Tomim saved the day. We had a nice chat, in addition to some chizuk.
And As R Bards Shlita told me, it helps to have to report my falls. And where better to do so than on this emeregency thread. I lay in bed this morning, and contemplated using the laptop (I use GYE at public terminals) to watch p--- . I started thinking half-baked hirhurim, always stopping myself before I looked at the womean, or did anything. And after 20 minutes of that, the next phase on tyhe nissayon came. I was gonna use the laptop, but for 30 minutes Hashem hapt interrupting me with important phone calls, so my milchemes hayetzer continued. But my nissayon was not yet over. Now that I was fully awake, I actualy got-up and oppened the private browser, and started to search, lemazali I saw very little, and alot of the videos didn't open. The one video I was REALY interested in watching, took a long time of kosher content, untill it got to the issur shebo...and the moment it started....R Bards was sent mishamayim to bail be out. I had the most meaningfull shomeh esrai in a long time. I cried meomka delibi, for my nissyonos and my torah. I resolved to try learning, as hard as it is, just for those few minutes I can get in...in addition to being able to feel the tzar of not being able to learn. to be able to pickup my printouts of dapei gemara and say "AL Aileh ani bichiya, Aini Aini yarda mayim, Ki rachak mimeni menacheim Meishiv nafshi. Hayu panay kichalamish ki gavar oyeiv"
R tzaddok brings in his shtikel on the sefer yetzirah chodesh av (*from memory*) that Veruach elokim Meracheif al pnei hamayim, da rucho shel mashiach. That when we mourn, and cry bechiyos of teshuva that is molid the mashiach, and this is the kavana of his name being Menacheim. And kal hamisavel al yerushalayim zoche veroeh bevinyana. (many say this) Ay, so many have mourned tikkun chatzos and have not seen the Binyan? Teretz is, that the beyicha is in itself the geulah betoch kol echad ve'echad. Each person has the capability of being within a framework of the churban bayis, of galus. Yet each person can elevate himself to a giluy shomo tisborach, and an awareness that is revealed during the times of the Binyan bayis!
"Shechora Ani Vena'avah bnos yerushalayim Keohalei Keidar Kayirious shlomo" Onkalus there in shir hashirum (mybe rashi too) learns the reffrence to chalamish as yisrael being oveid AVodah Zara. It was not our identity, and it was not a part of our intrinsik identity. Lehefech yisrael are meinminim bnei maynminim, bnei avraham yitzchak Veya'akov, they are our roots, our supporting piullars, and they imbued their great ma'alos into the very fiber of our being. * lefi havanasi* The reffrence to the "soot on our face" describe the nature of the avaira as being something external, that has defiled us, in the form of a klipa. Yet what and who we are remains intact. Arba Avos nezikin...vaHahever (fire). Yet the Gemara on 4a never make a chiluk between avno sakkino vemasao shenafal meirosh gaho, as being any bit chaluk from aish..since aish is not techilas asiyaso lenezek. And this plays out on amed beis as well. R nachum also learns like this, that eish is not techilas asiyasolenezeh, af al pi that is IS darko leilech ulehazik. If my memory doan't fail me, I think this is because the aish itself is made for constructive purposes. cooking, heating, metal working. The pashtus of the gemara is not one lighting a fire on a pile of wood, in the middle of a dry forest!! There are other, more muchrach, raiyos.I learnt like this, and later heard it beshaim R nachum. Anyway aish in itself is not a DAVAR HAMAZIK,it is only when it speads that it becomes a mazik. Anyway, aish isn't a dvara hamazik. Now what is the tzuras Hahezek of aish? (R moshe Schapiro) It is mechaleh the metzius. As long as aish is being mazik, it is aish. The moment it stops being mechaleh the metzius ("chemical reaction of combustion")it is extingueshed! (This was the more muchrach sevara I had to the pshat above). Zegt R Moshe Schapiro, there are two types of aish, "Aish shechora al Gabei AIsh Lebvanah" AIsh shechora is mechaleh, aish levana is mayIR. He has a vort on the torah needing to be comprimised of both-simultaniosly (if I m=remember correctly it may have even tyed-into haman). The Aish Shechora of the yetzer hara is mechaleh metzius, however the soot is only on a face, not from our own distruction, but merely as a klipah that stems from the destruction of something else. Remember that every makom of Rah is truly a kisuy for unfathomable tov (gedolah midah tovah mimidah puraniyus)!! If we used the oppertunty of having our heads already in the fire...to overcome the Y"H. We would be mitlabesh with such kedusha, the tzad hatov of this would be meir es penainu with an or that is niregh to tzaddikim. R efraim waxman says about this or, that it is meir from his chelek hanesha baolem hazeh, to it's counterpart in shamayim....and tzaddikim can see when you have this OR.
Sheva Yipol Tzaddik Vekam Lo...I told you of my nefilah, and you can now bear witness to the kimah that I underwent as I thought of this post. (my appologies for the randomnes)
