I tend to be more logical than emotional, litvish rather than chasidish (no offense, Bardichev).  I'm usually very skeptical about these messages "WOW, I've been clean now for a whole week and now I feel like a different person!  I've got so much kavannah in davening, and so much simcha all the time!"

So, I must report, I have now reached 16 clean days.  I've been clean before for 16 clean days, but never while I was consciously trying to get rid of lust.  And, I think someone posted here, "One fall during recovery is worth more than a clean day while you're not trying to recover."

I can't say I'm jumping for joy all day long.  I can't say I feel like I'm on the moon when I'm davening.

But, I am starting to sense this subtle undercurrent of simcha, which I have never felt before.  And, I think it is a simcha that can spill into all aspects of life.  I feel a bit different towards my children, towards my wife, and even towards davening.  No doubt, it is due to my efforts in trying to break free of lust.

Throughout these weeks I have been telling myself over and over again, "Watch out now!  Be careful not to lust!  Don't lust!"

I was surprised that, even with my wife, the same message popped into my head, "don't lust!"  I realize now much more than ever before, I was thinking of marital relations as the kosher outlet for lust.  But now, I sense that it is really supposed to be something entirely different.

Beautiful post...obviously heartfelt. It sounds like you're not only on the right track, but you started your journey from the right place. I cant wait to hear more.

HEY HEILIGE EYE

I DON'T HAVE THE MONOPOLY ON HAPPINESS NEITHER DO CHASSIDIM AS A WHOLE

MAYBE CHASSIDM USE SIMCHA AS A SPRINGBOARD TO CATAPULT A PERSON OUT

OF THE  MUCK AND MIRE HE GOT HIMSELF IN TO

THE OHR HACAHIM HAKADOSH SAYS IN PARSHAS EIKEV THAT A PERSON

THAT IS INVOLVED IN SIN CAN NOT BE BESIMCHA!!!!

SO THE DERECH OF THE BAAL SHEM TOV AND HIS HEILIGE TALMIDIM

WAS TO USE SIMCHA AS A WAY A DERECH TO UPLIFT A PERSON GIVE HIM A BIT OF THE TASTE HE

WILL REALLY FEEL WHEN HE WILL "BREAK FREE'

AND AS THE OHR HACHAIM HAKADOSH SAYS WHEN ONE FEEL THE SWEETNEES OF TORAH

HE WILL "LUST" FOR IT AND ALL THE GOODNESS OF THE WORLD WILL BE CONSIDERED TO HIM AS

NOTHINGNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!

b

Dear Eye-

From the way you talked about your 16 day jouney thus far (I hope and pray we are further than that) it seems that there is a peak if you will that once you get over you start seeing the joy and happiness of feeling clean.

Like you said once you crossed that line you started feeling differently towards your wife etc etc. It gets easier now but is still crazy tought.

Am I crazy but whenever I get lustfull or want something I feel this knot in my stomach. I am not sure what its from. The desire to do something wrong or just my body telling me to jus sin.. I have it right now and if I was in a place that lust was easy to come by my nisayon would be much more difficult..

Thanks to you and thanks for you by telling me that aside from just the spiritual rewards awaiting me when I break free there is also tangible rewards such as a better marriage and just feeling better about yourself immediately. I guess its the mentality of instant gratification that I need. I am not used to waiting two three weeks to see fruit but now its gratification just not instant.

ninetydays wrote on 25 Aug 2009 15:44:


Your right on the money.
But, it is not just 'rewards'. Its an entirely new plane of existance... and when your there, you realize that  the old way was, to put it simply, not a way to live at all.

Wow! You're really feeling it; you're really feeling the "life" outside of lust! Something else entirely!

Keep going! It only gets better! 

2B

Let's be blunt: the old way is a living hell, which I have no doubt can cause a person to die prematurely.  Once the person is dead, he will come to the realization that he ruined his life in both worlds.

The good news is - it doesn't have to be that way, if we understand what's at stake.

DONT LOVE SOMETHING THAT CANT LOVE YOU BACK