Hi Parev
Seeing that you have the gift of desperation lets maximise and really work the steps this time, 
Remember it's just for today, and one day at a time, However We need to take our medication EVERY day.
The disease is not curable but it is manageable if you take your anti meds every day, missing even one day can be dangerous.
Step Zero: Stop practicing the compulsion, get rid of hidden bottles - to not turn on smartphone bshum oifan - find someone to give it to
Every Bien Hasdorim 15 mins of step work lminihem
Every night Checking in here
At least 2 meetings a week
Have someone to check in and be brutally honest with every day, make a fixed time yehorag vaal yaavor time to call.
Abstinence for two weeks then test for STI
No checking news sites between 12 am, and after shacharis 
The way we work the steps: 1-3 each day 1 step, as thoroughly as possible [reading big and white book writing etc (at least 45 minutes of time)]
Step 4 to be started IYH on Sunday - YAY! [Speak to AJ or Dov if necessary]
Will be asking you tomorrow for updates on the above list

Hey, so sorry about what is happening to you, but it sounds like you are trying to utilize what is happening to grow.

I think 2 in your list is wrong. A. How can you know that you will feel exactly the same yuchy while staying sober. B. That is not the only reason to stay sober. So when if it would be true, you should still stay sober.

Maybe for some people staying sober would not make them feel better, but they still should start.

Hi Friend Parev,

It sounds very rough, and I'm sending you a warm hand...

Yeah, the red haze of lust is so many times a desperate attempt to manage the pain and that horrible "yuchy" feeling.... been there too...

It does get better. At least it did for me. I hope it does for you too.

Step 4 is hard. Youre a brave man. Keep trucking!

Chaimoigen

parev wrote on 17 Jun 2024 22:29:

Sorry to hear about your fall/relapse.

Can you elaborate on #2? Was that the addiction talking or is that how you actually feel?
Re: No. 8. Rabbeinu Dov is a ray of light in a dark world. Someone needs to get him either back on GYE or publishing a mussar sefer.
Re: Nos. 4 and 10. If you're lying, GYE ain't the place to stop lying. Because either you'll lie here too, or you'll tell the truth because it doesn't matter here. It's hard to tell the truth because you want to get on honest on an anonymous forum. 

Ok
[just to briefly respond to Choose My Shem - 2 יש לעיין however נוטה to real feeling and Dov commiserated with the feeling that it's not mufka (in SA our problem isn't the maturbation per say ועיין) 8 why are you wearing sunglasses all day? there is no Hekesh between 4 + 10, I lied to my sponsor in order to get him to help me get sober (not coz I was embarrassed etc.) - The path to hell is paved with good intentions.... 

Not fully surrendered, still trying to internalize that if I lust  i'll die. didn't turn on smartphone, but held it...didn't go to massage but called one...  did delete some phone numbers, did daven like a mentch [all the tefillos] did learn shtark first seder did start reading white book, did not watch news did mz"l not fully conscious and awake. tried to find someone to call regularly.

parev wrote on 18 Jun 2024 22:08:

WOW!!!
you are a hero!!!!
Hashem loves you!!
You are a hero!

Hey Parev just need to give a shout out to you. I've been following this thread a bit and I get such chizzuk just from the fact that you are not giving up. My matzif is very different then yours, I would not manage in your shoes (good thing Hashem made me a different shoe size). I look up to you and admire you, when I feel like I'm falling into darkness I will think of you and be like eh this is nothing! Look how you arent giving up!
THANX PAREV (although personally I'm more of a meat and potaters type of guy)

chosemyshem wrote on 18 Jun 2024 13:46:

Rabbeinu Dov - Already has a Chabura that isn't for the rov am

I very much had the same thought process as u by #2.
yes its painful but its sooooo worth it to be in pain for the short while to get yourself out of this septic tank (saying it nicely)  (I'm not out of the woods myself )

FFacts bad mood is a massvive trigger for me 

parev wrote on 17 Jun 2024 22:57:

How ya doin' Reb Parev? 

kay, been a chopy week...
kept my smartphone in the car - not a good idea....
acted out again [in person]...
went to a meeting and was honest
hopefully will keep up the willingness to do what it takes...
have ZERO cheshek for kollel tomorrow

Seems like our dear friend Parev has fallen of the face of the earth?

Ok
Tried to clock in here a couple of times, but had trouble with power supply or internet connection etc.
Had an interesting week, realizing that I am frustrated at home, but not willing to force my wife to change/go for help.
I am trying to protect her but at the same time feeling upset that i'm not getting what I want emotionally.
Currently I am really really sad zero cheshek to move on in life
To that end through social media I connected with a frum lady, we really hit off speaking a couple of times a day, and my need to act out diminished. 
I am yearning for someone to 'get me' and understand me want me and show interest in me.
I'm being honest and please and feedback in DM's only.
We were ok with boundaries even ,limiting it just to phone-calls, obviously this was possibly betraying my wife even more then having sex with someone, but i am in desperation in search for connection.
Anyway tonight she broke off [her husband let her from the start but over shabbos changed his mind, (I don't blame him...)]
I am walking around in a daze
I feel that sobriety = suffering from loneliness upto a point of dysfunction
and acting out [even just shmoozing with girls] = suffering from guilt
Whats better of the two devils??
I don't have a solution for myself

You always were an inspiration to stand back up after a fall... 

It's painful to experience loneliness (aka 'get me'). 

Here's a warm hand on your side of the world.