I had a long clean streak and then fell and have been falling.

I really did not want to share this publicly but I forced myself because I know it is the best thing.

I am embarrassed that I have been on this site over a year and sometimes even give good advice to my fellow stragglers but can't seem to hold a long clean streak myself. I know so much about this but don't seem to apply it to myself.

At the moment I am someplace with two computers. One unfiltered and one filtered. It is not practical to try and get a filter on it but I can at last stay off it and yet I don't. At times like these I wonder about myself.

I have no eitza to get myself to act mildly rational but I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Dear Holy Yid,

I can totally empathise with your predicament. i went through something very similar myself and a large part of the problem was that because of my "record" I had become too proud to ask for help. Eventually in desperation i emailed Guard the following:

Dear Guard,
I am writing to you something which is very difficult for me, but I know that I have to.
A while ago I started falling after I had been clean for a significant period. Since then things have become worse to the point that I am back to where I was when I joined GYE.
I tried picking myself up in many ways. Initially I tried to restart the 90 days but after a few falls I lost heart. I strengthened my filters. I made contact with a partner and I wrote to Dov a number of times.
Unfortunately, nothing has helped and I am not sure where to turn.
I think that part of my problem in picking myself up is that I was embarrassed to post on the forum. This is because I felt that I had built up a "reputation" and once I had fallen a few times I could not bring myself to post anymore. 
I am ashamed of this, but I think it is somewhat of a normal reaction.
I must return to the days of "Guard" and "Ovadia" when Guard was the saviour and I clutched at every straw.
I forced myself to write this to you even though it is embarrassing. I leave you to draw your own conclusions and if possible to provide me with some guidance.
As always i thank you for your concern, and for being the shliach of Clal Yisroel.
Ovadia

to which he responded:

This is not unusual. Once an addict, always an addict. And unless there are serious inner changes, it is very hard to stay clean for the long term. I don't know what to suggest at this point other than what Dov always says and what Rabbi Twerski has always been saying "if we want to get rid of a cancer, we have to be ready to go to all lengths" and join a live SA group.

Needless to say i was relieved and a felt that a huge weight had been lifted from my heart.

I called an SA member but it never materialised, but soon after I started a thread "another day" in which I make it a point to post everyday the messages I am trying to internalise. I have also received a lot of chizuk. I think that at least as a jumpstart it has worked.

I hope this will give you some ideas and more importantly help you realise that even in round two you are not the only one.

Chazak Ve'ematz

Ovadia

Thank you. I will post more later BE"H

Duvid Chaim/Steve's 12 Step Group Phone Calls may be a very good substitute for those that cannot get to a 'live' group. It may be a good addition to those that do go to  a 'live' group. It may be even better than a 'live' group for those that don't want to show their face in a 'live' group.

It is part of the GYE Family of Recovery Tools, so you will meet there the same type of nice guys that you meet over here! 

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 04 Oct 2010 20:30:


I would join but the timing does not work out for me. I often join Elya's call but that is only once a week an not as goal oriented.

Dear Holy Yid,

You write that you are not applying the skills that you have learned about dealing with the nisayon.

Do you mean that you know which skills or practices would work with you, but you aren't using them?

Or do you mean that you really don't know what would work for you at this point?

world wrote on 05 Oct 2010 00:12:


Good question.

If I would be more self aware I would be much better equipped to deal with this and I would be doing allot better. I could be more self aware by staying in touch in real ways with the crew and sharing more of my struggle.

I would think about posting often but it my experience is that unless the author is dramatic or has a real sad story it is hard to keep the crew's interest and they stop posting. (I guess other people's p*** gets boring after a while)

To get off topic I suggest we form groups to follow each others posts or have mini forums.

I also have certain fences which I know would save me but they inconvenience my life allot and when I feel ok I often will break them ( I am right now on a computer without a filter).

Being accountable to someone would help me allot. I recently singed up for a phone partner and I plan to get back on tract with Elya's calls.

These are small steps and I hope I made things a bit more clear. Please ask more. This post was very helpful for me.

Holy Yid wrote on 05 Oct 2010 01:31:

Right on the mark again. I had/have the same feeling, but I decided that ultimately I am posting for myself and not to keep the interest of the crew. So there are days on which I post with none or hardly any responses but it keeps me in touch.

So post every day even it is the same boring thing each day. At least it is better than an "exciting" fall.

ovadia wrote on 05 Oct 2010 09:15:


However part of posting is the accountability and if I think no one will ever see it I don't feel very accountable. Also in such cases posting does not help my journey as I am not sharing with anyone.

I am on GYE for 3/4 of a year & this a recurring theme! 

A few guys have left GYE/abandoned their threads due to feeling ignored!!!  >  >

Many ppl told me in private PMs that they get this feeling.


Anyone who can come up with good ideas on how to combat this will definitely be accomplishing something GREAT!!!

Idea 1- make small groups who commit to posting on each others threads

Idea 2- make mini threads

another idea,
make a category - like Break Free, Wall Of Honor etc. - called accountability threads, with the express purpose of daily updates by the author and input by others

general good idea, (talking to myself as well)
be a friend to others and look around for a lagging thread and post something or even send a PM to see how things are going

accountability groups have conditions that many people have a have a hard time meeting at the moment. We could start groups that don't have those conditions.

Also some number of the crew is in Yeshiva and only have access on weekends or bain hazemanim. So we should make special weekend groups or bain hazemanim groups.

wait WAIT  WAAAATTTTTEEEE!


This is TOO IMPORTANT


someone please start up a new topic to discuss solutions for this problem.

It needs a subject name that will screAM OUT and get ATTENTION!!!

something like  AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!  i'M feeling ignored!!!!

I mean this seriously.  let's do it!