Married for 7 years, addicted to p**n sites, and wife not interested in being intimate together with me which makes it even worse. Also not very interested in my wife to begin with. Please give me chizuk

hello, i dont really have any advice, just rushing to welcome you to the forum and extend ahand to a fellow struggler. hang on, someone will be right with you to offer love and encouragement and a plate of hot cholint.

Max, welcome to the forum.  You've come to the right place, and you will find people here with similar experiences (although it may be better to move this discussion to the married men's forum).  One observation, if you want help with a non-interested wife, it is probably best to first get help with your addiction to porn sites.  I would venture to say that her non interest and your non-interest are all symptoms of the lust addiction.  From experience I can relate to the feeling of how hard it is to stay sober when we feel we don't have the attention and affection of our spouse, but my need to stay sober exists regardless of whether my wife is intimate with me, indeed, it exists whether or not one even has a wife.  I want to stay sober because I want to experience life to its fullest.  When lust moves in on center stage that is not possible.  When I am with Hashem's guiding hand it allows lust to be pushed off stage and then my relationship with my wife and my family can move back to its rightful place.
Stick around here and you will see that it's possible.  Wishing you much hatzlacha.

Max Shalom ALeychem!
I can relate to your story as I have my difficulties with my wife as well.
I have however discovered that in this regard, so long as she is not abusive, psychotic or violent - she is only 50% of the problem.
"The grass is always greener on the other side" is a truism. I am quite sure that it is part and parcel of human nature to think that the "other" wife would/should/could have been so much better. ... but it's not true (unless she is one of the aforementioned women!)
We men all try to make our wives happy... usually by doing the most convenient thing which requires the least amount of effort or actual investment of time with our wife to begin with. let me give you an example: my wife has been complaining forever that she needs a calendar for this year, (ok so maybe it's not really forever!!) so yesterday, being the first opportunity I had to be at a stationary store - i got her one.
I have yet to get a "thank you" on that. HOWEVER...
My wife cleans the house, she cooks meals for the family, she raises our children, she deals with the more mundane factors of life freeing me up to go out a work to make that parnassah (b"H!) she gives me time to go to the Beis haMedrash and learn, she does Chessed with others.
In short: She is a good person.
If I want a relationship with my wife - then I have to make it.
Relationships don't fall from the sky! If a person thinks they "fall in love" then they have to remember that eventually gravity catches up with them, followed by a resounding "splat"!
If a bird were to try only to glide it would eventually hit the ground.
There are times in life where in order to keep the love aloft and to keep the relationship going the only way to do that... is to give your wife what she really needs! Attention. Admiration and... between the two of you... intimacy which does not translate as "sex".
Intimacy means (and the Gemara tells us this in SO many ways) that you tell your wife how desirable she is to you! if you find her ATTRACTIVE she will be attracted to you!

Le'Ma'aseh:
Don't expect any of this advice to work as a "quick fix". It will take LOT'S of both time and effort. But she IS your wife.

Any additional help I can offer - please email me!

Have a Good Shabbos!

Aspiring, that was beautiful, thanks for sharing

Hi Max! WELCOME!  You have come to the right place.  Ur A Jew is right on the money.  Often the 'non-interested wife' is the result of a lust problem, not the cause.  I obviously can't say in your case cuz I don't know you, but keep sharing!  We're here for you.

Here's the welcome package.  Take some time to read it.

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

GuardYourEyes (GYE) is a vibrant network and fellowship of Jews of all affiliations, struggling to purify themselves and break free of lust related behaviors. For the first time, there is somewhere to turn to for help in these areas. We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama  .  Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!
 
In the last couple of years, the GYE network has helped roughly 1,000 Jews get back on a path of sanity, self-control and healing and has touched the lives of thousands more. GYE has become known throughout the Jewish world as the number one address for dealing with these challenges which have reached epidemic proportions. 

The tools of our recovery program were developed with guidance from the best experts in the field, such as Rabbi Dr. Avraham J. Twerski, and through the personal experience of hundreds of Jews who successfully broke free. We use a unique approach that recognizes that there are many different levels in these struggles.

Our network is comprised of a website, a pulsating forum, phone conferences, daily Chizuk e-mails, support hotlines, therapists, live 12-Step groups and a program of recovery for all levels of this struggle/addiction.

All our work is free of charge and we zealously protect the complete anonymity of all our members.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into your journey:

1) See the "GYE Program in a Nutshell" (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer) that can help you quickly identify at what level of the struggle you are at, and which tools and features would help you most at your particular level.

2) Install a strong filter (see this page for more info). It is hard to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away.  The filter gabai at filter.gye@gmail.com will hold the passwords for you. We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability.

3) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

4) Join the 90 Day Challenge. Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change the neuron pathways created by addictive behaviors in the brain.

5) Post away on this forum, where hundreds of yidden like you exchange chizuk and post logs of their journey to recovery. You will internalize that you are not alone, and you will learn the techniques and attitude that work for so many others.

6) Join our free anonymous phone conferences, led by an experienced sponsor.

7) If you need more general guidance, write to GYE’s helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call the hotline at 646-600-8100.

8.) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook" (a hard copy can be purchased for cost price over here). This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "The 20 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

The second part, "Attitude & Perspective", detail 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

Our souls cry inside of us, but we have accustomed ourselves to block out that cry. Today we can begin to be who we really want to be.

We are here for you.
www.GuardYourEyes.org
GYE E-Mail Helpline: gye.help@gmail.com
GYE Phone Hotline: 646-600-8100
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