The following piece was inspired by Uri's good-bye party.
What in the world does Hashem want from me???
The question may bother many of us. [In-fact the more it bothers us the better!]
The Torah tells us that avodas Hashem is not supposed to be all that complicated. It's just about choosing Our creators prescription for life over the option of death.
So why on earth do many of us find ourselves in a situation where we are sure that we don't want to sin - we are absolutely sure that it's self-destructive, and yet we keep doing it.
WHY DID HASHEM PUT ME IN THIS SITUATION - WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES HE WANT FROM ME???
In my humble opinion, the same question can be asked about Klal Yisroel as a whole. The world is so flooded with tumah beyond any description. Znus has become the religion of the world and it's just all over the place. Take Manhattan for example. So many thousands of frum Jews need to be in Manhattan daily, but Manhattan makes S'dom and Amorah look like cities of Tzadikim.
All that is NOTHING-ZILCH-ZERO compared to the Internet. We all know that the Internet is the supreme, ideal, and perfect weapon of the y'h. It's like if AL-qaeda would have a massive nuclear arsenal. BUT the world has become increasingly dependent on the Internet, to the point that "outlawing" it, is not at all doable. We are totally stuck with no way out. [I'm sorry to say that filters are about as much a solution to the problem as a ממ''ד(fortified room) is a solution to a nuclear attack]
SO WHAT - FOR HEAVENS SAKE- DOES HASHEM WANT FROM US???
I don't see much of a difference between these two questions.
Searching for the answer to this question is -in my opinion- the step 1 of the Torah approach.
The pasuk in Shir Hashirim says:
יוֹנָתִי בְּחַגְוֵי הַסֶּלַע בְּסֵתֶר הַמַּדְרֵגָה הַרְאִינִי אֶת-מַרְאַיִךְ הַשְׁמִיעִנִי אֶת-קוֹלֵךְ כִּי-קוֹלֵךְ עָרֵב וּמַרְאֵיךְ נָאוֶה
The midrash explains the moshol as follows. The dove sees a vulture coming after him so he hides between the rocks. The vulture comes closer and so the dove is forced to go under the rock. But down there, there's a big snake! And the dove is totally stuck!
That - says the midrash - was the situation that Hashem put us in to by the Yam Suf. And why? Because He wanted to hear our beautiful voice and He wanted us to show our beautiful true colors.
We live in the Olam Hasheker and our true essence becomes unrecognizable as our guf takes over. We become distant from Hashem and lost in the world of materialism.
BUT THEN THE MOMENT OF TRUTH COMES. THE MOMEMT OF LOVE. THE MOMENT THAT HASHEM WANTS TO SEE THE REAL YID - THE MOMENT THAT HASHEM WANTS TO CONNECT WITH US.
הַרְאִינִי אֶת-מַרְאַיִךְ הַשְׁמִיעִנִי אֶת-קוֹלֵךְ כִּי-קוֹלֵךְ עָרֵב וּמַרְאֵיךְ נָאוֶה
In Hashems Infinite Unfathomable Wisdom, He saw fit to create us in such a way that our pnimius comes out in a moment of desperation like no other time. At that point we realize that Ein oid milvado - all the illusions fall away and our Neshomoh shines forth in all it's beauty. Because deep inside our hearts, all there is is Hashem - as Chazal say הקב''ה לבן של ישראל
And then we feel completely dependent on Hashem and we call out to Hashem from the bottom of our pure heart. And Hashem finds our voice extremely sweet. [Which means that we gain from it in a way that is totally beyond imagination. Because in truth Hashem does not need anything from us at all. Everything is ONLY for our good.]
Klal Yisroel is in the same situation today. We've been in galus for a mighty long time. We have of necessity become more of a "society" than the Mamleches Cohanim that we are supposed to be. For many people being frum means followings the excepted norms in our society. This is a very good thing. It has prevented many from getting lost.
But now Hashem is putting us in that desperate and impossible situation where there is simply no escape. Hashem is telling us:
הַרְאִינִי אֶת-מַרְאַיִךְ הַשְׁמִיעִנִי אֶת-קוֹלֵךְ כִּי-קוֹלֵךְ עָרֵב וּמַרְאֵיךְ נָאוֶה
Hashem is telling us: It's time for the real thing; it's time for you to show your true colors. It's for you to shed the "בגדים הצואים" and to be the real you.
It's time to run away from the olam hasheker and return עד ד' אלוקיך .
It's time to scream with all your heart "אלכה ואשובה אל אישי הראשון - I will drop all the taivos of this olam hasheker and go and return to my first love - my only true love, the source of all love and all good - the source of life and all existence!"
The time has come for יחוד קודשא בריך הוא ושכינתיה - for us to become the pure vessel for the Shechina Hakidosha.
And the exact same is true for each one of us on a personal level. We find ourselves in the grip of taivoh in the most extreme way. Al pi derech hateva there's no way out - as the Gemoroh says כל באיה לא ישובון. But all that taivoh is just בגדים צואים that the y'h "clothed" on to our burning desire for Hashem. Our real desire is buried so deep that perhaps we don't even feel it at all.
BUT THE TIME HAS COME...
The posuk says in Yeshaya וד' חפץ דכאו החלי and the Gemoroh explains: כל שהקב"ה חפץ בו מדכאו ביסורין Notice that it doesn't say that Hashem loves him rather that Hashem desires him. He wants us close - in His embrace.
The big difference between us on a personal level and Klal Yisroel on a general level is that we (hopefully-[that's the real step 1]) feel the squeeze; while the "world" doesn't.
That means that Hashem expects us to lead the way. We have to start the revolution and Klal Yisroel will follow. This can help us understand the very extreme chidush that R' Tzodok says (see "Who am I" thread) that those with the strongest connection to taivoh and sin will be the leaders when Moshiach comes. Strange as it may sound we will lead Klal Yisroel out of golus!
SO CRY YOUR HEART OUT TO HASHEM!!! השבנו אבינו לתורתיך וקרבנו מלכינו לעבודתיך והחזרינו בתשובה שלימה לפניך . DON'T just ask Him to stop you from acting out, because chances are He will say: "No my love, I want your heart הַרְאִינִי אֶת-מַרְאַיִךְ הַשְׁמִיעִנִי אֶת-קוֹלֵךְ - only then will I take you out of this mess."
Rather ask Him to return you all the way to Him (see Torah Tavlin thread)
And don't cry to Hashem out of frustration and annoyance. That won't get you very far. We have to realize that Hashem desires us. We are not losers that ended up in this situation by a stroke of bad luck. We have no complaints against Hashem (although we have no shortage of pain). On the contrary we were the ones that were zoicheh to a personal wake up call from Hashem Himself. So, with Simcha shel Mitzvoh, cry your heart out - a cry of yearning - a cry of hope - a cry of longing - a cry of love אלכה ואשובה אל אישי הראשון
