SMGW and BD are two great guys speaking two different languages. And as we know from second grade when we learned about how Hashem broke up the Tower of bavel guys, when two people who are speaking different languages try to communicate, they usually end up smashing one another over the head with their bricks! :o
Ouch.
You love eachother because it is obvious that you are trying so hard to communicate. Fortunately everybody else here has one tremendous advantage over both of you: we are not you. So we can see things calmly and objectively.
SMGW was just sharing his failures, not expressing his heteirim. We are not saints. We slip. Accepting that does not mean that we feel it is OK. Quite the contrary - accepting it means we recognize that we need special handling because of our tendencies, and special tender love from Hashem, too.
I believe that's why an SA member is officially called a sexaholic and not a lustaholic. If lust was our bottom line, we'd all have about three days of sobriety (OK, maybe Kedusha would have a week,,,,[said that just 4u, me3 ;D]). We occasionally do lust. It's stupid, but we do it. And we learn from it.
But the founders (addicts) of SA knew they needed a relatively clear bottom line that expressed a line that once crossed, meant things had changed somewhere and we need to start from step 1 all over again.
To SMGW:
Funny story. I was 2 years sober and felt I was "the man". At a meeting, I shared the resentments I bore neged my wife and the unvarnished truth about how selfish and inconsiderate I occasionally am with her. Nu. I am a human being in recovery, boruch hashem for honesty, right?
Well, this obviously well-meaning fellow sits down with me and explains to me why I will never make it in recovery at all with my attitude. If I do not shape up, I am toast. He pleaded with me to start taking my life and recovery seriously for a change and left the room after telling me he was sober almost a year now, and that he has found his advice to be working well for him.
I said nothing to him but "OK." he did not know that I was obviously doing something right because of my two big years of sobriety - because I never announced my sobriety date till my sponsor told me to at about 2.5 years, so he didn't know.
But who cares about the dates? Is a guy with two years of sobriety necessarily 'more recovered' or healthier than a guy with a month? Certainly not. It's all about quality, not quantity.
But at that time, I didn't really believe that, so he infuriated me!!
See, he made the mistake of punishing me for being open. he did not realize what he was doing. He knew my selfish behavior and thinking were wrong, but simply was not yet used to people vomiting their guts up on the table like that, for everyone to see. He did not understand that I was cutting myself open and performing a biopsy on an emotional abscess. That instead of just bemoaning my fate, I was working a 5th step and trying to let go of it.
He truly was trying to help me!
Nu. B"H I didn't run away from the program over that incident. And I have never seen that guy again at a meeting. I hope he's OK and that his wife is very happy.
BD: I bet you have never been in an SA or AA meeting. That's not an indictment, at all. It's just that you are speaking a beautiful, but entirely different language.
