:-/

coby,

i know a few hours have passed. i dont know how theyve been for you. why dont you share with us? post here, in your thread...
we appreciate your honesty, your authenticity and we accept you and love you no matter what...

i called my best friend and told him about the issues i was having over shabbos.  he told me that past is past and theres nothing i can do about it except tshuvah.  i tried to explain to him that i do every day for my past feelings and actions, but i still feel guilty about the molestation, that it was my fault and the aftereffects were all intentional (which they pretty much were).  he instructed me to write three good things about myself and one negative thing.  ive been told to do that dozens of times, and never was able to come up with a good trait.

Perhaps THE biggest Yesod in beating this addiction is recognizing that we only have TODAY. Eileh Hamitzvos asher anoichi mitzavecha HAYOM.

ANI HAYOM YILIDITICHA - YOU WERE BORN TODAY. WHAT WILL YOU DO TODAY??

bs"d
coby613 wrote on 06 Sep 2009 10:22:


i also felt like that very often, until one night after i told HaShem (again) that there is zero good in me, i suddenly had to think about what if someone on this forum was helped by something that i wrote.

That thought hit me, and i had to stop walking. I realized then that (at least  for me) the essence of yiddishkayt is to help others.

And you, just by posting, are doing excatly that. I just wrote Habib earlier that through her (and miri's) thread i was inspired to come to the forum, which completely transformed me into a better person which affected my wife (and everyone else around me) for the better; like a snowball effect.

The power of one word can save not just the person who's reading it but even help others as well!

So thank you for posting and sharing your story with us.

coby613 wrote on 06 Sep 2009 10:22:


Being molested was not your fault, and the after effects are quite understandable.

Nothing good about you?

Besides being not possible in its own right, just read the recent post on the forum (I forget where, struggle - maamer makom?) where he credits you, YES YOU for inspiration!

So how about writing that down.

me3

Me3 wrote on 06 Sep 2009 14:54:
...and you Coby613 wrote, "he instructed me to write three good things about myself".

Here is something counerintuitive, that actually works for me:
If writing down positive things about yourself is not working yet, you may already be too focused on yourself to do yourself any good. That does happen, you know.  : ??? Here is a remedy that works quickly (a week or less) for me: please consider mainly writing positive things about other people.
To heck with you.  (and me!)
Meaning, it is often more effective for a person who is tied in a "selfknot" to drop direct self-assessment and move on instead to practicing seeing the good in others. And they've got plenty. Often we are able to percieve the good in others because we are so practiced at feeling inferior! But, no matter. It still turns the tables on our nuttiness, though, because it can open up more honest self-appraisal to you, automatically. It may also be the opportunity you have for focusing on the real extent of positive goodness there is in people around you. We who are so rough on ourselves, as you obviously are (sorry), are often quite rough on others in our sometimes bitter hearts even while we compare and feel inferior to them! (You can see some of this stuff inbetween the lines of the Igeres haRamban, too.)

The whole goofy cycle may get ripped wide open for you now and lead you to some more sanity. And that is really precious, no?
Let me know what happens if you actually try it, OK?
Love,
Dov

Reb Dov,

I'm speechless. Your insights, ideas, and tips are simply amazing!!!!

dov wrote on 06 Sep 2009 19:50:


Reb Dov this is gevaldig. The whole problem in the first place comes from this misguided self-assessment. We get so wrapped up in our self, and we're forever desperate. Some people think that it's a Mitzvah - cheshbon hanefesh. Oy gevald, if only we get out of our self a bit, life becomes so much better. In the Hakdomoh to Nefesh Hachaim it says that R' Chaim Volozhiner would always tell his children that a person wasn't created for himself, rather to help others. The Chazon Ish says that if you are trying to help someone and someone else beats you to it, there's no place for disappointment. Because your focus should be only on the needs of the person and not at all on your opportunity to do a mitzvah.

R' Tzvi Meir speaks about this a lot by the "highest" shmusen of the year. (Like before shofar on R"H etc.) One of those times is motzei purim. On one motzei purim he explained that depression comes from being wrapped up in yourself and if you open your heart to everyone else then you will reach real simcha. Another motzei purim he was screaming on and on how we should do every mitzvah "B'sheim kol yisroel" not thinking about ourself at all. That shmues changed my life. I used to say the words "B'sheim kol yisroel" beforehand, but in that shmues he drilled in to me how to really mean it.

He always says ויגדל משה ויצא אל אחיו The key to growing is to go out of yourself. Addicts are pathetically obsessed with themselves. I think that -for an addict- trying to find good things about yourself is like someone once said "fighting an army with a pea-shooter".

I am by nature very very introspective. Also very self-conscious and introverted. So for many years I was extremely wrapped up in myself. And of course I had a rotten self image. What changed my self image was that I finally realized that my actions don't define me. (Kal vochomer what other people think about me) I realized that my very essence is the shlichus that I was created for. When a shliach of a great person comes in to a place and someone asks "Who's that?" The answer is "He's the shli'ach of R' Elyashuv" That's what counts- that's who he IS. Our whole existence is as a shliach of Hashem. Our very essence is a representative of Hashem and as R' Tzvi Meir says כביכול שלוחו של אדם כמותו

But as long as we get wrapped up in self pity/self assessment/self blame/self gratification then we will always keep needing self distraction.

good ideas, thanks.  sorry i havent been on in a while, ive been extremely busy.  i saw some friends yesterday and hung out with them for a couple hours, but i got sad again when i came back.  i had some disturbing dreams last night that kinda scared me so i dont know what to do with that.  maybe someone can discuss this stuff over email, as it is kinda off topic?

I am hardly the right person - but if no-one else volunteers, you can find my e-mail address on my profile. In case it is hidden Ill send you a message.

Hope you are doing alright.

k im falling as we speak....

Uri give me a call first!

i cant
sorry