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Is my Neshama tainted forever?
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.
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TOPIC: Is my Neshama tainted forever? 932 Views

Is my Neshama tainted forever? 29 Mar 2013 05:02 #204077

  • newjew
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Its been a little over 3 weeks for me. During this time a few recurring thought keep coming to my mind.

I will notice a woman but not really look at her. In my head I will think I can do this. Then a second latter I will feel almost sad that I cant look at her, cant look at more images and can't do 'other things'. My mind is reminding me how much I enjoyed looking and acting and how 'great it was'. I know that is not the truth but its a strong memory.

I will be trying to go to sleep or be sleeping and and image will pop into my mind out of no where. I quickly push it away but it keeps happening.

It seems that there are so many triggers around. Not talking about the internet, or immodestly dressed women just every day life. The frum woman at the store or in shul make me want to look and wonder. Its like all the thousands of images and movies have scared me forever.

It was only hours after making havdalah from Pesach when I found my self trying to come up with a plan to justify acting out. BH I over came the yetzer hara but it scared me.

how can I undo the damage?

Re: Is my Neshama tainted forever? 29 Mar 2013 06:00 #204078

  • Avrom
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There was once a Innkeeper that catered for the slums. But as time went on he wanted to shift his "business-model".   His plan was simple: renovate, remodel and make his inn stunning - only the available for the "upper class".
First however, he had to get rid of the old customers! So the next morning he hung a big  "CLOSED" sign on the entrance. The townspeople where furious! - They where so familiar with this inn - they weren't just going to let go!   Many of then started banging on the door.  But the innkeeper held his ground. The next day they came back.  The next day again - they thought maybe it was only temporary. By the end of the week most of his customers had given up. But then, the weekend drinkers came...  and the same picture remerged. After two weeks there was almost none left - only the heavy drinkers still came here and there . After a month even they got the point.

Just putting up the "closed" sign won't stop the old costumers from trying. They will try to get back in for a while. Just stay "closed" (and open to others- like you have) and Iyh your old customers will chap your new policy!  

As heard on the Shmiras Einayim shiur by Dovi Frank 
(- I guess if someone is on addict it may take more then the above?)

Re: Is my Neshama tainted forever? 29 Mar 2013 08:36 #204081

  • inastruggle
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iv'e also thought alot about how am i ever going to fix the stains on my neshama but then i realized that at the point where i'm holding right now (also a little over three weeks) is not the time to worry about it.I think that until we consistently have this under control then we're still in the category of tovel v'sheretz biyado.
Therefore until we're past the azivos hacheit stage we probably shouldn't even be thinking about how to fix the damage rather focus on damage control and then once the damage has been contained start focusing on how to fix the damage.

But from what you're writing it seems that you're not so much bothered by the taint on your neshama (though i'm sure you are, it just seems like whats bothering you right now is) rather that even though you're clean for three weeks which i'm sure took alot of hard work, you still seem to have the same taivos and triggers as before and for that i can only agree to what avrom said that as long as you keep working on it it should get easier (it already has a bit for me, but obviously if we lower our guard then its all over).

But if the problem is that you don't want these feelings at all then i don't think that that's ever going to happen (sorry) because even if we wouldn't have ever fallen then i think we still would have some urges, just probably not as strong, these urges are natural and every healthy man has them.


p.s. if anyone disagrees with me please post
Last Edit: 29 Mar 2013 09:14 by inastruggle.

Re: Is my Neshama tainted forever? 11 Jun 2013 14:55 #208843

  • Dov
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Dear Newjew,

These two guys wrote such beautiful things to you and for all of us. I hope you read and re-read these posts, to actually do what they suggest.

Do you?

I also relate to what you write, and no, the world does not stop for us. Reality - hashem's reality - is that there are pretty people, schmutzy people, good people, and bad people - they are all just real people going about their lives most of the time. Just like you and me, your Rov and whoever. Real life goes on and you and me and our yetzer horas are not at the center of it all. Not even close to it, actually. It's a very big world and Hashem is taking very fine care of a lot of people, plans, and things. Our question is how to live in that world without twisting it into something that it is not.

Do you hear, chaver?

If you will allow me to say something personal, it seems to me that you may be holding your breath between episodes of 'falling'. Holding on and seeing how long you can go without giving in. But real life is not about whether you sin or not - it is about being useful and getting involved in the life hashem has for you.

Not sinning is only a part of of that.

And how long can anyone hold their breath? Not forever. When under water, we all have to come up for air eventually, right? Seriously. Counting the clean days that have already gone by is helpful if you are clean, but it is poison as well. No one can hold their breath forever. A different way of living is needed. A clean way of living. If you are doing basically the same things and thinking basically the same way - yet expecting to hold on for another day...well, you are a sitting duck, nothing more. Well, a very religious and conscientious sitting duck, OK. Points for that, OK. But you are not just going for points, are you?

'One day at a time' does not mean 'just stay clean for today, hold on one more day and pretend tomorrow's coming up for air will never arrive!' That is just plain lying and does no good in the long run. Rather, I think it means that today is really all you have. Hayom is repeated so many times in sh'ma and the Torah because today is always where you are. Yesterday's failure is not any of your business and tomorrows failures are not, either. They are G-d's affair. We live in the present....if we are mature enough and humble enough to do so. Usually we are not, though, and insist on 'fixing the damage' first. Our very common focus davka on 'Tikunnim' before stopping and living clean for a few years, is really nothing but childish gayvoh in religious garb. I know and have been there. Oh - and it does not work, too.

No, we do not need to get all our monetary, spiritual, and relationship matters in order first, for us to stop, get help, and stay clean today. Boruch Hashem. I know a lot of guys who are still a mess - and are clean one day at a time because they are taking real actions to get help and live clean and not just waiting for life to 'let them alone already, so they can finally move on'.

You are starting to post. Please continue. It's a real change of behavior, a difference from whatever we have been doing till now that has gotten us in this mess to begin with: our hiding and faking we are all so good at. I hope you and I keep learning and trying new things that are working for others, and not just living the same way and expecting different results. For that would be a very sad way down, and I have been that way enough.

Have you had enough? It sounds like it, to me. So have we.

Hatzlocha one day at a time - that means only today!

- Dov
Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"
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