So after nearly 3wks of being clean I had a fall.I see this as a beautiful bracha to bring myself to higher level of awareness.I just think it is Hashem's way of telling me that I am capable of so much more.So now I will use all of the resources I have been blessed with.This is an illness that I need as much help as I can get to control. Simply writing here a few days a week  and not calling into meetings,seeing my Dr sporadically is not enough.I need a support team that is avaibale 24/7That team will be my Rebbe,my Dr.,GUE,and hopefully a sponsor.I have the emunah that when I ask for the help I need to succeed in controlling this illness that Hashem will send me the help I need.I do realize that I was not honest with myself as to how much the y'h can and does get control .I thought that by looking at few innocent site with hints of things set off my triggers I would be able to handle it.I tried to get to the point of almost acting out but stopping short of acting out.Well you cant almost be pregnant.Wether I take a inch of  step or walk a mile,the minute I start to move in the wrong direction,I'm doomed to fall.I am now going to be as honest as I can with myself,Hashem,my Rebbe,Dr, and GUE .When i feel I need help I now know I must get it and call for it asap.However it is easy to write this now,the trouble is when I am going nuts with desire,really strong desire to have the strength to reach out and call.I have set up so many layers of barriers between me and everyone else,that i don't even know how to ask for help when I need it before the fact,

you call your rebbe or a sponsor before you get the urge, when you are feeling down or scared or irritable.
These are sometimes pre hints to falling.

Ah, The sweet sounds of a Jew determined to quit and work on himself! It is music to Hashem's ears and the malachim all rejoice with you!

Keep learning and growing! That's really what it's all about.

I havent been following the forum so closely  over the past couple of weeks as it has gotten very busy at work, but I am happy to see  the amazing growth, both in membership, and by individual members.

Hashem loves all of you!

Chazak V'Ematz!

Starting day 3 today,with Hashem's help.It is truly amazing to see when I stop and think before doing anything,good or bad,the few seconds of really thinking through of what I am about to do or want to do helps put me in line.Over the past day the y'h has tried to get between me nd my wife,but by thinking of al of her inner beautiful traits I was  able to overcome and actually be bsimcha.If I could only  think before I act I would be so far ahead of the game.I know that I am only human ,and this will take some hard work.I am like a kid before his birthday,I can't wait to actually have my brain think in  a clear and holy way after 90 days.I so desire to be a holy yid!

Started again on the fast yesterday.will now post under 90 days now