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90,000 Reasons To Say NO to acting out.... in 20 words or less
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.

TOPIC: 90,000 Reasons To Say NO to acting out.... in 20 words or less 84036 Views

Re: 90,000 Reasons To Say NO to acting out.... in 20 words or less 04 Apr 2014 16:13 #229897

the feeling of not acting out for a long time, is better then the feeling of doing it for a short time

Re: 90,000 Reasons To Say NO to acting out.... in 20 words or less 10 Apr 2014 03:59 #230240

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ich bin zainer wrote:
the feeling of not acting out for a long time, is better then the feeling of doing it for a short time


You are right.

Re: 90,000 Reasons To Say NO to acting out.... in 20 words or less 10 Apr 2014 04:01 #230241

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inastruggle wrote:
I have to disagree with that.Not sinning due to fear is perfectly G-dly and ethical.It isn't the highest level of repentance but it's definitely valid.


Thank G-d I have fear.

Re: 90,000 Reasons To Say NO to acting out.... in 20 words or less 11 Apr 2014 17:16 #230323

bsd
A list of reasons why it is worth getting a handle on this terrible habit.
Sin begets sin every time you do it, you open a channel to do it again. A vicious cycle spiraling downwards .
Many a sad story heaven forbid have started out with this little vice.
You owe it to the people close to you, and to yourself to take care of yourself so that both you and them can live the best possible life.
Rabbi Twersky has said this is a very difficult addiction to break and has ruined many people. The more you do it the deeper you are getting into the quick sand.
Logically it cannot be defended. To give up on so much for a few moments of cheap, fake pleasure that you do not need.
You become irresponsible, you cannot be relied upon for the simplest things, you lose self-esteem. If you think you are getting away with something, you are in denial. There is no way this is going to be good for you, it is altogether negative.
One can come to do some pretty crazy things because of this. It causes weaknesses in your character.
One gains financially by guarding ones eyes. From being more trustworthy and, reliable to being more aware and capable of making smart business decisions. You can't gain by buying into a white elephant which is what you are doing.
One gains in physical health as this makes you more tense and stressed which is well known to be harmful.
One gains in psychological health; as you do better, and are at better terms with yourself. Your healthy self-esteem rises
All your relationships, most importantly with your spouse will improve as a result.
Emotional health , the ability to live, empathize, laugh, share improves because your emotions are free to do so, rather being enslaved to this.




So you see that every effort you make to defeat this is well worth your while.
If this is a very bad and potentially destructive habit, a habit that is taking so much from you, why don't you stop, like tomorrow?
The problem is that is very difficult, uncomfortable, and painful to do so.
I call the technique I recommend you follow Start Plus
First start… just do it! How many will be willing to try? Not many. Why? The answer is that is a very difficult habit to stop. Rabbi Twersky in one of his lectures said that this is one of the hardest addictions and potentially you can fall into it in 4/10s of a second.

This is the type of habit one finds very difficult to even begin to contend with.
Yet every new thing you have to begin, every change is difficult . And we all have to do it many , many times during our lives. One never finds himself saying I no longer have to do or learn anything.
Rabbi Noach Weinberg obm always gives the example of children first learning to ride a bike. Most do not think they can do it but in the end most do. When you begin, learn from children. They know very well they have to do it and they do it.
The other reason why you have try is that you are comfortable with the addiction but this addiction is potentially deadly. You HAVE to get out if it.

I suggest for the first week or two you pretend you are preparing for a marathon. Live with the mentality of a person vigorously preparing himself for a marathon. Excited, disciplined, not too lazy or comfortable. A person that is going to finish this race, no matter.
After a couple weeks you begin to feel better you can lay off a bit…

That was the START part.
The PLUS part are the techniques, attitudes, actions that will help you to finish. Much like a marathon runner has a racing strategy.

These are a list of some things I have found useful in this struggle
Daily torah study (2 hours)
Strong internet filter (preferably one you have no access to backend)
Prayer, connection to G-d
Determination
Fanatical guarding of the eyes


Believe me if you do this you will feel so good about yourself. The feeling of self -respect and self-esteem you will get is amazing as you do something that is difficult but necessary.
If you succeed it will like getting a monkey off your back literally.
If you do not succeed, it is still a success. Children that learn to ride bicycles do not succeed the first time , or the second time. They fall off quite a bit , but learn from each fall. Eventually they do succeed.
The peace , the tranquility of mind , the satisfaction that you are doing your share, that you are not wasting your life or the life of your loved ones will be incredible. Once you do succeed your gain will have been infinite.

Re: 90,000 Reasons To Say NO to acting out.... in 20 words or less 18 Apr 2014 18:05 #230461

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If not said b4: by acting out, you literally spilling out your power, sh' zera is one of THE energy providers of our body! There is a long list of sympoms a permanently acting out person will find in himself (see chochmat adam)

don' t waste it!!!

Re: 90,000 Reasons To Say NO to acting out.... in 20 words or less 18 Apr 2014 19:02 #230464

  • LeHavote Aish
Can you please elaborate like stating the exact source or copying it here please?
Thanks and Shabbat Shalom!

Re: 90,000 Reasons To Say NO to acting out.... in 20 words or less 18 Apr 2014 20:45 #230466

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LeHavote Aish wrote:
Can you please elaborate like stating the exact source or copying it here please?
Thanks and Shabbat Shalom!



Here the source for my recent post:
חכמת אדם, הלכות אישות,כלל קכ"ח, אות ג
From the middle of the paragraph.

altough it refers to extended relations with ones wife, the importance of keeping seed is stated there in a very clear way!

gut shabbes, thanks for giving me the oportunity to check this siman again!!

Re: 90,000 Reasons To Say NO to acting out.... in 20 words or less 19 Apr 2014 01:21 #230473

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9494 wrote:
acting out is a sin, and brings punishment from Hashem


You are right. Some sources mention eternal punishment for that sin -- they may be right.

I have other sins -- I do not own a tefillin and I do not read most of the prayers (I usually say one Amida a day). Talmud lists these sins as the ones for which a Jew spends one year in Gehinnom. But acting out is very likely to bring eternal punishment.

Re: 90,000 Reasons To Say NO to acting out.... in 20 words or less 22 Apr 2014 13:53 #230510

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R76 wrote:
9494 wrote:
acting out is a sin, and brings punishment from Hashem


You are right. Some sources mention eternal punishment for that sin -- they may be right.

I have other sins -- I do not own a tefillin and I do not read most of the prayers (I usually say one Amida a day). Talmud lists these sins as the ones for which a Jew spends one year in Gehinnom. But acting out is very likely to bring eternal punishment.



Shivisi Responds:

I was in the same place not too long ago. I was involved in elaborating on the "SIN" aspect of masturbation and wasting semen etc. etc.
All this until I had a long talk with DOV about it. he kept on yelling at me to stop talking about sin and gehenom and Hashem's anger and all that stuff, and concentrate on the addiction side of it.
At first I was really angry at him. I kept saying that i refuse to take Hashem and the torah and sin etc. out of the picture!
bur after listening to him for a while I realised how right he is!
Of course its a sin etc etc. but that's not our battle right now! and if we try to fight addiction on the battlefield of sin IT JUST WONT WORK!!!
We here are dealing with a completely different issue!! We are dealing with ADDICTION! We are dealing with sickness! we are dealing with loss of control over ourselves and over our lives!!
Sin is not the problem and teshuva is not the solution!!

Addiction! Addiction! Addiction!!


Think about it - you will see how true this is!

Re: 90,000 Reasons To Say NO to acting out.... in 20 words or less 22 Apr 2014 14:36 #230514

  • LeHavote Aish
If it was just sin we would have stopped, we are broken, shattered, crying and self hating, that is a sin, the fact that we can't stop comes to say that the problem is not the sin but something else, not that we should not deal with the sin, but it should not be a sin in your eyes, only in the eyes of the ones who have not ventured off to where we ventured off too, that would only kill us, we do not understand heaven and hell or God's judgements so stick with us, life is much simpler when you leave Cheshbonos Shamatyim for Him.
If your here, you are not a sinner, you are loved by God very much and he does not want you in hell, if anything, I know that is true

Re: 90,000 Reasons To Say NO to acting out.... in 20 words or less 23 Apr 2014 03:41 #230529

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9494 has a point there! At the end of the day what interests me (and prob. Any beliving man) is what will be after 120

If , lets say , someone tells you that he is fully aware that the addiction is wasting his life,
But he prefers the addiction than a normal life without it. (Very weak parable: someone is willing to smoke even that he knows 100% that it shortens his live!) Both act probably because ther're in there addiction, but at this moment, this is their real will and they wont listen!
Therefore I think its not strong enought to reason to stop the addiction in order to get real life , because sof sof the guy can decide for himself what he realy wants! (I know that gye is only for those who want to get out of it, but this "want" can change by everyone- there has to be a greater reason!!!)

I think the ultimative reason for me to leave my acting out is, BECAUSE ITS A SIN towards my creator, ---AND--- because it blocks me from living the life i know i should be living (and due to that i also want to live)

THE ONLY WAY FOR ME TO DO THAT is by looking at my behavior as an addiction and handle it as an addiction.
To look at the sin side of the story won't bring me any further now!

A gesunden summer/winter for all !!

Re: 90,000 Reasons To Say NO to acting out.... in 20 words or less 23 Apr 2014 08:41 #230531

  • LeHavote Aish
Many beleive, especially in SA, that it being a sin will not help you at all, it hasn't yet. IF your addicted, it means it is against your will, so Ones Rachmana Patrei, but yet, you are right, we have to deal with it, but the sin aspect has no relevence, it is just like asking if the kid who burnt himself will get a time out or not

Re: 90,000 Reasons To Say NO to acting out.... in 20 words or less 23 Apr 2014 13:24 #230537

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i have a simple question on this topic ,

whats the idea that we shouldnt look at this as a sin if not for the sin/hashem part i don't know if at this point in life i would even try to stop , i don't know if im a addict and even if yes i don't feel like its killing my life (maybe i should but i dont) besides from a jewish point of view,

i am more than happy to learn here that this issue isn't letting me live real life and could be a drug of some sort when i'm weak but that all after i already want to stop, but if someone would try to convince me to stop coming from that point of view i wouldnt even listen to them,

so please explain the mehalach its a concept here that i still never really picked up on,(even thought i understand that for others the addiction attitude is the only way out i'm just asking about someone like myself)
Last Edit: 23 Apr 2014 13:27 by dd.

Re: 90,000 Reasons To Say NO to acting out.... in 20 words or less 23 Apr 2014 16:41 #230546

  • LeHavote Aish
It is not something that one could truly "get" per say, you see, in SA the white book says that "we have lost all perception of right and wrong" and thus sins won't help us here, so if it will help you, and only that would get you on the right track, then your not an addict and should probably stick with that. From day 1 I knew it was assur, but it didn't stop me from masturbating for over a year now,HaOnesh, and what this is which you are inquiring about is Yirat HaCheit which has no connection to retribution but the sorrow on the act itself.
I hope I have satisfiyed you.

Re: 90,000 Reasons To Say NO to acting out.... in 20 words or less 23 Apr 2014 17:08 #230548

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dd,

I was chatting with Shivisi and we were talking about Pesach and freedom from slavery. The point we both made was that we are slaves to lust. When I feel like acting out, I almost never think: Oh, I shouldn't do this, it is a sin. I usually think: I don't want to fall because it takes me to a place I don't want to be, a place of no control.

When I am in the grasp of lust, I become selfish, mean, petty. All I can think about is what is wrong in my life. All I can focus on is how everyone no one does what I want them to do. If only I had these things I would be so much happier.

But the con that is lust, is that nothing satisfies it. It convinces you that just this one thing will make me happy, but when you get that one thing, it turns to the next. You can't even enjoy the first thing because you are too focused on the next thing.

All these things are about me as a person. How I interact with the world. Frankly, I was masturbating for 20 years, most of them knowing I was sinning. That is not what stops me. It is seeing clearly for the first time what a miserable person I am when I am lusting, and not wanting to go back to that place. Afraid that if I go back there, it won't let go of its grip on me again.

I think that this applies to both addicts and non-addicts. For addicts it may be more acute, but every person who decides to focus only on what is missing in their life, and then fill it with fantasy is going to be in a bad way.
My Story
Only when we make our real lives sweeter than our fantasies will we reap the emotional rewards, the happiness of recovery. - AlexEliezer
Focus on making the right choices as they come up. - Skeptical
When I start to literally accept G-d's Will as guiding my life today, things start to change. - Dov
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