Oy my Ta'avah is so strong. It really stinks. I hate this dumb avoida. It sucks. Why me why me. I want to be over with this garbage already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > :'( > :'(

Hey ZD feel free to PM me or gchat me at Yiddle2@gmail.com

zalmandovid24@gmail.com

Wow, I never thought I'd feel a need to post this, but...
I'm really tempted to fall right now. Help.

I've been clean for 58 days now, on my very first try.
It hasn't been so difficult, to my shock.

So what's happening now? Let's see.
My wife is muttar to me, so it's not raw arousal without outlet.
My eyes have been pretty free from wandering, although in the last day or two I've noticed a little looking-plus-fantasizing.
Nothing else in the GYE staying "clean" area is really coming to mind.
So... what could it BE??

Well, my family is going through 1-2 BIG challenges where I think I'm frustrated with my own parenting.
My wife and I are still working through some communication issues although there's great progress (Credit: Rabbi Arush, Garden of Peace).
I've been home alone, a lot. Very little temptation for p**, but more for m** and even more for just some mental fantasizing... perhaps as an escape from the frustrations with the home scene.
And I think I just miss the excitement. Not just the physical pleasure but the emotional distraction.

There are probably lots of folks who have "hit the wall" around day 58. Any theories, gentlemen?? Help. PM?

PMing now.

Dear Briut,

Can you spend a little more time with the wife or other family members in productive or fun mode? In short, are there any actions of love that you can take with them? What's all this time alone at home about? Can you beautidy the home or clean for pesach or anything - as long as it's for them.

When I feel the way I think you are describing, a Shakespearean voice in my head (I have those sometimes :) says to me, "Get thee to a meeting-ery". I go to meetings to get out of my head.
The brain cell can be a rough place, you know. And it's no place for a nice jewish boy anyway...

Dov:
Thanks.

Yeah, I work based-in-the-home, and right now I'm stuck waiting to give FedEx a signature. After that, I'm free for a few errands I'm wanting to make outside on this terrific East Coast spring day.

Your words also suggest giving, both for their own sake and for getting out of my own head. It's not my head that feels so stuck right now, it's my pants. But I do realize that they are connected. I think you're saying that it's all about giving. True.

Maybe my first errand will be to find that info on the overnight spa next week to help frum women relax for Pesach. I bet she'd like it, and she'd like that I found it, tracked it down, set it up, etc.

Or maybe I should just crayon a drawing like a child would. She likes presents from children. And presents don't have to be fancy, just given with love.

And I daven to G-d that He help me give the gift out of love and not just in the hope that she'll "help me out of this dilemma" at bedtime. (I don't EVER do that; right?)

Thanks, Dov.

Wow.
You are welcome!

Hooray. FedEx just delivered, and I'm free to get out of the house. And take this creature of bossur v'domm with me. (And hope that the bossur can lose a little bit of its domm, frankly.) And as Dov said, try to give a little: something, to someone, etc.

But first, there's an early Mincha I can catch. (Let's hope those cute hormonally-charged teens aren't hanging out by the front door.)

Thanks for the chizuk.

I ask myself right now, Why not just 'fall' for a little while?

I know this sounds like a ridiculous, rhetorical question for the forum. It's just that I'm so full of ... what Dov would call RID (restless, irritable, distracted - is that it?).

We're all Pesach cleaning. More tension than usual, all around the house. I'm contributing more than my share, and don't seem to know how to even suppress it, much less truly dissolve it into love.

Just take a little break from this little experiment for a few days, a few times, and come back when the bayis has a little more shalom. Don't I owe it to my wife and family to keep it together before yomtov? Won't this help?

I have different answers depending on whether I'm speaking with my head, my heart, my bris, my kinyan Torah, my half-of-couple responsibilities, etc. But I don't think it's only my Y'H speaking.  How do I really get my head on straight?

I'm posting this in 'help I'm falling' not because I already have one hand halfway to a fall this minute, but because my head is spinning with so many justifications that I can't quite banish... who knows how to get through today and esp tonight.

And once again, thanks to everyone who broke my fall a few days back. Plus my apologies if any of my posts (in this thread or elsewhere) have had a little bit "Too Much Information" TMI for either general comfort or trigger risk. Not intentional.

- Briut

Briut - I never heard of RIF till I got here. Where I come from we talk of HALT: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired.

Which brings me to me post on this thread:
I'm feeling them all now!
No idea which came first, no clue how to climb out. I just want to eat something, get the heckaway from work (I'm at work till about 5 today), and get to a bed. I posted a bit to wash my brain out, and now it's out todry.
If I do not take care of myself I will act out! I feel more discontent now than I have felt in months, maybe years. I'm scared of me right now.

Thanks for the venue. I'll call some of my program buddies now, and at least discover that I'm really never aLone. I love y'all.
Any feedback - not slaps on the back, but feedback - will be much appreciated,
Dov

Wow, Dov, is that really YOU talking?

You said: If I do not take care of myself I will act out!

WELL, YOU JUST ANSWERED YOURSELF. SO, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! YOU'LL KNOW WHAT WORKS FOR YOU! I'M NOT SURE IF FOOD & DRINK IS A FAIR SUBSTITUTE (I'D BE 250 LB BY NOW) BUT MAYBE IT'S A GOOD SHORT-TERM SOLUTION. COME ON, MAN, YOU'VE SEEN YOURSELF BEFORE. YOU KNOW WHAT WORKS TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

I feel more discontent now than I have felt in months, maybe years.

I FEEL LIKE 'CLOSE TO PESACH' (NISAN IS COMING!) IS LIKE AN EREV SHABBOS BUT ON TURBO. ANY EXCUSE TO BRING US DOWN. BUT WE'RE COMING OUT OF CHOSHECH (DARKNESS) AND INTO MAKKOS BCHOROS (THE ALPHA MALES OF OUR ENEMIES BEING DEFEATED). CAN WE FOCUS ON SEDER AND NOT STICKING THE DARNED BLOOD ON MY DOORPOST? CAN YOU? CAN H' ?


I'm scared of me right now.

AREN'T WE ALL A LITTLE SCARED OF OURSELVES? ALL THE TIME? AFTER ALL, WE'RE REALLY POWERFUL. AND WE KNOW ALL OUR VULNERABILITIES. AND WE ARE DOUBLE AGENTS FOR THE Y'H ALL THE TIME WHETHER WE EVEN KNOW IT OR NOT -- HE KNOWS OUR SECRET VULNERABLE PLACES.

And once again, if I could only listen to myself, for myself!!

You can do it. Now I'll move from talking into the slap on back you asked us to avoid:  kutgw/kot/we luv u/blah blah blah -- now tell it to yourself instead.

hi -

great post.

such honesty in the forum!
i love it!

when I feel (and am aware ) that I am about to completely loose it (or feel like I WANT to completely loose it - act out..or what ever)

rather than stifle IT -

I let everyone know...

if its the kids who are pushing my buttons - I squat down and tell them they are driving me CRAZY and if they dont stop it I'm going to send the short, little man with triangle ears out to come chase them and turn them all into FROGS!!!

(and then I hold onto to my ear lobes and start to chase them around the house - walking funny and making funny noises)

everyone has a good laugh (or they think I really am crazy and choose to avoid me)

for others - or places where chasing around the house does not work -

we have a FUNNY FACE FEUD!

also good for a good laugh to break up the tension - and help me get back inside my own skin.

on a side note - when my wife gets really stressed out she goes into CONTROL mode (I hate it) This used to really set me off - until I realized laughter helps her too.

I'll ask her if I can ask her a question...

and then will ask her a joke - for example:
How many ants does it take to fill a house?

ans: TEN.

Ten-ants!

keep smiling!
laughter works..

ask HaShem for help!

help... see below... still floundering.

Hey Briut! Feel free to email me or gchat or PM me here. My email is Yiddle2@gmail.com

Stay strong!

-Yiddle