. . Day 183. . . Fell(was not enjoyable one bit) . . Got up..fell again.., onwards with the journey hoping to learn from my mistakes.
Truth be told I could and should have seen this coming, a fall does not occur in a vacuum out of the blue rather its a process of the lust building up and slowly eroding the resolve and motivation to withstand. Starts with a peek here and there, a google search then on to short romance clips etc leading to the inevitable, the loss of zera in my case after half a year of abstaining!
My first take away from this experience going forward is to stop the lust in its tracks before it grows and takes over my mind body and soul, its possible to say no thank you at the start when he comes knocking on your door but at one point (could be days weeks or even months later in my case) it becomes impossible to refuse his lure once you have given him entry to your house. . Bedroom. . Bed. The crushing reality is that even though I wasnt physically occupied and involved with p and m for the past six months, by allowing myself to be controlled and enslaved by my lustful fantasies I was in essence still masturbating and watching porn.. albeit not physically. so it comes as no surprise that last night I just acted out my fantasies in a physical form.
Is there really a difference between the two? not sure!..
In truth it all boils down to lusting for the same garbage.
The bottom line is we are here not to stop P and M per say but rather to break free from the lusts control. Nevertheless I still feel advantaged having put a 6 months plus streak behind me (my longest ever by far), in that I was successful in curbing the urges to the degree that I didnt wind up watching porn or acting out. Moving forward I have a tough decision to make am I content to go the easier(/hard) short term way and allow the lust to creep in occasionally and then struggle with abstaining from p and m which means eventually il fall to one of them. Or take the harder(/easier) but long term option of breaking free from lust period which means locking him out of my house forever???!

What this means for me on a practical level is to stop watching ALL video clips or movies, and refrain from searching sexually related contet online, not to sleep with the computer in the room, not to lie on my front or to stimulate my eiver in anyway. Guard my eyes and thoughts, as well as to renew my Taphsik after making some changes, and finally to work on keeping up the motivation by posting on the forum or reading the e books on gye. 
If anyone can relate to this please give me some chizuk ,your opinions and advice garnered from your experiences will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks Guys

10 reminders why I want to stop lusting. . . . 

PROS: sweet enjoyable feeling, exciting, relives stress tension and boredom., satisfies urges. 
     
CONS:                                                  
1.Sick of leading a double life
2.leaves feelings of guilt, Depression, shame, embarrassment, uncleanliness , hypocrisy, cant look people in the eye     
3.scared of getting caught, ruining my marriage and life. ,
4.betraying my wife and kids
5.lack of selfcontrol, animalistic   
6.Angers G-D                                   
7.makes me in a grumpy snappy tired mood, hurts my stomach.      8.addictive and unhealthy behavior physically and spiritually.                      9.Takes over my mind/personality and controls me day and night  leaving little head space for important things                         
10.Time waster with no lasting benefits, doesnt solve any problems just exasperates them.