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war of many battles
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TOPIC: war of many battles 8967 Views

Re: war of many battles 13 Nov 2008 20:11 #833

  • jack
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very interesting.i used to think that my wife was also not interested.but it was the way i was going about it that she didn't like.once i started giving in to what she wanted, it was a little better. jack
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Re: war of many battles 16 Nov 2008 17:51 #843

  • battleworn
I'm sorry about the sudden cut-off

I am with my wife 2 or 3 times a month, but -in general- she is like a piece of ice during relations. For fifteen years I kept on trying to make her feel good. In answer to Jack's question: I tried everything, I always thought that there has to be some way to make her happy and I made it very clear to her that I want to do what she wants. But the feeling was always that she was doing me a favor and I could hardly live with that. It makes me feel like I'm with a zoina and worse, because as low as I have fallen I can't handle the thought of my marriage being defiled. (To me marriage is a very holy thing. For example, I can't imagine how someone can look [lustfully] at the kallah by a wedding.)

The reasons I was making her miserable are, firstly, she felt inadequate even though I almost never complained. Secondly, relations (and usually all physical contact) were stressful for her and she built up resentment. Thirdly, every time I told her that I love her, or showed love in any way and she couldn't reciprocate, she felt guilty. It all built up in her, while I didn't know anything about it. As far as I knew our relationship was great and I alone was suffering.

Back to were I left off. 
To be honest, I still have a hard time accepting that it's possible to fall so low after being so high. But in my mind I know that it's possible and it really happened to me. Make no mistake, the menuval didn't have an easy time. His old tricks were useless on me. (By the way, I forgot to mention before that it seems that the tears on the day of my wedding, wiped away about 95% [or more] of the garbage that had been stored in my brain.) First he arranged for stress to build up from many different angles. But even then he couldn't even suggest the old stuff. So he slowly got me to loosen up a little on shmiras einayim. I would look indignantly, at frum women in the street (although the styles 13 years ago weren't nearly as bad as today) and I would say to myself: "Here I am working so hard to be an ehrlicher yid and they're just parading around like that." (By the way, that was a big mistake; who's to say which nisayon is harder) The menuval tried to give me the feeling that everyone had deserted the battlefront and left stressed-out, depressed and battered me, all alone. I don't remember the exact details, but the bottom line is that eventually he broke me.

It hurts very hard to fall that badly, but I didn't give up. It was back to the ups and downs. The stress would build up until I would succumb and bye a p... mag. I would read it until I would masturbate and then throw it out. Sometimes I would save a telephone number from it and call from my house when my wife was sleeping. One time I made a kabala that I wouldn't buy p... for the next six months. After five months I couldn't control myself, so I went to a place to watch a video. (The hadracha on this site for making vows, is the perfect solution to this problem.) I actually have trouble believing that I did these things with my full beard and all.

The most dramatic change of my life (like many other people that I know) was, when I discovered R' Tzvi Meir Zilberberg Shlita. His clarity and complete understanding of what Hashem wants from us and also his complete understanding of the menuval's tricks, transformed me in to a new person. For a few years the menuval was left totally in the dust, but as we all know he never gives up. At this point the real challenges of life began. For example I started worrying about my children. When I saw one of my sons playing with his bris in his sleep (he was about 8 at the time, and I saw it twice a few days apart) I literally almost died from pain and worry that chas vesholom he will go through the hell that I went through. It was also then that my wife started saying things about are marriage that upset me very badly.(But in the beginning it was nothing compared to what happened in the last few years.) Still I had a whole lot more defense than I had had before. But there is no end to the menuvals arsenal (until Moshiach comes). So once again it was a new fight. I would hold out for long periods of many months or years, and then somehow he would get me again. It could be on a trip to the U.S. or when I had Internet access for a few minutes and I couldn't control my curiosity. [What I did was extremely reckless. I was by my friend sitting by his computer and he walked out for a few minutes. I did what I did and I didn't know that I need to delete the word in the search history and the browsing history. It's hard to imagine how he didn't catch on. (I have pretty sound proof that he didn't.) I think it was a ness.] Even when I fell I got back up fast even when I was feeling quite depressed.

About 5 years ago I really pulled myself together. I became very much in control of my life and very thought out. I was doing a program of working on self improvement that is very intense. My sedarim in learning were very solid and orderly. I wouldn't waste any time, I was always patient, I never got angry, there was no chance in the world of me saying a word of loshon horoh and obviously I was very very happy. It was impossible for the menuval to get me.

Then the impossible happened. I don't remember what started the stress, but I want to tell you what happened next. I remember that I was feeling stressed for about a week, when one night I walked in to the bathroom in shul and got the shock of my life. Let me first point out that I'm talking about an exclusively chareidi area. Somebody (presumably a young teenager from the heimishe yeshiva next door) had drawn a porn scene on the wall. I don't know about other people but I CANT LIVE WITH THAT. It simply drove me out of my mind. I can't handle the thought that any innocent boy could just happen upon something like that and there is no way to protect them. I know we can try to fortify them but that does not calm me down. This, by the way, is one of the main reasons that I hate the menuval so totally, so completely, so vehemently and so unforgivingly.
But as much as it broke my spirit, that deceitful obnoxious maniac still could not get me. After that it was one thing after another. I have to omit some of the major stuff, so I shouldn't be identified. Suffice it to say that there's been tons of pain, tons of turmoil and tons of worry. At the height of it all, I went away for a few days to try to get back to myself. When I came back, my wife informed me that life is better without me. (She did not at all mean that she was considering breaking up. She was just trying to say that I should change.) I know that a lot of people take such things more lightly, but I just cant. To me, my relationship with my wife (and my love for her) is a very central part of my life. I tried a few times to get an apology out of her, but she doesn't even understand what the problem is.

After a while of recuperating I began to concentrate very much on building her up. (By that time I understood most of what was bothering her.) I thought I was doing a great job, but then she dropped another bomb. (The fact that I don't remember exactly what she said, is a good sign.) I became such a total mess, that I was allmost powerless. It's important to realize that I had become very distant from acting out. I hadn't touched my bris in years. I don't get excited when from seing p... . But I became such a total wreck, that the menuval managed to blow up my curiosity about what is on the Internet. Over the next few months I visited an Internet  place a few times. I, Boruch Hashem, put a stop to that, but he still didn't give up. At a time that I would be feeling particularly week, and siting by my computer at work, suddenly I just needed to know all kinds of things. Like, how good is the censorship on picassa web albums. Or what happens if you search in images with this or that word with safe search on. The list goes on and on, so I'll spare you the rest. Of course, once I was heading in that direction one thing lead to another. Eventually I would get aroused and a couple of times I was even mz'l (without actually touching)

I still have a little more to fill in but I'm out of time now

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Re: war of many battles 16 Nov 2008 19:05 #844

  • the.guard
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Wow, the greater the person, the greater the Nisyonos. Only a person like you, who works so hard on themselves and is always looking for the truth with such sincerity, can Hashem trust with a wife who hates relations. Another person would have fallen perhaps beyond repair. And your story is the classic example of how Hashem keeps challenging his warriors. Each time you grew, he challenged you anew - taking you to yet greater heights!

You are a true battleworn soldier. The king has trusted you with the very front lines where the battle is the hardest. We salute GENERAL Battleworn.

I added the new parts to your story on our site.

BTW. When you describe the last 5 years before marriage as hell, do you mean because you had no control over the YH, or for other reasons?

Looking forward to the rest!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: 16 Nov 2008 20:31 by .

Re: war of many battles 17 Nov 2008 17:29 #846

  • Chasdei Avos
Battleworn:

My jaw is open wide reading about your struggles and accomplishments and set backs. There is no chance that I would stay sane in the area of arayos if I was only together with my wife so seldom. You are truly an eved Hashem and like Guard said, an excellent General in the front lines of this war.

Although not so extreme, my wife has no pleasure from.. either, except sometimes due solely to my enjoyment. That has been quite difficult for both of us. Does anyone have any suggestions regarding confidential means of trying to solve this issue? or just suggestions?

Chasdei Avos
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Re: war of many battles 17 Nov 2008 19:11 #849

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Dear Chasdei Avos,

Write me at eyes.guard@gmail.com. I have some things I want you to read that might help.


Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: 17 Nov 2008 19:20 by .

Re: war of many battles 18 Nov 2008 14:43 #850

  • battleworn
Thank you very much. Your words are really michazek me and I could always use that.

Yes, I mean because I felt like I have no control over that dirt bag.

...At that point my marriage was at it's worst state ever. About five and a half months ago, I tried making a strong detailed kabala to stay away from bad searches and bad sites. That helped for a very short time. Right about then, I had a meeting with my wife's therapist, (that she's been seeing the last few years). In the past, there had been a bit of a disagreement between the therapist and I (although we always got along very well and I always agreed to give everything a try). In this last meeting, everything seemed to become very clear. One the one hand, it felt good to really understand what I'm dealing with. But at the same time, it was a very hard pill for me to swallow. The next day the menuval grabbed the opportunity. He got really cunning and managed to get me to brake my kabala.

A few days later, I began to search for a website that helps with these things. First I googled "kedusha", but that didn't get me anywhere. But B"H I kept trying until I found GUE, the greatest site in the world. It was very exciting, although the forum -which is my favorite by far, wasn't up yet. By the way, there has been discussion here about a Torah source for the 12 steps. I want to say that I had never heard of the 12 steps before I discovered GUE. When I saw the 12 steps for the first time, there were no chidushim to me. I had learned it all over the many years of my battles, at least 90%, perhaps 100%, from Torah sources. [I also think the question is irrelevant, as others have pointed out.]

I should have subscribed to the email list right away, but I was lazy about figuring out how to set up a private email address. What I really was looking for and really needed was a forum. I followed a link to a different site that has a forum, but it was just not the right thing. The next time the disgraceful, despicable menuval started up, I decided that I had better take care of the email thing. So B"H I did it, and the first time I opened my mailbox I saw a link to the forum. I clicked on that link -bless that day- and pretty soon I was crying. To see my holy, precious, beloved brothers and fellow warriors joining together to fight back effectively and give each other support and chizuk, is by far the best therapy and the best chizuk I can ever hope for.

That was about 100 days ago, and since then the rules of the game have changed. Of course I know very well that I can never let my guard down. But I also know that I have won a new and different kind of battle, than ever before. Until now my main weapons were Torah, Tefilah and simcha (of course that's the way it should be). But Hashem wanted me to learn, how to stay clean even in the darkest times. I have hardly been able to learn during the last six months, even though normally I absolutely love learning. I have hardly been able to daven properly, and I feel like I forgot what simcha is. But bizchus GUE and all the fantastic chevra here I've learned to fight and win even without my weapons.

I deeply yearn for the day when my shmiras eynayim will be like it once was. And also, of course, my davening learning and everything else. But until then I promise not to give in to the menuval, come what may.

I hope I don't scare anyone with my story. Quite honestly, I don't think Hashem does this to most people. One thing everyone can learn from me, and from the menuval, is to never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever give up.

So that's my story (abridged version) and if you don't mind I have more to say, but not right now.
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Re: war of many battles 18 Nov 2008 15:35 #851

  • me
Dear Holy Battleworn Shlit"a:

You should know that several weeks ago, when the menuval (nemach Sh'mo) started up with me again after several months of menucha, I had actually thought of writing on this forum that I was considering to changing my name to battleworn, but that "I was concerned that "battleworn" would be upset with "ME" for taking his name.
   Anyway, the name belongs to you, and not "ME"!   You are the true warrior. As the admor had said: Hashem's most beloved soldiers are the one's who are wounded, bleeding and suffering, YET, they still get up a fight for Hashem's sake. They are not looking to be discharged to the infirmary, i.e. (to give up).
  You have done it and you are still doing it.

Please what ever comes, do not fall into the menuval's last tactic: i.e. look at what "you" did, (by listening to me), now you should really feel ashamed, and broken. How can you possibly reward yourself with feelings of happiness.
    DON'T ever fall for this last tactic. Am Yisroel...Ahh, we are such a happy nation, and as I had posted once before in the name of the shomer emunim Rebbe, "when the menuval comes and says to you, what do you have to be happy about...look at you, look at the matzav around you etc. We are to think how it was the Rashbi who taught in the Zohar, "Ivdu Es Hashem B'Simchah". And, the Rashbi lived right after the time of the churban. If anyone really had good reason to be broken, it was him....yet.....he taught us Ivdu Es Hashem B'Simchah.
   The menuval just doesn't know what to do with the simchah of a yiddesha neshama.  Ki B'Simchah T'Atzeiyuh
   
Last Edit: 18 Nov 2008 16:08 by .

Re: war of many battles 18 Nov 2008 15:41 #852

  • me
Dear Chasdei Avos:

  You may also write me in my mailbox. I may be able to assist.
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Re: war of many battles 18 Nov 2008 15:48 #853

  • battleworn
Thank you so much for you chizuk. Hashem should bless you (ME) and every single member of this forum with abundant simcha and strength. 
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Re: war of many battles 18 Nov 2008 16:15 #854

  • Chasdei Avos
thanks me.
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Re: war of many battles 18 Nov 2008 16:18 #855

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Battleworn, this last post was the most beautiful of them all!

I had to share it with everyone on today's Chizuk e-mail. Now I know why I was delayed sending out the chizuk this morning (in Israel).
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
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Re: war of many battles 18 Nov 2008 18:48 #856

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i read an ingenious little bit of advice from elya somewhere on this site - email #328..  anyway he said to watch out for everyday outbursts of anger or depression - which happen to everyone, these are what leads to sin.the deeper depressions, he says, need PROFESSIONAL help.but the little things that happen every day to every human being, are what we have to be on our guard for.when you are shaken a little by anger, or a little depression, that's when the yetzer hara has a chance at you.if you are stable, he can't get in.if you are happy, he can't get in. only at a time of sakkana, does he strike.i added a little of my own words, but the main idea was elya's - he did it again, he got right to the point. there are some very smart people on this site - listen to what they say! they want to help you! they care about you! when they go to sleep at night, they are thinking about the people on this forum. did you ever meet anybody like that before in your entire liffe?
today is day 77. jack
Last Edit: 18 Nov 2008 19:07 by .

Re: war of many battles 18 Nov 2008 20:05 #857

  • me
Just one additional warning:

  When we get happy, and we stay happy, then the menuval, (he never leaves us alone), will try to turn our happiness into Laitzanus...another aveira. Too much happiness will lead to silliness, in-appropiate jokes to some extent, etc. and this will all allow the menuval to get in again.
   The secret, or rather Hashem's rachamim which will  allow us to find the right balance is what we need.
Last Edit: 19 Nov 2008 07:30 by .

Re: war of many battles 18 Nov 2008 20:54 #858

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When you figure out the balance please let me know.
Elya K was the first  GYE hotline moderator for couples struggling with Shmiras Eiynaim issues in their marriage.  Elya is the author of 6 books, among them Navigating the Phases of Sex Addiction Recovery, Help Her Heal with Carol Sheets,  Ambushed by Betrayal: The Survival Guide for Betrayed Partners on their Heroes’ Journey to Healthy Intimacy with Michele Saffier. 


FREE EBOOK ON THE GYE SITE AT: Mask In the Mirror (guardyoureyes.com)

Elya K. has been coaching people worldwide for over 10 years for Shmiras Eiyanim issues. 
For a free 15 minute consultation call 901-248-6001.
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Re: war of many battles 18 Nov 2008 21:01 #859

  • jack
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elya also says that our thinking becomes clearer if we dont act out.i'm still waiting for this to happen.
balance is indeed a hard thing to find - that's why some people take the extreme road, because the middle cant be found. jack
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