Yosef instead of focusing on staying clean I would suggest changing the focus to how can I make myself useful today. If you are learning in yeshiva then put your energies into that knowing that its your learning that's supporting the world.  Ask yourself what chesed you can do for others.  If you are fortunate to have grandparents call them and say hello, they'll appreciate. The point is start focusing on living life and stop focusing on the struggle.
Continued hatzlacha.

UAJ's words do not need my approval, but he speaks wisely and you would do well to work in that direction
Reb Nachman famously said:
כל העולם כולו גשר צר מאוד והעיקר לא לפחד כלל
our position is precarious but we cannot focus on that and live in terror.
we need to live in the present and do something good right now.
wishing you continued hatzlocha

AniYosef wrote on 05 Jun 2011 13:08:


I have found, for myself, that the more open I can be here, the more helpful it is.  As I write out my struggles in detail, only then can I take a good look at what's going on in my head, and only then does it really leave my head, and only then can I get specific advice that is really helpful.  True, we have to be careful not to trigger other people, but there's a really long way we can go before we REALLY have to worry about doing that here.

Just my 2 cents worth, which isn't worth that much.

What does all of this mean? My struggle continues yet my heart and soul knows what is best. Am I not in control of myself? My own brain is the most powerfull force in my body, how can I be so pure if mind today and state to myself that I would never again betray myself again like that, and yet tomorrow find myself betrayed by myself once again? This is insane!!! I have to get a grip. Even while I am about to fall, I rationalize it to mysel as "you need this" and "let's just get over this and then tomorrow we can start new". EVERY DAY!!!! Am I really hopeless? Sure I have gone with good streaks yet they seem so punitive compared to the constant betrayal that I endure. I would never in a million years go off the deep end and break my moral standings such as so much as touch a women in an inappropriate way, but is what I am doing a betrayal of myself as well. Although I have always done what I do, I can't believe I have continued to justify it. This goes against everything I stand for. What is wrong with me that I cannot stop, look around, and realize that I am not the person that I want to be and must stop now????