) If you need more general guidance, write to GYE’s helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call the hotline at 646-600-8100.

8.) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook" (a hard copy can be purchased for cost price over here). This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "The 20 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

The second part, "Attitude & Perspective", detail 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

Our souls cry inside of us, but we have accustomed ourselves to block out that cry. Today we can begin to be who we really want to be.

We are here for you.
www.GuardYourEyes.org
GYE E-Mail Helpline: gye.help@gmail.com
GYE Phone Hotline: 646-600-8100
Help us help others: Donate Here

welcome!
you havent tried everything until you've gone thru the GYE handbooks and the forum not to mention the 90 day chart. I also thought that i had tried everything, but i found that what i was trying was doomed to fail. stick around a while! look around. take advantage of all GYE has to offer, you'll become a different person.
B'hatzlacha!

thank you "gesher tzar meod" iv just started the 90 days. i need all the help i can get.

Welcome my dear brother sounds so familiar your words,wow thats hard not having intinacy with wife.I can tell you that once I recognized I had a intimacy problam and started avoiding looking ,following,and  obsessing over other woman that I saw dressed up in the street everything got better.Hatzlochah and keep on posting.

thanx mechazek, this i exactly what i need, my wife does understand and makes an effort do dress up or watever, but what is hard for me is that she is not interested at all like i am. hashem give me strength.

iv just started the 90 days and i want out already, i cant remember the last time i went clean for more than a few days, i am addicted to live s** cams and porn, i have an obsession with legs/feet in stockings so walking down the street looking to the ground is exactly what i  have to avoid cos thats were all the legs are, and the worst of it all is that frum women wear stockings/pantyhose and they are everywhere too. this is going to be a roller-coaster ride i know it.

yes when you first strat out on the road to getting rid of this habit it is a very intense experience but over time it gets easier and you can see succsess.Hang in there it is worth it.

ICB,
Welcome to the neighborhood!
For over 30 years this miserable undercurrent permeated my life.  Nothing else was quite as pleasurable.  Nothing else could replace it.  I thought my wife was undersexed, when in fact it was I who was oversexed.  And my wife has always been a very good sport about sex in the name of "keeping me from aveira."

What's miserable about this is we can never get enough.  Never get what we think we really want.  It dulls our sensitivity to life's true pleasures.  All we're doing is either getting a fix, or planning and building up for the next one.  Quick little fixes like a glance or a fantasy eventually lead to a full-blown p*-fest and MZL.

The quicker you get into abstinence from the drug, the sooner you will start getting better.  However you accomplish it, you need to lose your access to internet p__.  You need a new mindset -- a life without lust.  Because lust is killing you.  You need ironclad shmiras eynayim.  Can't look down? Then look at the heavens, or a brick wall.  And daven for Help while you're at it.  Turn your whole head and even your body away.  Even if it means stopping your walking until she's safely out of range.

It's nice that your wife dresses up for you.  Guess what?  Don't look at her either.  Just her face, upper limbs and torso.  Unless you're at it in the bedroom.  Lust is lust.  You're giving up lust.  Beg Hashem to take your lust.  Constantly.  Whenever it comes.

Perhaps most importantly, take it one nisayon at a time, one urge at a time.
Stay with us.  We'll see you through.

Alex

thank you alexeliezer, all makes much sense, ur right i can never get enough. its so hard.
I was initially taken back when you wrote that i shouldn't even look at my wife / wife's legs and feet in stockings, unless we r being intimate, but within a few seconds i realized how true and necessary this is, i have actually m*****ted while staring at her legs/feet from a short distance while she was resting, and today after starting the 90 days i almost found myself in that situation and not knowing what to do cos after all she is my wife, but now i see that anything that might trigger off impure thought should be avoided and the wife out of the "bedroom" is no exception. but what is really hard is that with any other addiction, going cold turkey is most effective, however with this addiction, we are permitted and even have a mitsvah to be with our wife. not exactly cold turkey is it?! i guess one needs to make a clear distinction and acknowledge the difference between smut or lust and the purity that a marriage is supposed to be, and then go cold turkey on the smut. food for thought . . . .
what do you think?
thanx again for taking the time to help a yid out.

gosh this is so hard, (giving up legs and feet in nylons). . . . . i feel im giving up something so so sweet, at least i have convinced myself of it. im so obsessed with it, its actually pathetic. its such a weird fixation to have, i guess there are much worse things to have to deal with.
what helps somewhat is the thought of my brother who is actively homosexual, and off the derech. i thank hashem i dont have his challenge and i respect, and am humbled by those who do.
At least i have kosher outlet - my wife - which comes with its own challenges like i spoke about in the last post. I know if i stop looking for it elsewhere, i will come to appreciate my wife more and will be more turned on by her. she does make an effort.
i will share a little secret though. what makes this a little more difficult is . . .  well, part of my fetish is that i like feet in nylons. Hashem decided that out of all the perfect feet out there, I  . .  the one with a foot fetish, end up with a wife with bunions on her feet,(that means she has a pointed bone jutting out of the sides). i am not complaining chas v'shalom just speaking out the challenge. i married her for her wonderful qualities and came to terms with this "more than minor" detail very quickly, see i have always known how stupid my obsessions where and are. and i still dont understand fully how or why i love it so much, Hashem yerachem.

sorry for all the boring petty details.

bsd - hang in there. you can do it.

re: stockings...

david letterman once had a skit as part of his stupid human tricks -

someone asked what would happen if he filled a pair of stockings with pudding and threw them off the roof of a very tall building... David did it!

SPLAT!!! it was not a pretty nice!

you are not pudding!
you are not meant to go SPLAT!

but if you keep going down the path you are - you will ... go SPLAT!

you are worth much more than pudding!

alexeliezer wrote on 23 Oct 2011 18:29:


Im already dead.

"wishing" why do you say that?? u r already dead? how bad is it? it always helps to talk it out.

b/c I am. There is nothing worth living for.