Funny - the Barichever resurrection guy hit the nail on the coffin...I mean on the head:
'Osuk bimlachto' is exactly the goal for the recovery I am learning in SA. Yes, this is the heter for the cattle farmer to monitor and supervise his animals mating: osuk bimlachto. Since for him it is all about the money, he
is watching animals engaging in intercourse but remains focused on the
business issue for him - he is paying $5000 per day for
this bull to get together with his cows and create some prize-winning calves that will make him a rich man! This is serious, not play. He needs to make sure they are doing it right and that the bull gets introduced to the right cows and does not cause injury or get injured. This is the reality of it for cattle farmers. Ask one. So Chaza"l tell us he is unlikely to come to hirhur. They tell us this is the
metziyus.
But the point here is not the
'heter', the point is this: How
is it that the cattle farmer is
able to see that stuff
without getting negatively affected by it? Is it because he is stam, busy? NO! If it were other peoples' animals he would have no heter, even if he was busy doing his taxes on someone else's farm (very busy work), it would be completely assur for him to watch the animals mating, at all.
It is because
these animals getting together means something different to him right now. It means money - real parnossah.
So, for us, the program basically is about redifining living. Not about redefining lust. Please do not think I am insulting you here - for I am not. I want to sugeest to you that the fact that
it was a great chidush to you that this "woman has a brain" is very nice - but it shows that your
natural attitude towards these women is that they are basically stupid objects. Maybe all they are good for is really just their pretty bodies, breasts or sex or whatever. They are not real people with real brains like you and me (and most men), real tzaros that hashem takes seriously and that they really
matter.
This is at least 50% of the reason why you have so much lust trouble from them and their pritzusdikeh dressing. Her clothing choice is a product of her upbringing and her inner and outer environment - not because she is pritzus or loose. In fact, from where she is coming, she just may consider
today's outfit a little bit 'on the tzniyus side' from what she is used to wearing! And most of the reason
you dress the way
you do may not because
you are tzniyus or good - it is because the yidden you grew up with and live with dress this way. Mostly (but not all) oylem goylem. So you and her have more in common already!
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/wink.png)
So if you have a hard time naturally respecting her as one of Hashem's human beings that He feeds and takes care of and can even become a chasid umos ha'olam or perhaps even a ger tzedek one day...who knows?...then no wonder you have such trouble from seeing them. They are sex objects and that's what your heart tells you they
expect!
If you have read Derech Hashem's writings about hasgocha protis on goyim and want to darshen ah gantzeh toirah about how the goyim are all just like animals that Hashem has no concern for k'mar mid'li, etc...then I will just have to say you do not understand what I am talking about. You are chayav misa bidei Shomayim for walking over to a giy and killing him, period. Saying "they are all probably chayav misah anyway for not keeping the sheva mitzvos, so what's the difference, who cares?" may have some truth to it - but it is still a lie. Because you do not really feirzach that way, yourself! If a goy were walking with his infant and fell in front of you - would you not try to catch the baby before she fell on the ground and might get killed? If a goy was screaming from inside their burning house "Please save us! Save my son! Help! Help!!", would you not do
something? Is your heart made of stone - are you dead? When Chaza"l say the siman of a Jew is "Rachmonim, bayshonim, gomlei chasodim" you and I both know they would have tried to save those people. Only a dead man or a Nazi can stand by and not be a human being in times like those.
Sop please. You see you do indeed care for strangers...even goyim strangers.
And she has tzaros. She has real human worries that do matter. She may even pray to her idea of G-d...which may actually be more similar to your idea of G-d than you and I think...and does He listen? I think Goyim are encouraged to pray, too. Yes we can sit in comfort behind judgement - "Ach, they are praying to a confused idea of G-d, so Hashem is disgusted with them and does not hear!" But we know that is not exactly true. Zohar haKadosh says "leis machshovoh tfisah bei klal" - so you and I do not understand Him right at all, either! We pray to a messed up idea of G-d, too. Not as messsed up - but really - what do you believe in is going to save you? What do you turn to? Do
you not worship the power of the beauty of these women's sexy images? Why else would you chase them with mesiras nefesh sometimes and at cost or trouble? Why do you want it so badly? Is it not precious to
you? Do
you not turn sometimes to porn or to masturbating yourself when you are in the emotional meitzarim? This is putting your trust in something else than G-d to save you, isn't it?
OK, I have gone around and around too much and it is too much arichus. I am ashamed!
My point is this: we do not have
lust problems over one whom we are busy
loving right now. If you are really in recovery, then living is oseik bimlachto - sexy dressed women are just a distraction to the business you are really involved with right now. So you will walk past it. She is none of your business, for you have other business. Just like the farmer. He sees the intercourse - but it means something else to him because he is busy. You can see the women but they mean something else to you - because you are busy going somewhere and thinking about something else.
I try to ignore womens' bodies just as I'd ignore men's bodies. But when that does not work and I find myself preoccupied with the face, body, or whatever, of the Teller Hashem put in His bank over here....I think one of the very
best things to get busy with is this: davening for her benefit.
Tatty, You know her and her life. You know the tzaros, confusion, pains and worries she has now and will have in the future all the way till she dies. Her fears and pains about her health, her spouse, her children, her parents, or friends. Her worries about her future. I have the same exact things in my own way and You know them all, too, very well. May it be Your Will before You that You bless her (use davka her correct name here) with a more correct understanding of You according to what You expect from her and give her all the help You can so that she lives her life as one of Your avodim, for You intend all people to be your true avodim in their own tachlis. And please give me, my wife, and children the same brocha to know You more correctly and to come to serve You better according to our tachlis. Ki hakol avodecha, Omein" This is halocha lema'aseh for me.