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WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES HASHEM WANT FROM ME!?! 30 Dec 2009 19:54 #40188

  • battleworn
The following piece was inspired by Uri's good-bye party.

What in the world does Hashem want from me???  
The question may bother many of us. [In-fact the more it bothers us the better!]

The Torah tells us that avodas Hashem is not supposed to be all that complicated. It's just about choosing Our creators prescription for life over the option of death.

So why on earth do many of us find ourselves in a situation where we are sure that we don't want to sin - we are absolutely sure that it's self-destructive, and yet we keep doing it.

In my humble opinion, the same question can be asked about Klal Yisroel as a whole. The world is so flooded with tumah beyond any description. Znus has become the religion of the world and it's just all over the place. Take Manhattan for example. So many thousands of frum Jews need to be in Manhattan daily, but Manhattan makes S'dom and Amorah look like cities of Tzadikim.

All that is NOTHING-ZILCH-ZERO compared to the Internet. We all know that the Internet is the supreme, ideal, and perfect weapon of the y'h. It's like if AL-qaeda would have a massive nuclear arsenal. BUT the world has become increasingly dependent on the Internet, to the point that "outlawing" it, is not at all doable. We are totally stuck with no way out. [I'm sorry to say that filters are about as much a solution to the problem as a ממ''ד(fortified room) is a solution to a nuclear attack]


I don't see much of a difference between these two questions.
Searching for the answer to this question is -in my opinion- the step 1 of the Torah approach.

The pasuk in Shir Hashirim says:
יוֹנָתִי בְּחַגְוֵי הַסֶּלַע בְּסֵתֶר הַמַּדְרֵגָה הַרְאִינִי אֶת-מַרְאַיִךְ הַשְׁמִיעִנִי אֶת-קוֹלֵךְ כִּי-קוֹלֵךְ עָרֵב וּמַרְאֵיךְ נָאוֶה  
The midrash explains the moshol as follows. The dove sees a vulture coming after him so he hides between the rocks. The vulture comes closer and so the dove is forced to go under the rock. But down there, there's a big snake! And the dove is totally stuck!

That - says the midrash - was the situation that Hashem put us in to by the Yam Suf. And why? Because He wanted to hear our beautiful voice and He wanted us to show our beautiful true colors.

We live in the Olam Hasheker and our true essence becomes unrecognizable as our guf  takes over. We become distant from Hashem and lost in the world of materialism.


הַרְאִינִי אֶת-מַרְאַיִךְ הַשְׁמִיעִנִי אֶת-קוֹלֵךְ כִּי-קוֹלֵךְ עָרֵב וּמַרְאֵיךְ נָאוֶה

In Hashems Infinite Unfathomable Wisdom, He saw fit to create us in such a way that our pnimius comes out in a moment of desperation like no other time. At that point we realize that Ein oid milvado - all the illusions fall away and our Neshomoh shines forth in all it's beauty. Because deep inside our hearts, all there is is Hashem - as Chazal say הקב''ה לבן של ישראל

And then we feel completely dependent on Hashem and we call out to Hashem from the bottom of our pure heart. And Hashem finds our voice extremely sweet. [Which means that we gain from it in a way that is totally beyond imagination. Because in truth Hashem does not need anything from us at all. Everything is ONLY for our good.]

Klal Yisroel is in the same situation today. We've been in galus for a mighty long time. We have of necessity become more of a "society" than the Mamleches Cohanim that we are supposed to be. For many people being frum means followings the excepted norms in our society. This is a very good thing. It has prevented many from getting lost.

But now Hashem is putting us in that desperate and impossible situation where there is simply no escape. Hashem is telling us:
הַרְאִינִי אֶת-מַרְאַיִךְ הַשְׁמִיעִנִי אֶת-קוֹלֵךְ כִּי-קוֹלֵךְ עָרֵב וּמַרְאֵיךְ נָאוֶה
Hashem is telling us: It's time for the real thing; it's time for you to show your true colors. It's for you to shed the "בגדים הצואים" and to be the real you.

It's time to run away from the olam hasheker and return  עד ד' אלוקיך .

It's time to scream with all your heart "אלכה ואשובה אל אישי הראשון - I will drop all the taivos of this olam hasheker and go and return to my first love - my only true love, the source of all love and all good - the source of life and all existence!"

The time has come for יחוד קודשא בריך הוא ושכינתיה  - for us to become the pure vessel for the Shechina Hakidosha.

And the exact same is true for each one of us on a personal level. We find ourselves in the grip of taivoh in the most extreme way. Al pi derech hateva there's no way out - as the Gemoroh says כל באיה לא ישובון. But all that taivoh is just בגדים צואים that the y'h "clothed" on to our burning desire for Hashem. Our real desire is buried so deep that perhaps we don't even feel it at all.


The posuk says in Yeshaya וד' חפץ דכאו החלי and the Gemoroh explains: כל שהקב"ה חפץ בו מדכאו ביסורין  Notice that it doesn't say that Hashem loves him rather that Hashem desires him. He wants us close - in His embrace.

The big difference between us on a personal level and Klal Yisroel on a general level is that we (hopefully-[that's the real step 1]) feel the squeeze; while the "world" doesn't.

That means that Hashem expects us to lead the way. We have to start the revolution and Klal Yisroel will follow. This can help us understand the very extreme chidush that R' Tzodok says (see "Who am I" thread) that those with the strongest connection to taivoh and sin will be the leaders when Moshiach comes. Strange as it may sound we will lead Klal Yisroel out of golus!

SO CRY YOUR HEART OUT TO HASHEM!!! השבנו אבינו לתורתיך וקרבנו מלכינו לעבודתיך והחזרינו בתשובה שלימה לפניך . DON'T just ask Him to stop you from acting out, because chances are He will say: "No my love, I want your heart הַרְאִינִי אֶת-מַרְאַיִךְ הַשְׁמִיעִנִי אֶת-קוֹלֵךְ - only then will I take you out of this mess."
Rather ask Him to return you all the way to Him (see Torah Tavlin thread)

And don't cry to Hashem out of frustration and annoyance. That won't get you very far. We have to realize that Hashem desires us. We are not losers that ended up in this situation by a stroke of bad luck. We have no complaints against Hashem (although we have no shortage of pain). On the contrary we were the ones that were zoicheh to a personal wake up call from Hashem Himself. So, with Simcha shel Mitzvoh, cry your heart out - a cry of yearning  - a cry of hope - a cry of longing - a cry of love  אלכה ואשובה אל אישי הראשון
Last Edit: 30 Dec 2009 20:25 by .

Re: WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES HASHEM WANT FROM ME!?! 30 Dec 2009 21:26 #40231

  • imtrying25
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Thanks Battleworn. Beautiful. :'( :'(
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Re: WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES HASHEM WANT FROM ME!?! 31 Dec 2009 12:35 #40440

  • battleworn
I want to add a few points over here:

1) We don't change overnight just by crying our heart out. Hashem wants us to work on changing ourselves consistently, stubbornly and with yishuv hadas. We need patience and perseverance. All the mitzvohs -especially Torah and Tefilah, can effect this change if we want them to (see Torah Tavlin thread). Torah and Tefilah when combined together have an even greater power.  

2) Shmiras habris is called midas hayesod and it is the foundation that everthing (including -perhaps especially- Torah and Tefilah) stand on. So we need to invest heavily in this area. This is particularly true for us. The Gra and R' Tzadok say that the area in which one finds himself the weakest, is the area that he was sent down to this world to work on and that is what is needed for his tikun. BUT the intention must be, NOT to get this nuicense out of the way, but rather to return completely to Hashem. Being immersed in taivoh is synonomous with being distant from Hashem. Our intention and our efforts must be concentrated on changing the direction of our desires 180 degrees.

3) Only Hashem knows how much to squeeze us. Some of us may need to reach a higher level of desperation than others in order to reach the desired effect. Sometimes people ask: Doesn't Hashem know that I can't handle this? Doesn't He know how weak I am? The answer is -of course, that Hashem most definitely knows what we can do; the question is do we know? We have no idea what power our neshomoh has. And we also have no idea what it takes to bring that power to fruition. Emunah and Bitachon are the only way to go!

Last Edit: 03 Jan 2010 11:46 by .

Re: WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES HASHEM WANT FROM ME!?! 31 Dec 2009 14:00 #40458

  • the.guard
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One day, someone will gather up all these pearls and publish a book called "Lekutai Battleworn"! 
Webmaster of - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
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Re: WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES HASHEM WANT FROM ME!?! 31 Dec 2009 17:31 #40575

  • 7yipol
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guardureyes wrote on 31 Dec 2009 14:00:

One day, someone will gather up all these pearls and publish a book called "Lekutai Battleworn"! 

And I will be first on line to buy it. Even though I will probably know it by heart by that point.
I hope.
Battleworn; you speak directly to my neshama with your words. No detours via the guf.
Hashem is addicted to you! Feel His hugs!"Sheva yipol tzaddik VKUM"
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Re: WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES HASHEM WANT FROM ME!?! 31 Dec 2009 23:01 #40735

  • kollel guy
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Beautiful R' Battleworn.
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Re: what in the world 31 Dec 2009 23:11 #40744

  • loi-misyaeish
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Re: WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES HASHEM WANT FROM ME!?! 20 Jan 2010 16:29 #47263

  • Luria
That was amazing...
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Re: WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES HASHEM WANT FROM ME!?! 05 Mar 2010 03:01 #56465

  • aish kodesh
thanks so much for the great chizuk .

and like it says pischu le pesach shel machet vaney ...  do that small move like dont go to the supermarket with magzines at the check out ,and hashem will do the rest ,he will bring you up closer to him and wash your sins away 
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Re: WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES HASHEM WANT FROM ME!?! 23 Apr 2010 16:10 #62764

  • Izgadin
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Amazing!  Thank you battleworn.

Why change just 180 degrees - how about 360 degrees (oso makom, oso isha etc.), true teshuva where you are in the exact same circumstance, but an entirely different person.

Just a thought.


One minute at a time.
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Re: WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES HASHEM WANT FROM ME!?! 29 Jun 2010 17:05 #72531

  • NewMe
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Really really beautiful thank you very much.
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Re: WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES HASHEM WANT FROM ME!?! 19 Aug 2011 13:49 #115422

  • Back on Track
I think I saw written someplace. On this site that the entire manhattan is considered oso makom and oso isha... Its the same junk block after block....
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Re: WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES HASHEM WANT FROM ME!?! 22 Aug 2011 00:10 #115604

  • Jackabbey
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thanks, i like it
heard a cd drosho fromRabbie Waksmann (meor yitzchak) i think it was from the agudah convention, the topic is: our vulnerable & precious youth, brings out your beautifull thoughts
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Re: WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES HASHEM WANT FROM ME!?! 25 Sep 2011 12:43 #120210

  • milehashem
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The feeling of beating the yetzer hara is A MILLION TIMES better, and much longer lasting, than the feeling of giving in.

Read about my triumph - you can do it too!

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Re: WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES HASHEM WANT FROM ME!?! 18 May 2012 05:27 #137715

  • interveltnik
I saw a powerful mashal from R' Guddel Eisner he told to someone who asked a similar question: Before the war they had much loftier nisyonos, nowdays we have to fight the YH on basics. He said there was once a person that got very awed by a the enormity of some worldpower. There were ministers generals judges and vice, taking care of every aspect of this huge kingdom. He came to the king saying he also wants to b part of this whole system, he also wants to serve the king. The king told him he needs some
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