Hi I'm a bochur in yeshiva. I discovered p**n and ma****on at the age of eleven. At first I didn't realize that it was such a bad thing. But as I started getting older and learning more I realized how bad it was. I then tried to stop but by then it was to late I was already hooked on. When I went to yeshiva for mesivta and yeshiva gedola (which is were I am now)I was mostly able to control myself. The problem was vacation. always when I went home I would have a fall. Sometimes it was horrible. Always b4 I would go home I would make a hachlata that nothing bad would happen and for the first days I was able to control myself (wasn't alone when I used the computer.....) But then always I fell. Now wt summer vacation coming up I want to truly end this addiction for good. Any tips on how to carry on my hachlatas and remain clean when I'm home?

i am in same boat, how about a filter on the computer? You know- they work.

Welcome! I would recommend, first of all, posting here a bit - opening up, discussing things. You should also check out the handbooks.

And finally - plan ahead. You already know that you're going to be tempted. So, instead of saying, "I won't let it happen this time," make a real plan. Figure out what you're going to do differently when you're faced with temptation. And then come back, and tell us how it worked, and what you think you can do to improve it and make sure you stay standing!

You can also sign up for the wall of honor, which helps you keep track of your days clean. That way, you can feel the victory of each day!

Glad to have you with us!

Dear onetimetoomany,

I am the admin of this forum. Welcome to our community!

Please see the section called "Bein Hazmanim" in tool #3 of the GYE handbook (linked below).

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here...

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best - and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"... See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information...

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week... This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps - which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc... So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not...

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

May Hashem be with you!

I have tried a filter on the computer but somehow I always get around it. Or sometimes I just borrow a friends computer. ill see ill download the filter from here and send my password to the filter guard.

A filter isn't going to solve your problem. However, it can give you a little space so that you can work on yourself and take care of whatever issues you need to without TOO much distraction.

From another perspective, you can use it as part of your plan - but it's not going to be a plan all by itself.

Hi onetime,

I was/am in a similar situation than you are. We need to help each other in order to help ourselves. Why not PM me or we can gchat. My email is Yiddle2@gmail.com

I hope to hear from you!

-Yiddle

If you really believe you are physically hooked you can't beat the "nazir" method. It worked for me. I can provide details.

What is the nazir method? Also one thing that I noticed is always after I succum to my taivos the right after I'm full of regret and say that I won't do it again. But then when the next time comes around I fall even easier than the first time until I have no heart left to fight. y can't tmake that my resolve should stand firm and say "enough is enough"?

(Re-posted from another forum.)

The way I think is in terms of theories. If you understand how it works then you can make a sound strategy. I believe that a sex addict can be modeled effectively almost as a person with multiple personalities. Usually he believes he is a tzadik, and he feels bad about his "bad habit." When he is staring at an erva and sinning, he continuously chooses to keep doing it. Nobody is forcing him to do it, so you have to conclude that he chooses it over and over. That is a rasha, not a tzadik. He is a rasha who wishes he were a tzadik. Understanding that the same person is both a tzadik and a rasha, and not a victim, is the key to moving on.

The brain has separate pathways that support those two personalities. You need to keep your thoughts off the bad pathways long enough to build new ones to replace the ones that you don't want. For example, I used to sin when I was stressed out at work. You cannot choose your way out of that behavior. You need help.

Help for me came in the form of a neder. I realized that the entry point into my rasha brain was the initial lude thought, the second look at a woman, etc. While I had on my tzadik personality I made a neder that I would do teshuva for the thought, and I would do it asap (usually for teshuva there is time, but not for sex addicts.) Over several years this starved the rasha's brain and gave a chance to the tzadik to build acceptable reactions and behaviors. Today I do not have the same impulses I used to have.

If you go this way I would suggest making it a short neder first to try it out, and if it works for you then when it expires you can make a new one. Importantly, your yetzer ha-ra (your thoughts!) will increase, but the neder will also give you the ability to fulfill it. Don't forget to allow for times that you are not allowed to speak, such as davening and any other time the halacha requires you to be quiet. Be careful because if you don't confess asap you may see repercussions. My kids got a broken bone and a third-degree burn, which brought me back to reality when I was really aroused for my wife and she had no intention of having relations. When the neder expires the nazir has to bring a korban, because he is "going down." For you this will express itself as some kind of punishment. Mine was utterly horrible, but we made it.

If you can find a less harsh way around the problem, use that instead. Be matzliach.

Yeah but I don't always feel the power of the neder. Sure at the time when we make the neder we fill besimcha and wt hope but then alowly my mind starts to collapse. Ex= first day of past pesach vac, all good I learnt played sports busy the whole day. I was like that for 5 days. On the 5th day I just saw a little bit and right away I turned it off. But then on motzei shabbos I saw a little bit more till then already after pesach I didn't really have my yetzer tov saying any more "stop, its not worth it to ruin ur neshomo for a temporary taiva." So that's the problem even if I make a neder I'm afraid that over time my resolve would weaken......
P.s 4 days clean so far (it helps a lot that I'm in yeshiva.)

What you're talking about is completely normal - right after we fall, we feel terrible, full of regret, we promise we'll never do it again. We know people who have literally thrown their computers out the window, they're so upset.

But sudden emotional inspiration wears off. The key is slow, steady work. And coming here is a great first step. Reading the handbooks can give you a lot of tools, and most importantly, working one day at a time.

Also, posting about the struggles you have can help you face them in a better way, as well as giving you feedback from other people who are facing this. I think that once you give yourself a chance to enjoy being clean, you'll have that great feeling to help you, too.

As I mentioned before, I know that for me, making a plan works. I imagine myself being faced with a test, and then I imagine myself just getting up and walking out of the room. I do that several times, so that when a test cmes, my natural reaction is to just walk away.

I have to say that it is truly incredible that you've come here to work on this issue - I hope you give yourself credit for that!

onetimetomany wrote on 21 Apr 2010 07:51:


It's because you are not keeping it. You take longer and longer to confess the thoughts and it's too late. You are not on your toes. Arousal can build up over days. Daven that Hashem should remind you. Then you are not going to have any problems. After that, get ready for some rude awakenings.

But what amazes me is that 2 months of work can be destroyed in a couple of days. Its weird bc in yeshiva I don't usually have a problem (bc not my own comp...... Learning all day) but then when I go home suddenly its like the 2 months roll up into one day and always no matter how much I prepare I fall. What I need is like a preset list of conditions which I won't cross (like not bringing the compter alone to my room......) If anyone know any good ways then plzzzz help me.      P.s what's the general opinions about tv shows and movies?

onetimetomany wrote on 23 Apr 2010 09:28:


Please see the section called "Bein Hazmanim" in tool #3 of the GYE handbook (linked above).

And see this page and this page for safe and reliable ways to make vows that really WORK!  :D

onetimetomany wrote on 23 Apr 2010 09:28:


Please see the section called "Guarding our eyes off-line" in tool #2 of the GYE handbook (linked above), and press the links in there as well