Hi

B'H I managed to get to 69 days clean. However, yesterday I fell and broke the momentum. The truth is that I 'only' had a minor fall but once I had broken the count I found it much harder to resist. I am embarassed to say that I fell again quite badly a couple of times since.

I am desperate to stay clean but cannot seem to get going again. I certainly don't want to fall further and lose everything I achieved over the 69 days.

Please give me Chizuk. I really want to go into Pesach clean and count my clean days alongside the Omer to reach 50 days (Level 5) by Shavuos.

Wishing you all a Good Yomtov and I sincerely hope that everyone will reach their personal freedom from this fight.

Giboir

Funny, I just fell myself at day 69. Just a few days back. My first time up the chart, so my first fall.

I had hoped the fall would relieve my feelings of things being so heavy and burdensome.  I was mistaken.

I do know, though, that simply the DESIRE to get out of the rut, even though I'm not really feeling any real MOTIVATION to, is giving me some hope in some strange way.  I'm counting again, although I don't really have the brenn for it that I figured I might. But while I'm waiting for the brenn, I'm counting.

This probably isn't really chizuk, and I apologize. But at least it's comiseration from someone in the same boat. Maybe that helps a little.  Feel free to PM with details of what might be helpful from someone like me.

Thanks.

Falling is part of the process.  Don't beat yourself up about it.  What did you learn from this fall?  What boundary do you have to set that you didn't have
before?  What is going on in your life which is causing you to feel discontent, annoyed, fearful, lonely, angry.  The acting out takes place long after one
or more of these feelings begin to surface.  Until you can come to grips with it, it will still come back to haunt you.

Don't look at 49 days till Shavuos.  That's a long time.  Just take it each day, 1 day at a time, and say today I'm not going to get on the computer,
today I'm not going to lust, today I'm going to spend my precious time doing something good for me - start a hobby - go for a walk alone with no
cell phone, headphones, PDA - nothing but your inner child. Read the handbook every day, yes every day, even on Chol Hamoed.  Daven and ask
Hashem to show you how to stay sober and get back on track.  Become a pure vessel and G-d will fill you up with his blessings. 

This is a disease of connection to a higher spiritual place.  A filling up of a wounded hole in our soul.  And we fill it up with the numbing power
of a drug so strong we cannot stop except to do it again.  You have a choice to make?  Are you willing or not really?  Think about it.  Do you really want to give it up?

There is an expression that you do not put your jewels and your garbage in the same place at home.  Why do we put them in the same place in our hearts and minds?
I love that thought.  Elya

That sounds as if you were terribly aroused and finally gave in (though after sticking it out for a reaaaally long time ..)

Is that the case?

Elya wrote on 29 Mar 2010 02:17:


I always hear about coming to grips with your pain, past, anger, loneliness....
For someone that's been there... How does one come to grips with these things...

When I felt terribly pained by certain things i was advised to let it run its course... but It wouldn't leave... I began believing that simply acknowledging experiencing my pain wont make it go away...

what can you say re this?

don't have time to post long but I've been there, long steak(138 & 45) and fall and I FEEL FOR YOU!

Hey Giboir,

Think about all the things you worked so hard to achieve in those 69 clean days. Remember how good you felt, knowing that with every day that passed you moved forward with ever increasing strength, joy and confidence.

Why wouldn't you want to feel like that all the time? You have to ask yourself whether the YH's tricks and bait are worthwhile or not. They may make you feel on top of the world for a moment, but ultimately you know they take us away from the goals and objectives we are all striving to achieve.

I know that the most difficlt period after a fall is the first couple of weeks when you are trying to pick yourself up again. The trouble with things like masturbation is they sap you of the will to do Mitzvos. That's why we can't always rely on our conscience and our feelings (if they have been temporarily dulled and numbed), but instead use our intellect and reason to propel ourselves forwards. It's not as satisfying granted, but in not time at all the motivation will return once you start moving upwards with gusto again.

Good luck and KUTGW.

Keep on trucking,

DL 

Wow - you were clean for a really long time! And remember, that's not gone. It'll never disappear, the work you've done is there forever! When we fall, it can be hard to get up again, but realize that with hashem's help, you can do it. Any thoughts otherwise are just the y"h trying to convince you otherwise.

Have a great pesach, full of freedom and happiness!

Tzadik Giboir Yesod Olam

Tzadik Giboir Yesod Olam
Pesach is a great time to start again there are certain powers in the yomtov that lend an especial; siyata dismaya in our struggle.

with tremendous respect and warmest wishes

Noorah