RAGE!

That's what I needed to hear.

All I can say is - really? Are you being serious?

Now I can exhale.

Kanesher, how dare you insinuate that i am being less than dead serious, when have i ever not been? But, alas, everything i said is true. It is sadly true.

as guard once told me, you dont need to white knuckle it - i add: it doesnt hurt to keep a fist clenched in rage (the kahanist in me speaking) against this addicition.

keep fighting
ratm

Rage, I actually believe what you're saying. My wife is pretty. And I'm pretty sure that many of girls I've lusted over don't compare to her. But the're willing to show off more, - I'm talking about frum girls - and we've struggled with the bedroom.

And I'm pretty sure I had a lot to do with it, ironically - I've. I've told myself - heck, I bet SHE is wonderful with her husband - my wife's complexity has contributed, as well. ETC.!

My wife is wonderful - we love each other very much, and I know of no one more caring or warm or accepting, and she's someone that I can connect with on many levels - and she is beautiful.

My lust addiction has stopped me from being to translate that into the bedroom, and this is all the first step! Yes, another woman would be effortless - and empty. And eventually I would look for more.

But that's the irony of the truth of what you're saying, and you're 100% right. Before I can taste the caviar, I got to get the **** out of my mouth.

Kol HaKavod Rage. I feel much better, and I will get up and do productive things and stop ignoring my wife

I owe you a clip. Or better yet, a box. Lock and load!

All clear!

I am not married so i cannot talk from experience.
I have never been in the bedroom with my wife.
But the book that i am reading is called "First day of the rest of my life"
its about this guy (a rosh yeshiva actually) who is a sex addict and has several affairs before he shapes up.
as part of his reawakening he tries to connect to his wife better.
but when he gets to the bedroom he finds that he cant get aroused.
with all those much less good-looking women he has no problem.
just with his wife thing are....different.
its not about lust.
and he knows nothing else.

idk if this is an issue with the married men in general but for me this idea was quite frightening!

Uri wrote on 22 Sep 2009 14:07:

that's not why - or Rage, I think am talking about. It's a different sort question - more of wanting more - well, it's complicated. But not a question of not being aroused.

What we speak of is wanting more. Is not being satisfied with experiences you have - but those experiences are still experiences. Ach - it's tough to explain. I can't speak for the book, but I don't think that that is a common problem.

I wouldn't worry about it

And thanks for your help today!


Tireh Uri,

kanesher wrote on 22 Sep 2009 14:17:


so i can mas**** freely again?
phew!!
thanks kanesher

Um...no.

To be clearer, it destroys your ability to deal with intimacy as a loving experience with the pleasure as a byproduct. I was refrring to an arousal problem. But there's enough to worry about, and you will be a lucky man if you can walk under the chuppah b'kedusha v'tahara

Rage, you are absolutely, positively right. Big time!

My wife is hot as aitch -- heck, I even get comments about my wife from people who obviously aren't too smart. At times, I'm even really uncomfortable walking with my wife in the street, because of all the stares coming our way --
yet in no way did this curb my addiction. I still get this tingle when thinking about sex with the forbidden, with the taboo. Does it get in the way of our intimacy? You better believe it does.

Kanesher, take it from Rage and me:
Your wife is not your problem. Your addiction is.

Shmilu wrote on 22 Sep 2009 17:23:


You bet the addiction is the problem, how else to explain choosing to mas**ate over a fantasy than to have actual s*x with wife, even if the fantasy is cuter, would you rather have some real vanilla ice cream or only fantasize about a triple decker multi flavored ice cream in a cone!    Trust me, I fantasize about affairs with wifes friends who are ugly but the thrill is still there. 

I have mas** bated night of mikva and the only explanation is that se*x with wife rarely satisfies the addiction part of me and also that I try to avoid intimacy as much as possible.

I had a pretty big insight tonight that was along the lines of what is being discussed so ill post it here:

I was with a friend and he has a very good looking wife.
But that did not explain the weird gleaming light around her.
If anyone ever filled their lust drives with a girl,they notice the gleaming light very soon dissapears.

We are like a thirsty person in a desert and we are seeing mirages.
So 2 things...
1)Find what it is in us that is lacking that is making these things so glittery.What are we thirsty for?!
2)Understand that this is just a mirage.

Each take their own path with this....

MosheF wrote on 22 Sep 2009 18:03:


And that's the irony - the UGLY other girl! That's like turning down the cake and fantasizing about - dirt.
And I know exactly the feeling! Except my situation got more complicated because for my wife that feeling of being used was the number one turn off even though she was never able to express it. And I blame her! How's that for unfair?

Ultimately, if we don't figure out how to channel our desires toward real connection we will always be dissapointted and think that the next piece of flesh/pixels contains the real satisfaction! I mean, in Hollywood, everyone is sleeping around, and they married the women the rest of us are drooling over!

You need enough physical attraction to hit what it's all about - connection. But it's not a purpose onto itself.

Uri - nail on the head!

Again chevra, thanks for pulling through today.

Are there any men living in Israel who I can call now?
If yes and you're willing to let me call you, please PM me your cell number.
Thanks.

Thank G-d Yaakov Schwartz sent me his number. Mamash a gift from HaShem I had an emotional breakdown. I simply felt overwhelmed with everything in my life, with my work, with my struggle.

I felt it coming, and I thought: What would Duvid Chaim say to do? I remembered that I posted today what to do. First, pray to HaShem. I did that, and it didn't really help. The next step is to call someone. So, instead of acting out, which wouldn't have helped at all (it would have just made me feel worse), I put out a cry for help, and Yaakov answered. I just needed a shoulder to cry on. (Uri, I would have called you but I know you are working shift work and wouldn't be able to take a break in the middle). I have no idea what happened, but I was literally crying like a baby at work.

Yaakov talked with me for a half hour until I calmed down.

Well, I feel a bit better (I've stopped crying), but I feel like an emotional wreck.

HaShem, ad matai?????

I'm proud to say 2 other people here (besides Yaakov) gave me their numbers this morning, and I gave them mine.
It's so important to have someone to call in case of an emergency.
Thank you! We need to help each other to get through this.

I cant give you my number, but you can definitely PM or email whenever you need.

And Uri will be calling as soon as he can...