I made it from a few days before rosh chodesh ELUL to a couple days into PESACH Bein Hazmanim!!!! 


The same lashon I used when discovering this lifeline I can Bechadei Hashem use after SEVEN strait months of not  once giving into my tayvas Nashim. That means no Hotza'as zera, or Makshe Atzmo Lada'as, or Hirhurai Aveira....and althopuhg it wasn't on the cheshbon, no histaklus lehanaah. I was shomer einayimon the streets, during conversations (eventualy talking to the wall becomes natural). it was great!!!!!

And it wasn't easy- i would like to type up the handwritten acount I have of it when I get the chance. I had over 789 Nisyosos (i.e. hirgurai aveira that I had to supress). But Haba Letaheir mesaiyin lo, and I overcame then one at a time. At first I averaged 48 a week! that's 7 a day, every day! But Baruch hashem in the lasts weeks it went down to 20 a week...and then down to 15ish.

Letza'ari I messed up on the flight back, even though there was a way for me to have held up, and Hakadoshbaruch hu gave me the oppertunity. From that messup aveira goreres avaeira. And although I haven't let myself fall to all-out p-------y, looking at untzius pictures online is realy the same aveira. I am still looking for the chizuk that will pull me back into the fight...and to outshine my old record, but untill then It's hard to fight my yetzer hara without and drive to do so.

Just wanted to check in, and I would also like to take the time to retyoe the story...so that others may have some chizukl


PS Please!! Don't guadge your progress by mione. Since my teva is that my habbit was formed from pure and utter depression. and bechasdei hashem my life has fully turned around, and in place of that suffering I now have menuchas hanefesh and a simchas hachayim.   So on the technical level, I don't have much pushing me other than the mental urg to reexperience the pleasure.
Additionaly, I paid notive to the little enjoyment I hget from the sin, and relised that shnayim Mikra vechad targum give me the sam hana'ah as hirhurai aveira. And learning bekius (gemara rashi) at a [very] fast pace gives me more hana'ah than hashchatas zera. And  coming up with a good chidush in iyun is more fun than surfing the slums of the web.So technicly I have more fun learning than surfing the web.
Additionaly, by nature, when I am driven nothing will deter me. For good and bad. and when I started my teshuva, I was driven by a force more powerfull than I ever felt in my life, shame/humiliation/and the desire to prove myself to my rebbe (who previosly veiwed me in high regard...and will hopefully veiw me even bette when I get back "on a roll")

Hashem had much Nachas Ruach from your spiritual success of 218 days, but he wanted you to take it to the next level and therefore gave you these pitfalls, even though he knew you would fall. What makes a person great is his ability to get back up, despite all his falls. And I strongly believe, along with everyone here, that with some determination you will come out of this with a much closer Kesher to Hashem than you had, even back then when you were doing great.

The problem is that for the longer part of that stretch I lost the drive. I poshut had no interest in continuing...no fulfillment. When I got past the 700 Hirhurim mark I didn't have the slightest urge to supress the yetzer hara....I needed chizuk. And I think that's what made me fall so fast. What I realy need is ssome strong chizuk, and additionaly a framework of chizuk.
On one hand I know that I am shoer einayim better than everyone in my yeshiva ..and even better than my rosh yeshiva (-edited for the sake of anonymity)-that incidentaly is the only chizuk I get. But apparently that doesn't pull me through.

As you can see, I have the FULL ability to choose the tzad Hatov, but I just need the push to do so.....Help Me!

Someone Help me.  I need some serious chizuk to get me by for the next 12 months!!!! I don't have a private phone to join the hotline, nor internet acces (although that is a huge plus) I need some help by tomorrow. Please someone throw me a lifeline and 'help me understand' how I can't go into shiduchim unless i kick this. how I'm goin to destroy a girl's life, my life, etc.  Shame got me 218 days strait...and it's only that shame that will help me pull through for a lifetime.      (i can be makabeil musar very well, don't  dress-up your words, give it to me strait...please!!!!!!)

Please check your e-mail... I am sending you something that I have never sent anyone else yet... It is not fully ready yet, but since you are leaving now I have no choice but to make do with what we have so far. Please print it out before you leave and use it in Yeshiva as your guide.

When it is more ready I will share it with everyone IY"H.

I would like to advise you to get professional help.  You spoke about your fears of getting married.  I would like to advise you to solve this now, before getting married.  Marriage compounds the problem even more when the guilt factor multiplies.  And addiction feeds off guilt, as crazy as that sounds.  So the issue can begin to escalate.  The self esteem issue gets bigger and the viscous cycle is set into motion.  By getting professional help and/or 12 steps you will feel better that you are actually doing something about it.  Take the time now and think this over.  Remind yourself how much you want to change.  How much you want to separate from this addiction. And remind yourself that the easiest method is getting help.  I will echo what Guard has told someone else, "Believe me, you don't want to go down the path of addiction. It's pain, pain and more pain, until life becomes unmanageable. We can help you at that stage too, but we don't want you getting there.".
Now that you are a bachur, it is much easier to get professional help without affecting other people's lives. You can do this in an inconspicuous manner.
Getting professional help will help you hit the root.  You will go beyond the mere problem of not acting out.  You will uncover the character traits, emotions and perspectives on life that cause you hindrances.  And you will learn how to correct them. This takes time, patience and a good guide.  Now is the opportunity.  If you wait, the addiction has the strong potential to increase. 

Ykv_schwartz wrote on 20 Apr 2009 11:01:


I assume you meant to say "in an inconspicuous manner". Is that correct?

thanks ano.

About professional help. Iv'e gotten it in other areas, and 'completed/graduated' it B"H.  I've come a long way in my life, and have an unusaul koach to control my emotions and mind (the only way to survive what I ent thrugh was to either have ever thickening skin -which I don't- or be able to controll what emotions i will and will not feel).      I don't want to go into it too much, but Hkb'h gave me the ability to kick this too, as you see from the last 7 months. I did contact my shrink about this, in addition to my rebbe, but due to the sensitive nature of this (i.e. my shame) I want to do everything i can by myself for now.    But rest assured that I will only enter shidduchim with the green  light of my 'professional help' (who has experience in these addictions), and of course my rebbe.

but please, keep the chisuk coming!!!   
and the Mod's post from R Chaim kanievski, although i thought nothing of it when I read it, turned into being the most powerfull tool yet. I realised that from back in the day that I started to be shomer enayim (aside for the net obviosly) I have always had boundless siyata dishmaya. when my family was tight on money, I neve was, because all my needs where alays met bountifuly (and my savings allowed for the few luxury expences that I needed). Kal Vechomer (ben bno shel kal vachomer) to be shomer habrit in addition to complete shmirat einayim, when I saw unusualy fast growth in my learning.       now I am baruhr, that the zchus of waging a total and complete battle with my tayvas nashim will show peiros and syata dishmaya, just like all the pretim of it do.  Thanx mod (and for this site too).

"shemirateinayim" means this PM I sent him:

R' Chaim Kanievsky points out in his the first volume of Krayna D'igrisah that anyone who keeps away from these forbidden pleasure is promised to receive the pleasures of life from other areas instead. Is there anything you are waiting for in your life? It's on the way as soon as you make progress in this area. Try it and see for yourself, the top spot of the wall of honor is waiting for your name.