Thank god i have a excellent torah parner whom i study with , my only problem is I have such wild imaginations to the point that if I would be seculer I would deffinitly marry him (obviously i have a strong urge for the same gender...)

any advise/recommendation is greatly appreciated (especially those who have/had the same problem there are way more with this problem who have not really spoken out)

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama   Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!

GYE Program in a Nutshell: (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer).

'Guard Your Eyes' offers a unique approach to helping people by recognizing that there are many different levels in the struggle for "Shmiras Ainayim" and "Shmiras Habris". After studying the experience of hundreds of religious strugglers over the past few years, we put together the suggestions and recommendations that we feel are best for the various levels. We divided the tools, features and services that GYE offers into 8 different levels. This "GYE Program in a Nutshell can help people quickly identify at what level of the struggle they are at, and which tools and features would help them most at their particular level.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into recovery:

1) Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information… We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability, because filters alone are usually not sufficient and they can often be bypassed.

2) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

3) Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

4) Post away on this forum! You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

5) GuardYourEyes also offers many free anonymous phone conferences where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See www.guardyoureyes.org > Tools > Phone Conferences for many different options. Our conferences are taking place every day, morning, noon and night… Joining a phone group would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but the daily call will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

6) If you need more general guidance, write to our e-mail helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call our hotline at 646-600-8100.

7) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook". This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "Attitude & Perspective", details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

The second part, "The 18 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

May Hashem be with you!

TehillimZugger ,thanks for taking your time to answer my post , however i was  trying to stress on the point that I'm somewhat gay (i hope thats not considered offensive here) so what shmiras einayim to you basically means aviod contact with women but for me that does not apply what you want me to avoid making contact with men? 

I am not an expert in this field, however, I don't see why this would be any different from yichud with a women. You should be incredibly careful, and if he's a trigger for you then RUN. Well, I don't know where you're holding in fighting your addiction. Can you elaborate on your full story so we can get to know you, and learn from you, and share with you.......

rockaway wrote on 28 Aug 2011 09:16:

you are probably not gay, just a bachur that's desperate enough 
and i would just like to point out the famous even ezra linyan lo sachmod [although it's easier said than done, it's gotta be said.] he writes that a simple peasant does not dream about being with the princess, the same has to be for us with anything forbidden by the torah.
and you don't have to avoid talking to men only touching them
p.s. yossi's right, give us more details, how old are you etc.

rockaway, g-d forbid that anyone should be offended by someone who's gay. We are all brothers here and are here to support you, just because you are you. We ALL ACCEPT YOU!
There are some very good posts on here from people who are going through similar things.

A great recent post is by someone call helplessjewboy. you can find his thread in the "breaking free" section. I think you can learn a lot from it. Another person you should speak to, who has been here for a long time, is gevura shebysod. You can find him as well in helplessjewboy's thread.

Good luck!

KH

I am a shoplifter who has never stolen, an adulterer who has never had relations with another man's wife and a cocaine addict who has never touched the stuff. 

Why do I say that? Because these are all parts of a possible potential direction in which I (or any  person) COULD go.

So, you have an attraction to your chevrusa.  I think it happens more than we talk about, but what should not happen is to ACT on it.

Jewish Law regards homosexual ACT as an abomination, but if you read sifrei halacha,  it is clear that it happens, and has happened, in more times and places than most people ackowledge.  And that people struggle with it in many settings and times. Why am I telling you this? Because we are given "fences," within the sifrei halacha, to keep us from stumbling.  Look into those fences. 

Keep your hands to yourself, etc.  I am not saying it is easy, and if you really cannot control yourself, perhaps you need to find a new chevrusa or make sure you are only learning together in a safe place (i.e. no "yichud."). 

I do not know how well you know your chevrusa and his family, but perhaps you are objectifying him.  (How many men really know anything about the women in the pictures they look at? ) If you don't really know someone outside of the beit midrash, you only know part of him, and may be "fantasizing" about who he is and what kind of person, outside the beit midrash, that he is. Once you get to know him as a person you are much less likey to objectify him.  Make him real to you, and he will (hopefully) become more to you than a "sex object," if you will pardon the term.

Is he married? Are you? Are you willing to destroy his family and yours?

I had a secular upbringing.  I never did drugs because I feared getting caught up  in the pleasure and the highs...addiction.  "Do not trust yourself until the day you die."  If you go too far, and you slip, the real question is, will you be able to live with yourself afterward? Will you be able to forgive yourself? Will you be able to live with the repercussions on yourself, your family, and everyone close to you?  (And him and his?)

Thinking to go there once? Twice? Three times?  A new lifestyle?  It starts, like recovery, WITH ONE STEP.  Take the step in the right direction (away) not the wrong direction.

We are created with a strong sexual drive, some more than others.  To deny it is foolish, to not learn how to cope with it and control it can be very destructive. 

First of all, do not deny it .  It is there.  Instead, deal with it.  Seek out a therapist or someone you can not only trust, but really talk to CONFIDENTIALLY. And I mean STRICT confidence.  Be wary of people within your community who may be asked, at some future time, about you or a family member, for a shidduch, etc.  Instead, ask for refernces of good , qualified therapists outside your community (but be careful - interview your therapist.  You do not want to end up in the "care" of someone who feels that it is OK, and acceptable to act on these or similar feelings.  Be up front:ASK the therapist at your first meeting!)

These feelings can be part of normal sexual develpoment, and can pass in time. ( I do not know how old you are.)  And they can spring up again.  I do not have  a good "frum" way of saying this, so please forgive me, but I will try.  People say they are unnatural.  If they were unnatural, would God have to forbid them?  Say instead they are forbidden, like pork, lighting a fire on Shabbos, kidnapping, and idolatry.  The feelings  happen, they are real to you, to many people.  It is our avodah to limit ourselves to those behaviors that are permitted, and not forbidden. It is our challenge as Jews, as God's creations.

Easier said than done; and I know it is a struggle, a difficult one, perhaps, for you. 
To not acknowledge that would be unfair.

Seriously - be careful, put up some fences, and avoid situations in which the temptation to act could overwhelm you.  Even people who "fall in love" in acceptable ways find that, over time, their feelings change.  Lust fades, diminishes. Yours may change as your personal circumstances change in life.

Another thought: Your chevrusa could be a really great person.  He could develop into a friend you would cherish for the rest of your life.  I don't mean sexual, I mean a commited friend with whom you can share the ups and downs of life, support each other through "thick and thin," and rely on for decades.  You may be risking  something that could develop into a lifetime friendship of mutual support and appreciation.  It sounds odd, but that is a different kind of "love," but it is not physical, but can be very rewarding (that is why there are so many books, movies and TV shows about "buddy relationships") Never underestimate the value of a true FRIEND.  How you act could destroy that potential for both of you. Get to know him as a person, he will no longer be an object, and it may be easier for you to deal with and escape the strong pull of sexual feelings. (Hey, you may decide you don't like him at all!)

Be strong, be careful.  If you need help, need support, need chizuk, go get some.  You have your whol;e life ahead of you, and a few minutes af pleasure are not worth destroying everything you may have coming.

You owe it to yourself.

Chazak!

Do you objectify many men or is there something particular about your Chavrusa you are attracted to. I am notherapist but if you thikn you may stumble I suggest getting a new Chavrusa.

ninety

ninetydays wrote on 28 Aug 2011 22:51:


I have a love for many men

I suspect that this "love for many men" didn't just show up one day. It was probably the result of some serious unhealthinesses evolving. It would do you great benefit to share your story with the oil am. We would all be in a better place of understanding to guide you. And,most of all, you will have shared...........

Welcome!!!!
I read through your thread and hope things really turn out well!!!
I'm rooting for you!!!!

Tried-123 wrote on 01 Sep 2011 05:06:
Thanks for your hope but my problem is still present