dear everyone. this morning i woke up after watching a movie last night knowing how the day would go-- on a taanis, r''l such a holy day and i always use it in the wrong way with so much time on my hands.
Boruch Hashem i just recently installed mega strong filters on all my devices. instead of spending two hours surfing porn on the web i instead spent two hours trying to get around my filter. two hours!! and boruch hashem i didnt! i caused a lot of damage on the way, wiping loads of information off accidentally, in an attempt to remove the filter, but BH it didnt work. i got so frustrated, i needed, simply NEEDED porn. i felt if i didnt have it i would ch'v die. at one point i nearly broke my phone out of frustration of it not allowing me to surf the web freely. i still fell in the end, and feel terrible now, but am also so happy that I have where to turn since i joined to GYE family. i wish i had a video of myself going nuts an hour ago- THAT is what an addict is. and now we start again. my point is how careful we need to be with filters. everyone: hatzlocha in staying strong today! try not to spend too much time alone even if it is to "lie down", or watch a movie to "pass the time".



(((its Adar! we need to be poiretz gedder with our simcha. i think my approach was wrong and thats why i fell.))))

In step 1 "we admitted we were powerless over lust...", I am not just powerless over the acting out. I am also powerless over the crazy behaviour i use in order to get my fix. This too is part of the illness.

The point i am making is that as long as i used to see the problem as yeitser hora i only saw the actual issurim as the problem, but not the crazy behaviour that went along with it.

Seeing the problem as an illness allows me to get a broader perspective of the problem.

And yes, i can identify with needing my fix otherwise i will die.

I wish you alot of hatslocho.

Moish

We all suffer a lot (I did for over 15 years, worse and worse) until we finally can't stand it any more. Then we get help, because we are willing. Boruch Hashem!

I am an addict, too and I am so happy for my real strong filter which is not only strong but also supervised. If I would dare to try to get around this filter the supervisor would find out and even if not the router protocol would record all connections. First I tried but after a short while I found out that it is of no use because the supervisor (my wife) is an IT professional. Trying to get around my filter now would most likely end my marriage at this very moment which is really good for me to remember step 1 of the 12 steps (especially the second part about life becoming unmanageable). What I wanted to say I has similar experiences than you (only they had even harder consequences). We can be thankful for such strong filters because we cannot trust ourselves - at least this is the case with me.
If I fall I try not to concentrate on this but do tshuva and learn from it. In my experience the only way to avoid the next one is. Guard my Eyes, restrict my connection to lustful content as good as possible and the rest... I surrender it to Hashem (whom I made my Higher Power instead of my addiction) and share with others - fighting from my own strength nearly automatically leads to fall.

And continued hatzlocha to you, chaver!

You may doscover along the way over the next few years of clean time, that you have issues in how you approach and view your very own wife. Not just for sex, but as a person you are helping...to your children...and you may discover things in your relationship with Hashem that you may not be able to see now, that are not well.

I am, too. We are 'growing people'.

Sobriety is not the goal, just as the problem is not the real Problem. Gurading Your Eyes will help you stay clean...but the reason you had such a big problem in the first place with self-medicating may never really have been the fault of your penis (or 'yetzer hora'), at all. It may have been more about holes in your inner heart and mind.

No shame in that, chaver. I do not know you, so am not telling, just suggesting possibilities.

Again, continued hatzlocha!