parev wrote on 28 Jul 2024 14:03:

did you ever try an accountability partner?
or the BOTG?

Friend Parev, here’s a warm hand. 

I think this is such an important question. Those of us who feel our emotions strongly, who hold ourselves to a high level, have hard time when we let ourselves down. And sometimes the ugh feeling that we get when we do feel bad about something, makes us feel the need to escape the pain of life. 

Figuring out how to deal with such feelings is so valuable and powerful. 

I think that it can help to work on realizing that Hashem only wants us to take responsibility to control what I can do today. The mistakes of the past are not my control today. Neither are other’s actions, issues, and mistakes. Trying to figure out how to be self-contained a little, can help a lot. There are sometimes patterns of thinking that make us want to take responsibility and feel broken by outcomes and actions which were not in our control. Realizing how those thought patterns are hurting, not helping us , can make a real difference. Hashem gives each of us a mission in the moment. Finding what it is and what it’s not can maybe help. 

some of what helped me….

Also, It might help to read a great book called Feeling Good by Dr. Burns. There are a lot of valuable ideas that can help a lot. 

Here’s a hug, 
Chaim 

You can try to learn some shaar habitochon, it really helped me in a big way with these types of things. You learn how to surrender yourself to hashem (sound familiar?) and that everything is ultimately in his hands. We can do nothing without him and everything he does is for the good. When I start thinking like that, the problem that got me all stressed out is usually replaced with "it's ok, it will all work out, hashem has a plan and just like he never left me stranded until now so too he will not leave me stranded now".

Wishing you much Hatzlacha and davening for you that the tickets work out.
Keep on going were all rootin for ya!

Parev
I am not sure if I am qualified to give you advice here, but I can only second the comments from Markz.

You need to be in charge of your life and what you need to do for your entire family. (That includes your wife, I assume you are attempting to support her also)

Do not leave her out of the conversation. Feel yourself that this is the right thing to do and go ahead with it, but be strong and tell her about it before. Being strong includes knowing yourself that this is what you need to do now. Being strong includes telling her (not asking her) what you need to do and how this is the correct thing to do.

I have been in similar situations before, and I know how it feels to feel trapped by your wife and that you cannot do what is correct because of it even though you know it is correct and you have discussed it with your Daas Torah.
You will feel better when you take charge of the situation and include her in the discussion, not as asking her and letting her run the story, but as a partner in what you are doing, with you being in charge.

138eagle wrote on 28 Jul 2024 22:32:

Well said !

I should start out with praise for Parev. You seem to be making major changes in your life, in this challenge journey.

I beg to differ. I have a feeling, with only knowing a few bits of details from this thread, that you are not there yet. You can not deal with your wife "like a boss". You need to clean up your act.Sorry in advance if my words are way off base. I have yet to speak to you, to get to know the good side of you, to see you with more respect. Not have we heard your wife's side of the story of your life with her.

But maybe you also can't see what is happening, from an outside perspective.

parev wrote on 28 Jul 2024 00:16:

OK [Reminder - comment to your heart's content - I am writing to journal ותו לא]
The Rabbi from Mir is involved - a bit cringe - I'm still in limbo about that [There is a whole side bar to the story that I can't share here so - wa'ever]
Told the wife, she said I don't care how much money you bring home if you end up learning less [its a chinuch related position] its a big disappointment ...
To her credit she tried to accept to do what's best for me, but didn't get the encouragement and admiration/support that would have been nice.
She knows she struggles in this area and is very different to me in this whole parsha - so my job is to not let it get me down, appreciate the good in her take her preferences into account but not let it squash me. I also need to remind myself that she isn't disappointed in ME rather she has preconceived [unrealistic if I may add] notions how her life would look like and she can't see out that box. 
It could be that other people can fit her dreams, but the fact is that its not me [and TBH that's why she likes me too...] and although its  nice to get affirmation and support I can't let myself depend on it - coz that's what brought me to lust.
I am grateful for the opportunities that Hashem presents to me and will do my best to do the next right thing.
Part of the issue is that deep inside I know that if I would be in a totally good place - I would be shtieging away and wouldn't have even considered this offer...

Anyhow its still in the early stage as exact job definition and hours are still to be decided and that can all be a big game changer on mutiple fronts.
I did feel a bit distanced from wife ladst night and thats why Im sharing today! 

Service keeps us sober,
BH the people that reached out are reminders for me of the pain and the solution - getting out of myself does wonders.
I am in a much better place then I have been in a long while BH!

Mini Victory, but feel guilty about it:
My wife had complaints about the kids schools
I didn't necessarily see things the same way, but TBH was a little bit indifferent due to being preoccupied [was a while back could be lusting - don't remember]
On a date she mentioned that she would like me to be more together with her on this issue, to that end I sat with the Menahel etc.
Although perhaps not perfectly happy I am complacent with the current state of affairs.
She is still very bothered [and in my opinion taking things to an extreme - "maybe we should move" - like to the grouchery??] and is blaming my complacency to laziness or busyness [in her opinion - on less important things]
I held my ground [and this is the victory] and told her that I have made a decision that things are ok for the next year and we can reassess along the way for another year.
I told her that she can feel free to ask her own shaala and helped her phrase it, I even agreed to go to the Rabbi together, but I made it clear that it is HER shaala. I told her that she can even mention to the rabbi that her husband [in her opinion] is shirking his responsibilities, and ask his intervention to get me more involved.
I HATE DOING THAT.
It makes me feel distant from her that we are on different planets.
But it is also liberating not to let her feelings run the show - as I would have previously, and gone along with her against my want.

Hey, really cool thread!

First off, a hergesh. Your 'nekudas habechira' seems much broader than a lot of the guys here. I mean ranging from sleeping around to being marbitz torah/learning in kollel. You must be pretty geshmak in person to have those strong emotions within you.

Second, just noting that your wife seems inconsistent. A desire to have you join her in mixed swimming would seem to go hand in hand with a more materialistic lifestyle. Yet she's encouraging you to stay in learning.

Dearest husband,
I'm sorry that I'm writin' here publicly on a forum, but as you wrote to me here, I felt that it's only appropriate if I respond here as well. Please know that I love you dearly. 
While I don't know all of your past history and all its gory details; I do know some and the parts that I don't know I think the worst at times.
Where have you been? Who have you been with? When you're with me, are you thinkin' about some other body?
It's wrong of me, but I'm human. 

how many nights did i cry rivers of tears,
while you were out all night, being "מסדר קידושין" for תלמידות 

I cried out, shema kolainu................... as you cried out 'fukdeinu bo livrachah.

i am NOT the cause for your lust, your lust may be the cause for my distance!

its very hard for me to support you in your acceptance for a new shtella,
when your masquerading around for as long as i know you,

 i think its time to stop pointing fingers, 

I beg of you, i love you so much, i really respect and care for you, but the time has come, to come clean to me,
i will work with you and support you through this journey
you are a hero, you are strong, you are sexy,
lets do this and have the best life ever,
good times are ahead,
love
פייגי 

cande wrote on 31 Jul 2024 17:08:

@ Cande, it's not nice of you to tell everyone her name

Pardon me for repeating. 

IMHO, even though you are doing some great work in your life and in becoming someone worthy of the title husband, you have miles to go, in fixing yourself. You have no right to stand up to her and lord yourself over her. 

I'm sorry I can't think of a nicer way to say this. You seem to not be self aware. אין רואה נגעי עצמו...

So you think you need to stand up for yourself, to her, be assertive etc.

Are you not aware of how you are hurting her now?

Odaat!

I love it when people think they know me, my wife, the whole picture and the right perspective from a few posts on gye, posts that are written as a personal journal. 
It used to bother me, now I just find it funny.
Thanks for letting me share!

If that is what you need to do for your recovery, ignore my message, don't respond to my points, enjoy it.

As I wrote, "I have a feeling, with only knowing a few bits of details from this thread..."

Journaling is great! Hatzlacha!