L'maaseh I would say that the main lesson that I learnt from him was the 'Eyn Hadavar Taluy Ela Bee'. Even with all the twelve steps approach, that is a big yesod -without taking action on your behalf, drastic as it may be -ain't noone gonna help you. Not Shamayim, not Aretz, Not harim, Not Gevaos etc. as the story goes there in the Gemara.

Another important lesson -having nothing to do with his actual death -is that even someone who was with every Zonah in the civilized world, as the Gemara portrays him, can do teshuva and become a ba'al teshuva gamur. The only one who says other wise -is the Zonah herself....

Same goes for the Cyber-Zonah of P*** and lust in general -only the addiction itself tells you recovery is impossible and you can't live without it. But Hashem (through this story in the Gemara) says: That's the Zonah speaking...the truth is Eyn Hadavar Taluy Ela Becha -it depends on you. Are you willing to be honest with yourself and others? Are you ready to roll up your sleeves and work?

Those are among the lessons I am trying to emulate from the original Ben Durdayah. I think that his story and its lesson are so connected with this site and its message, that I was surprised that the username was still available!

By the way... I totally agree with Yosef HaTzaddik -this thread is much too long and cumbersome to set off the whistles and bells when one is abou to fall - I know...I called 911 and the response was pretty weak and far from instantateous.

Im about to fall

can you get away from the computer? go take a walk, call a friend, do 20 push-ups

you don't want to fall, you will feel like a rotten tomato afterward if you do

Hey MovingUp, I just noticed that we both joined around the same time and we chose similar names for ourselves.  But in truth my full name is "Rising Up to the Great Challenge".  That name that I chose represents two things. The first part is: "Rising Up" which reminds me that I am at a low point now but will eventually rise to my greatest possible heights.  The second half is referring to something else.  "the Great Challenge" is the outside forces that have taken control of my life.  I must rise up to defeat the great challenge.  You too must always be Moving up towards where your goal in life is.  Sometimes one must take a step back to take two steps forward, but never does one have to take a step down on a ladder to take two steps up.  Each step is harder than the previous one but each one sets you on a level that gives you a whole new perspective.  If we weren't addicts than we might gain from taking a step back,  but since we are, we are on a ladder to get out of this pit.  If one climbs up a ladder to get out of a pit his eyes will rise above the surface long before he himself is removed from the pit.  At the same time, he will be able to see the beautiful landscape around him long before he is out of the pit.  Realize this, once you see where you will be once you leave the pit, you see what all your efforts and hard work that you put in to climb the ladder will amount to.  You may not be out yet, but just look around and see the beauty of the lives of those that made the same trek before you (some of the moderators on the site are these very people).

When a helium balloon seems like it's about to fall, it ends up rising.  Since your name is "moving up," why not act like a helium balloon?

Thanks for the advice guys. evrything I'm seeing today is a trigger for some reason. Going to get some fresh air outside. Hopefully that will help

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

The same applies to you, RisingUp! 

Hey folks. For anyone who might be on now and see it, I'm putting out a call for help. Not sure if I'm about to fall or not, but I'd rather not get lost in thinking about it.

Hey hey surggle

I'm right here for u buddy

Just to complain for a second to get this off of my chest.

I've been steadily climbing the ladder on this for a few years now and I've made quite a bit of progress.  Occasionally, I get these attacks from my YzH that are literally to the point where I can physically feel them.  The insidious part is that if I give in to the point where I walk right up to the line and don't cross it, it usually goes away (although, of course, this just makes the problem come up more frequently).  I'm at the point where I've been eliminating the walking up to the line and have a good two month clear streak going at the moment.

Anyway, I had a really bad attack this AM (after being just about at the breaking point over the last week and getting through it) and had to pull out just about all the stops to keep myself on the right derech.  I succeeded at it, then all of a sudden, just about everything in my day starts going horribly and causing me a ton of emotional pain.  This isn't the kind of thing an individual's YzH can control either, these are all outside factors.  It's nothing life shattering or anything B'H, just a lot of salt on some wounds.  To top it off, I end up messing up on a couple of other growth issues (not related to this forum), one of which I'd mostly had beaten, and the other much more serious than what I'd spend the AM trying to avoid.  So of course, all of a sudden I start feeling depressed and now my YzH is coming at me from the back instead of head on from the lust angle all over again. 

I get that there's no obvious, immediate reward for doing the right thing and that would take away our free will.  It's a little frustrating however after working really hard on doing the right thing to get whacked with a big serving of emotional pain and messing up on something I hadn't had an issue with for a good six months and causing myself a much bigger problem in the process. 

Now I'm sitting here trying to fight off "You've made great progress, but this is taking a disproportionate amount of willpower and it's impacting other areas of your growth, it would be more effective if you stayed where you are or maybe gave in just a bit, then worked on those other issues for a while."  The really insidious thing about this argument is I'm not 100% sure it is wrong.

I'm hoping that complaining a bit to a sympathetic ear will help me buck myself up.

The "giving in a bit but not too far" thing, sounds a bit like you are employing the so'ir la'azozel method in this issue. The truth is that it is worth it a few times for you to make the call or do whatever you need to do a bit earlier and walk through the compulsions you have with a little bit of trust. You may find that you get a release from the whole desire and are freed, rather than just 'putting it off for later'. I would not say this to you if I do not experience this myself. It is a painful thing. You can reach out a bit earlier, maybe more directly and bluntly, maybe whatever...just try something.

Unless you do not care.

But I do not believe that. Do you?

Hey Chaim18,
I'm not a member for too long now, but I am suffering for what seems like an eternity. There are 2 things I would like to share with you. First is a wonderful piece from one of  Avi Shulman's books. I am attaching it to this message. It may help you to understand and answer your questions and doubts a little better. The second is a Dvar Torah that I just heard Beshem Rav Dovid Feinstein. You can find that in the forum by the Torah and Chizuk part titled "Chizuk from the weekly Parsha". I think that will also help to make our struggles a little more clear.
I don't feel experienced enough to give advise or an opinion about whether to give in a little or not. I will leave that to the experts. But I will tell you what we all know so well and that is - every struggle is worth diamonds to Hashem. Lefum Tzaara Agra!! Anu Ameilim Umkablim Schar. We get reward just for the struggle, even if we fail, and certainly when we overcome.
Don't give up on yourself and Stay in the rink!!

Hi everyone!

i didn't have such a bad day in a very long time
i fell "twice" today
not only this. its even worse, the fact how and what happened, it was a deep fall, so ugly (the last few times. although i fell, but not to this extent) i wouldn't say any details (it might be triggering) but at least it was just me who fall with no contact with anyone else, still it was bad, very bad

I've taken several steps so it shouldn't happen again (NEVER)
I blocked (through k9) the entire internet after 10:00 (its 1 o'clock now?. but goes into affect in 10 minutes)
manually selected to block a few so called CLEAN SITES that use to trigger me if i really wanted...
made a commitment that i wouldn't watch any movies "via online", ZILCH, ZERO, NOTTO, NOTHING, NOPE, KELUM (even rated E)
although i have k9 through the filter gabei I use to have my filter code written somewhere far from home so if anything important i could adjust it, but look, my YH was so strong that when i passed that place i just took down the code and........................... whoops all the way down, so i erased my code, if anything i'll ask Mr. gabei to adjust it

hashem please forgive me this time, i really promise you that ill work much harder
please forgive me

guys! any other ideas how to stay strong
i'm really depressed 
i know i shouldn't be, but i;m still literary depressed


I KNOW THE NEXT FEW DAYS IS GOING TO BE HARD
because i'm extremely down, also because this p..n stuff are still fresh and flashing in my mind,

despite all that. i'm committed to clime out from this mess, i just hope i'm not fooling myself

_{i just had to give it out, so i might get back on track}

In a few minutes you could go to sleep.  Wake up tomorrow and realize that its a new day.  Start the day doing something that you really love to do, no matter what it is.  Maybe go out to breakfast.  Then tomorrow night log back on and continue to discuss what needs to get done.  But for now, take a 24 hour break from this forum and everything else and treat yourself.  You'll see.  When you come back tomorrow night you'll be all invigorated and ready to take on the issues at hand.