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I can not believe i did it!
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.
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TOPIC: I can not believe i did it! 2327 Views

I can not believe i did it! 29 Jan 2009 20:56 #2652

  • mdmjerusalem
I know it will be tough for my friends to accept this.
How can a legitimate person take such an absurd step?

However not being able to stand the pressure of guiltiness.
I literally told my wife about the struggle I have for years.
About he forum I found, and the 4 months of recovery.
I explained to her how this helped us in our relationship etc.
She listened attentively, without any factual reaction.

Chevra, what do you think will happen now?
How do you think she will respond?
Should I bring it up again?
Are there any important points I should tell her?
Last Edit: 29 Jan 2009 21:11 by rt.

Re: I can not believe i did it! 29 Jan 2009 21:03 #2654

  • gettinghelp
In my humble opinion just let Hashem continue taking you on this beautiful path to a new and higher level of shalom bias.As the saying goes,let go and let G-d.
Last Edit: by rt.

Re: I can not believe i did it! 29 Jan 2009 21:32 #2656

  • mdmjerusalem
I am a bit nervous
Last Edit: by grace4me.

Re: I can not believe i did it! 29 Jan 2009 21:39 #2657

  • gettinghelp
Who wouldn't be.I am so proud to be associated with a yid like you.I am positive that Hashem will help you in a very big way.
Last Edit: by .

Re: I can not believe i did it! 29 Jan 2009 21:42 #2658

  • mdmjerusalem
thank you so much
I would like to recommend you to change your screen name to GIVING HELP
Last Edit: by .

Re: I can not believe i did it! 29 Jan 2009 21:51 #2659

  • Elya K
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MDM,
I would say congrats although I don't know your wife or how she will react.
I would give her a few days to absorb the news and then ask her if she is
open to letting you show her some literature.  I would then show her that
it is a disease and some of the literature on the forum.

I think the most important thing is to say three things:

1.  It is NOT her fault, not because of her, or anything she has done.
2.  For you to remain sober and go toward recovery, it is imperative that you
be able to express your feelings.  It's really not about the acting out.  It's about
what is causing you to act out and that's what you need to work on - and she
can help you do that.
3.  I know this is a shock and I am sorry if I have hurt or upset you.  There are
people you (your wife) can speak to privately about this that can help you.
If she is open to that, let me know and I'll have her talk to my wife.

She does NOT want to hear that you Love Her now.  Give her some time
and it will all work out for the best.
Former moderator of the Jewish Healing Group phone conference and presently one of the GYE hotline moderators.
Last Edit: by .

Re: I can not believe i did it! 29 Jan 2009 22:57 #2665

  • the.guard
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Thank you Elya for some good points. Here are my own thoughts.

First of all. WOW......... I'm Speechless. This is a very BRAVE step and shows that you are in this struggle until the very end - for real. Again, you have shown you are not afraid to jump into the Yam Suf up to your nose, and rely on Hashem.

This revelation to your wife can be a big help to you in the long term, but I am warning you that you should brace yourself for some pain in the coming days. It is very painful for a woman. Women are emotional creatures and knowing that her husband had a whole fantasy world with other women in his life, even if they were only "virtual" women, is very hard for her to swallow. Until now, she thought she was the only one in your life.

At first she may show understanding, or even "no response" - as in your case. But it will sink in and she will feel lots of pain. You may find her crying a lot in the coming days. You need to humble yourself and take the pain, and keep silent and show her extra love. If she throws anger and abuse at you, tell her you deserve it. Tell her that you are HAPPY she is so angry at you because this way you will be much stronger NEVER to break her heart again. Tell her how her Neshama agreed to come down to this world to help you in your Tikkun, and part of that help is that she will be there as a strong deterrent to you never falling again. Promise her to only tell her the truth from now on. Tell her you don't want to live a life of hiding and sheker anymore and you want to be open with her. This way, you will be able to stay strong and recover fully. Tell her that ultimately this will take your relationship to a new level. Elya says not to say "I love you" too much, but I do think that saying it can help sometimes. Every woman is different. Make sure she understands that the women you used to fantasies about meant NOTHING to you, and it was an addiction, an illness. Explain this again and again. She might not accept it at first, but it will sink in.

See this page as well, and maybe have your wife see the links on that page.

By putting in filters on both your computers, and by revealing this to your wife - you have shown Hashem that you are ready to accept pain and go the extra mile to win this struggle. I am confident that you will see much siyata dishmaya in this merit. And we are all with you here. May Hashem give you strength to go Me'chayil el Choyil!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: by Moshe9876.

Re: I can not believe i did it! 29 Jan 2009 23:37 #2667

  • MW
MDM, you sure have guts, congratulations, and a big Mazel Tov on the four months of sobriety, I envy you.  If I may add my two cents to the wife thing, It's important that you wife realize it's a psychological problem or a "disease" as we like to call it. She should not look down at you as a dirty shaigetz.  I don't believe many non-addicted people accept this as a fact unless they are somhow involved themselves.  Get her Rabbi Twersky's books and more to help accept that fact.

Hatzlocha Rabba, davening for you.
Last Edit: by .

Re: I can not believe i did it! 30 Jan 2009 01:24 #2672

  • ano nymous
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MDM, you scared me! When I saw the title of this thread I thought you had fallen! But instead, you took a GIANT leap in the other direction. May everything work out well between you and your wife, bringing you true shalom bayis. I'm single, but based on the way my mother reacted when I (foolishly) revealed some of this to her when I was in 9th grade, it will be hard for her to swallow. However, I am certain that if you keep your end of the deal (working on yourself and staying clean) she will come to understand this and your relationship with her will be better than ever.
Last Edit: by .

Re: I can not believe i did it! 01 Feb 2009 02:59 #2703

  • eme
MDM, Like Ano Nymous, I also got scared an thought you fell, but you took an amazing step! Maybe she should read your posts on here so she knows what you have been going through, and how hard you are trying to get through it?
Last Edit: by daybyday.

Re: I can not believe i did it! 01 Feb 2009 11:16 #2717

  • the.guard
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MDM, where are you? You've got us all on pins and needles waiting to hear how it went over... Our Teffilos are with you...
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: by sky12345.

Re: I can not believe i did it! 07 Feb 2009 23:28 #2884

  • mdmjerusalem
i am here still under shock
she is swallowing the pill
it seems it will be for the better
but i think my days here are counted
Last Edit: by .

Re: I can not believe i did it! 08 Feb 2009 00:03 #2885

  • ano nymous
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What do you mean 'your days here are counted'? Do you mean numbered, as in your wife won't let you stay here? Please explain...
Keep up the great work MD!
Last Edit: by .

Re: I can not believe i did it! 08 Feb 2009 13:28 #2893

  • mdmjerusalem
yes I mean numbered
the situation is confusing

hope it is for the very best
Gam Zi LiTovah
Last Edit: by .

Re: I can not believe i did it! 08 Feb 2009 13:39 #2894

  • ano nymous
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Care to elaborate? What exactly is going on?
Last Edit: by .
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