i just finished the relationship i last posted on a little while ago. coping has been very difficult.

we were very close and there was tremendous potential there. i ended up calling it off because i couldn't say i loved her enough.

basically, i have been clean throughout this relationship (almost entirely) falling only very infrequently for nearly 6 months. i'm currently under a lot of pressure in my life and having to spend a lot of time on the computer alone to do my best work.

it makes things difficult.

in the past 48 hrs, i've fallen now 4 times. to a great degree, i was happiest with her. now feelings of lonliness have set in and i'm taking a hit. hard to stay up. i don't want to believe that i have to re-enter this struggle as it once was. i want to think that these 48 hrs were just a bump in the road but im worried they are indicitive of something more.

i'm debating returning to the forum again... i want to just get past the stress-causing factors that i'm going through now (finals) and then re-assess. i know the forum would help me feel less lonely on some level and provide me with the support i could want, but i worry about its affect in making me think i'm back to square one and therefore not fighting to my best ability.

also, i have made tremendous progess recently on my self-image (not ego) and have begun believing in myself in ways i never thought possible. but this struggle is now coming to choke and kill off all of my dreams, ambitions and potential one hour, one image at a time.

i want to cry, but i don't want to becasue it will make me think i'm back where i started.

i tried reading some vorts that i had saved in a file on my computer, but they also made me feel like i'm back in my cage.

any thoughts/chizuk? could really use a helping hand right about now.....

how 'bout:

i'm back

we're glad to see you again!

u know, even if the relationship would have lasted and developed, eventually a while in2 ur marriage, u would have gone back 2 ur old habits anyways.

a marriage/girlfriend/relationship/whatever doesn't 'save us'
it doesn't go away like magic.

working through the 12-steps, applying ourselves to make a real change...this is what makes the difference.

and once we fully dig deep, change who we are from the inside out, maybe...our emotional health might be different to the point where 'i love you' can be said often and with meaning

d_teddybear wrote on 29 Dec 2010 05:46:


thanks so much for the quick response.....sorry if this sounds defensive but...

my appologies if that was the impression i gave off. i was making real progress in my growth. my personality was changing in a very real way. there is no question about it. i was a changed man. she brought out the best in me and allowed me to see what that really was, what that type of life is like and who i really am capable of becoming.

secondly, the reason why i couldn't say i loved her freely was not because of an emotional instability but rather a problem i had in the was that we clicked.

i don't know that i'm supposed to be happy to be back or even be back at all. part of me wants to keep trying life without GYE for a while longer. if i find my habbits returning to where they once were, then i think it would be wise to return.

these past few days have just been really chalenging is all

 

that's really tough.

you know, she sounds like such an awesome girl,  she was obviously good for you. it's a shame it didn't work out.

break-ups hurt, especially when you still like the person.
i hope you come out of this ok.

thanks teddy...

sorry if my words above were sharp. that sympathy sure did feel good though. i just feel misunderstood and lonely...greatly appreciate your comfort

its especially difficult to get over her if i don't see myself dating anyone else in the near future while she def. will and will prob get married to someone else before i could return

no offense taken, i can't pretend 2 know u fully or anything.

you know, if she's meant for you, she will not meet anyone else that will live up to who u were, and she will still be there when ur ready - no matter how awesome she is, or how easy it is for her to get along with people.
if it's meant to be, the Ribono Shel Olom'll take care of that for you.

shnaps?

yes and no....

i could lose her if i no longer deserve her al'pi harambam i think

I think that your mistake was to leave GYE in the first place. The way I see things (not my chidush) once a sexoholic always a sexoholic. In other words, this thing can/will always come back to bite especially when the conditions are right (loneliness, stress, etc.) so moving on (when things are going well) and thinking that we are cured is normal but not realistic. We will never be cured (we can remain clean/sober but we'll always have the urge or sickness) so don't feel bad that you are back. I think that if you accept this, you'll realize that leaving was the mistake.



I know exactly what you mean. I felt like Superman during my first clean streak but everything shattered when I fell. But now I don't take credit for my clean streaks anymore. I leave my lust problems to hashem and He solves them so who am I to take credit. I feel content with myself, because I called out for help (both on GYE and hashem) and I deserve a pat on the back for that but I don't take credit for the battles. I'm still deep in the woods but I feel better with myself. I don't take the credit but bottom line, I'm cleaner than ever before so I feel great about that and I feel that I can achieve so much more in life now.

Anyway, cheer up! This girl was obviously not for you and she was probably placed in your life to make you a better person. You learnt from her and now it's time to move on (easier said than done but you don't have a choice but to move on). Focus on the future, don't look back (unless it helps you move forward).

Much hatzlocha

I know exactly how you're feeling. The same exact thing happened to me. However, after I broke up with the girl I was dating, I found a wonderful group of people called the GYE community, and I'm trying to work on myself, so I hope you stick around. It will all work out for the best. Much Hatzlacha and hope to keep hearing from you.

im dating someone right one and a breakup seems the scariest thing in the world to me right now
u much have such strength
i give u a bracha that u found the one soon in its right time.

installed wrote on 29 Dec 2010 08:10:


correct me if i'm wrong, but I don't think that someone needs to be connected to GYE forever once branded an "addict." Unless one is in need of the help of the chevra, or finds writing on the forum theraputic and helpful i can't imagine needing to stay forever. Leaving GYE for these few months was not a bad move for me in my case becasue it allowed me to step away fromt he false image i had created of myself being helpless (which wasn't GYE's fault but my own low self-confidence created with my struggle) and re-gain that trust in myself.


installed wrote on 29 Dec 2010 08:10:



i fully subscribe to what you're saying. i too cannot take any credit at all for that "streak" i didn't even do anything except be myslef

You are right. We do not need to remain on GYE forever but we do need a group or a person that we can talk to in times of weakness (and to be there for others during their times of weakness) for the rest of our lives because we are addicted. If you have such a group/rav/friend, great, but if not, I believe that you do need GYE and shouldn't disconnect (or feel bad to return).

Just my 2 cents.

greatly appreciated..... i know you're right.

in the days to follow, i have fallen much more than i would have expected given my clean streak.

the pressure upon me is almost lifted....i shouldn't be around computers alone for a while also which should be helpful.

scared to see myself in these dark days. curious as to what will become of me / what will i make of myself. temporarily tired, drained, lonely,stripped of my essence, dreams shattered, not a care to fight, forgetting quickly why i wanted to get better and what i'm fighting for.

i truly wonder if i don't care about my life. i must not love myself enough because i'm not sure i care about myself.

a self-less life is the only pleasurable one i know - and this is certainly not it. but is that the life i should seek out for myself? is that attainable? is that going to fuel my existance the way i want it to or need i first love myself and then love others afterward....

rambling at 320am does weird things

k, danced it off temp.

Confy

By the fact u still yearn it
Means you want it

If u want it bad enuff

You will get it

Surrender(lotsa ppl here can explain that better than me)

Turn around on a dime

Just walk away from it


It sounds wacky

But it can be done

I have confidence in confidence and confidence has confidence in...
Me

(Sound of music nuuu bards past nisht)