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HELP-SOS
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.

TOPIC: HELP-SOS 30023 Views

Re: HELP-SOS 06 Mar 2011 12:59 #99719

  • silentbattle
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The fact that you recognize it as "stinking thinking" is a huge step - and being able to follow that up by ignoring it is the next one, which you did well, too!
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Re: HELP-SOS 07 Mar 2011 09:40 #99881

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Hello friends. It is such a zchus to have you view my thread, i thank every one of you-you each are instrumental in my recovery.
Today I have to go to Tel Aviv for a college test. To get there i must first go to the denizen of lust, the tachana hamerkazit, then to tel aviv to the nine floor tachana there.

There are all types of people here-some without clothing, some with very little clothing, some with triggering clothing, and so on. To me, they are really all one type-a type that i have to stay away from. I have already, and will in the close future, see things that can send me backwards in recovery, c'v, for months. However, i was already prepped for all this by walking into this nisayon in a good and relaxed mood, with a clear mind that can easily drop it's chaff and flares and dodge the sidewinder missles headed my way.


Instead of conciously looking away from the lust, or subconciously fighting it and lying to myself that im not relly fighting it, I am maintaining a balance instead where i just dont care. I'm indifferent. I'm not fighting with anyone or anything. Like the handbook and Tanya say, when we wrestle with a mud caked guy with ticks and lice, we are certainly going to get dirty.
So instead i just don't wrestle with him- i just keep walking.
In martial Arts psychology we learned that if the thugs call you and provoke you to fight with them, just keep walking. A person can't fight with someone else and have a show down of who's stronger when yenem keeps walking.


In the brilliant words of my martial arts teacher, rebbe, and close friend-"A fight is when two people agree to disagree".
In the past several years, iv'e tried to "not look", and also tried to "try not to fight it while i try to not look and ". Both have failed, and add tremendous stress and guilt.


Now, iv'e discovered, through BARD'S SIMCHA SECRET that just being happy, relaxed, and comfortable IS the way to "not fight" and really not fight while your'e not fighting.


I see soldiers, ethiopian bus drivers. Instead of being a depressed and austere anxiety driven "oiveid Hashem" and being "mikaney the emess", and looking down on everyone around me and judging them for bieng in the army or being ethiopian, i feel relaxed and healthy. Instead i see beautiful jews in the army, and nice ethiopian bus drivers who say "tivarik!" while serving the barekas throught the little window in the mir dining room.

On the two big pillars in the front of the tachana in J-lem, there's two huge pic's of some fashion model whose eyebrows resemble that of Frankenstein,  and she looks like she's on eleven different medications for manic depression and obsessive compulsive cannabalism disorder-I used to see futuristic fashion pics like this in the newspaper in the old days. I think it's a nice way to be mifarneiss these ladies after they escape from the emily oaks icholov mental care trauma center and need a way to make some money to feed their cannabalism victims before they devour them with mustard and chrain (purple chrain). I think on her lapel there's a pin which reads "OCC AOBAAA". Now i know i'm right in my guess. (obsessive compulsive cannabalism and orange beard attraction addiction anonymous).


I'm gaurding my eyes too; i'm not doing the best in that but not so terrible either, b'H. As i re-read in the new handbook 2011 ed., and i copy and paste for you-


"Even when we have already learned to control the more seriously damaging addictive
behaviors, we may still find that it takes us yet another few years to learn how to fully surrender
our lusting to Hashem and gain complete control over our eyes. So don't get discouraged if you
break free of the inappropriate behaviors but still find it difficult to guard your eyes on the street".
__________________________
Okay, I'm in the tachana in tel aviv by now-I change my mind-i think THIS is the denizen of lust, sorry for the confusion.
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Re: HELP-SOS 07 Mar 2011 09:41 #99882

  • tzaddik90
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Oh! AND THAnk you silent battle for always showing up in this neighborhood, even though the price of chopped liver is a little higher here than in others...
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Re: HELP-SOS 07 Mar 2011 16:33 #99934

  • ZemirosShabbos
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is Qaddafi affecting chopped liver prices?

love your attitude!
you are becoming a Bardichever Talmid. tell the guy at the turnstile in Sadigerer mikva, maybe you can get a discounted rate
Sometimes life is like tuna with not enough mayonaise
~Inna beshem ZS

Give, Forgive
~Cordnoy

The reason I'm acting as if I'm pregnant, is because I'm expecting. I should be accepting.
~TZ
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Re: HELP-SOS 07 Mar 2011 16:34 #99936

  • ben durdayah
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And maybe if you tell him that we're friends I can also get a price break (though I have a much nicer mikvah much closer to my house!).
For Dov and the other two guys who care,
My real name really is
 Eli
Like the original Bendy, Ein hadavar talui ela bee




 
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Re: HELP-SOS 07 Mar 2011 16:36 #99937

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Ben Durdaya, Congratulations on hitting 500!!!!  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Re: HELP-SOS 07 Mar 2011 16:37 #99938

  • ben durdayah
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Thanks rising up!

Iy"h by you!
For Dov and the other two guys who care,
My real name really is
 Eli
Like the original Bendy, Ein hadavar talui ela bee




 
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Re: HELP-SOS 07 Mar 2011 16:45 #99940

  • ZemirosShabbos
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mazel tov Bendy! iy'h till 5,000 oif simchos

and does your other mikva have the same variety of aquatic life as Sadiger? sharks, Portuguese men of war, herrings and octopuses?
Sometimes life is like tuna with not enough mayonaise
~Inna beshem ZS

Give, Forgive
~Cordnoy

The reason I'm acting as if I'm pregnant, is because I'm expecting. I should be accepting.
~TZ
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Re: HELP-SOS 07 Mar 2011 16:50 #99942

  • ben durdayah
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No wildlife by us (except for the Homo Sapiens who frequent the place)

To quote my father a"h after coming to my local Mik:

"Wow, this is the first time I've ever been to a Mikvah where you can actually see the floor!"
For Dov and the other two guys who care,
My real name really is
 Eli
Like the original Bendy, Ein hadavar talui ela bee




 
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Re: HELP-SOS 08 Mar 2011 00:24 #100065

  • tzaddik90
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there is an old chassidic saying (seen fictiously in a yidish calendar in barnes and noble) if there arent enuff beard hairs to make the floor two inches higher, its not a mikva
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Re: HELP-SOS 08 Mar 2011 12:41 #100115

  • tzaddik90
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Doing well today. Im racked with RID, mind's whirling like a sadiger turnstyle, heavy breathing
i see possums everywhere, but i do not feel compelled to medicate my RID with smirnoff or porn
i learned that HERE ON GYE
so im a emotional mental wreck, but im not running anywhere to act out
except if i cld only take a quick peek at a marmosette, i wont look for too long, oy the desire is overwhelming, i think i need to tear up my pass to the tanachi zoo right now
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Re: HELP-SOS 08 Mar 2011 13:15 #100121

  • ben durdayah
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tzaddik90 wrote on 08 Mar 2011 00:24:

there is an old chassidic saying (seen fictiously in a yidish calendar in barnes and noble) if there arent enuff beard hairs to make the floor two inches higher, its not a mikva


There's an old Jerusalemite curse which goes like this:

Zolst arayngein in mikvah mit a karachat, und aroisgeyn mit a gantze paruk! (attributed to an old Tzefasser bubbe)
For Dov and the other two guys who care,
My real name really is
 Eli
Like the original Bendy, Ein hadavar talui ela bee




 
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Re: HELP-SOS 08 Mar 2011 15:47 #100140

  • ZemirosShabbos
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tzadik, sorry to hear about the RID and the Sadigerer whirlygig, sometimes it helps to talk it out to Hashem or to a friend or to both and get a quick compass fix to make sure you are headed in the right direction
Sometimes life is like tuna with not enough mayonaise
~Inna beshem ZS

Give, Forgive
~Cordnoy

The reason I'm acting as if I'm pregnant, is because I'm expecting. I should be accepting.
~TZ
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Re: HELP-SOS 09 Mar 2011 14:21 #100299

  • tzaddik90
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A TRUE INSIGHTFUL STORY/TELL ME IF YOU IDENTIFY
Maybe someone will gain from and identify with this. It's interesting either way:

Over the last 9-10 months I have done a form of self-therapy called "regression" (and one called smirnoff). This therapy is for people who had unmanagable stress from trying to live like a mekubal wizard wicked witch of the west wannabe, with some Harry fishel Potter on the side and  alot of RID. If you have gotten too much into kabbalistic chumros which are only for tzaddikim gemurim (Amshinover, Baba Sali, Reb Moshe)like not crossing your fingers together mixing chessed and din, or like not eating meat on sundays (see hak' to reishis chachmah from chachmei tzfas) or not being mis-aveh at all for tashmish and instead lighting yourself up from nura di'atzilus (reish' chachmah, shar hakdusha).

It is also for people who OCD'd themselves to near insanity, like me, from learning too much and too fast. (The Chofetz Chaim did this and couldn't learn bi'iyun for a year, it's written down in R' Yoshor's book and ten other places). At least me and the heilige CC have one thing in common.

Anyhow, this was my self-therapy: I CHILLED OUT BIGTIME. I call it "regression". I ran it by A gadol before I did it. Anyhoo, it means learning to enjoy and connect, as opp. to finish another book and assure myself im not an ignoramus. It means being happy, having a sense of humor. Not denying your wealthy knowledge of the Calvin and hobbes and Lenyrd Skynrd all your high school friends, and instead learning from it and appreciating it as who you are, part of your very unique place in the Jewish Nation.

It means having a enjoyable shabbos meal by taking off your jacket, and not forcing yourself to wear it at the shabbos table to keep the malachim there like in the ARIZAL/R yisroel Najarah story (see shivchei Arizal].

I chilled out so much that I chilled out too much and lost my hasmada, and yiras shamayim. I dont feel bad about this-i'm doing what im supposed to to become a human being and not a brain damaged marmosette-spleen-cooker, in a wok, of course . Now my job is to gradually learn how to be a Tzaddik and be normal. To quote Zemmiros shabbos "you can upload an avatar AND serve Hshem!" This still makes me laugh.

When i was recently in my "too chilled out stage", I lost touch with the good side of me, as opp. to before when i lost touch with the wordly human side of me. Since i lost touch with my good middos and goals, i used bad middos more and spoke a bissel lashon hara, was mivatel some learning.

As a result, my frau (wife in spanish-portugese) got a little lighheaded ona'as dvarim directed at her, also her emotional needs were not met properly, plus she did not look up to me for the masmid who strove to cling to God (or the ARIZAL?) that i used to be.

This wasn't good. She got depressed and it made it only harder to swing upward again and be joyous. Then, i bit her a bit with my words, and made her cry.
____

Suddenly, a GYE called me on the phone from overseas!
I told him "yankel-it's good you called cuz my brain is falling apart into mazarella!"
I told him my battleplan and asked what he thought.
I said "if i do something to reconnect myself to the good person that i really am, then i think i will get outta this yeridah rolercoaster by feeling good abt. myself."
Fellow GYE said (in my words): "sounds like a plan-as long as no babies choke on plastic bags, your'e plan should work rather well! good luck."

With that encouragement, i told my wife i gotta go to my din din table and learn some gemara.
My Frau loved the idea.
I learned the end of, and finished meseches megillah, and then pounded several prakim of pirkei direbbi eliezer.
"gee-it feels good to learn shtark and be feel like myself again" i said.
And with that i climbed out of the spiraly, hellish, hole/abyss of despair and guilt.

I made up with the Frau.

I made her some mint tea.

Today too was great. Now i think im back in rythm!

Thank Hashem (i am not made in china like some think).

End of post-now there's two addendums-one is s/think for you kabalah appreciating addicts out there (i hope there are none), the second is a story which is quite interesting.
________________________________________________________________________
Addendum one-if you have the patience, this is very insightful!:
To understand what happened in my komah, i will repeat what a secret tzaddik told me abt. the above issues:
I once ran into a Rebbi mekubal of mine by the mikva. I walked him home. We shmoozed.
Suddenly, he paused me, seeing no one was around, and did a yichud from chelek daled of sharei kdusha. He repeated my name several times and said the pasuk "gal eini vi'avita....". It wont work for you so dont attemp it-only great tzaddikim can do this one.
Then he said "I see your tzelem elokim with it's komah of sefiros.
I'll tell you what i see, one by one.
your keser is good, you have a little yiras shamayim, not like many people i see who are complete fakers.
chachmah is fine.....
binah.....oh man! your binah is completely shut off.
let's see what's wrong but first lets continue.
chesed is fine
gevurah, oyoyoy, i'll tell u in a second
tiferess
netzach, fine...
hod...
yesod...its really messed up! you gotta do tshuva for mbating, etc.
lets look deeper-in the three livushim of yesod, your dibur's okay, masah needs improvement but not terrible...your levush hamachshava is terrible
say tikun klali for a year, do tshuva, start gaurding your eyes, etc.
NOW, YOUR BINAH'S ALL BLOCKED SO LET'S LOOK AT THE KAV HASMALI. OKAY...YOUR BINAH IS DESTROYED BECAUSE YOUR GVUROS, ALSO IN KAV HASMALI, ARE COMPLETELY TAMEI. YOU HAVE A HUGE ANGER PROBLEM....IT IS DESTROYING YOUR NESHAMA..... .
"but rebbi, i almost never get upset at my wife or friends" i said.
Said back the rebbi "let's look closer-i see! in levush hamaaseh you dont yell at your wife or anything, but sometimes in your tone of voice you broadcast that your'e upset. thats in levush hadeebur.
BUT THE REAL ANGER PROBLEM IS NOT AT ALL TOWARDS YOUR WIFE OR FRIENDS.....ITS TOWARDS.....YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU SET STANDARDS FOR YOURSELF TOOOOOO HIGH AND WANT TO FINISH SHAS IN A WEEK AND BECOME A TZADDIK IN A YEAR, AND YOU HAVE NO PATIENCE FOR YOURSELF.
THESE THINGS TAKE TIME, KID! YOU GOTTA LEARN TO ENJOY AND SERVE HASHEM, AND SERVE HASHEM BEC. YOUR SUPPOSED TO AND NOT BEC. YOU WANT TO REACH ANY PARTICULAR MADREIGAS!
YOU GOTTA CHILL OUT, AND LEARN HOW TO BE BISIMCHA WITH WHAT YOU HAVE, AND NOT DEPRESSED WITH WHAT YOU DONT HAVE
now go work on being besimcha and doing tshuva on your yesod,
and come back to me in two mnths and i'll look at your metzach."
___________________
Moral of the story-
dont learn to finish,
and be bisimcha
and we serve Hashem cuz its right, not to get a madreiga
____________________________
second addendum for later cuz my fingers are tired. Not bleeding though.
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Re: HELP-SOS 09 Mar 2011 14:30 #100300

  • ben durdayah
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I don't know from which part to be misrageish first...

This is gevaldigggggggggggg!

KOT,

E
For Dov and the other two guys who care,
My real name really is
 Eli
Like the original Bendy, Ein hadavar talui ela bee




 
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