I came so close just a few minutes ago.

I'm not out of the forest yet.

I took a vacation for a few days, and that was nice (and needed), but I jumped right back into the stresses of life, and lately it's been totally kicking my butt. I have schoolwork, actual work, home/family situations, and I haven't let myself take an emotional break in weeks. I'm sitting at my PC right now, staring at the workload in front of me, feeling pretty helpless and hopeless. It's been a long time since I've felt this emotionally drained and stressed out.

I have very little energy left to fight the good fight, and the YH knows this. After I've finally reached 1 full month, I'm under attack like never before. It's a full-on assault - physical, mental, you name it. I'm literally shaking just thinking about it.

I'm down to taking this 1 minute at a time.

My cynical self (which just loves stress and misery) is laughing at my attempts to give this nisayon to H', and "giving up", so to speak.

I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

Hashem I am powerless against lust, please help me?

Hey, we're with you.

What works for me (only thing that works for me) in these situations is to achieve things - starting small.  It's to get up and do/finish something, or even a part of something.  That's what works for me, anyway.

Keep us updated regularly.

O, just great. now I've got that wonderful condition they call "Blue Balls".

I've never even experienced that before.

It hurts.

musicman wrote on 17 Jun 2011 14:25:


Yeah...  it does.  May I ask...  where have your thoughts been recently?  It's usually the product of a build-up.  It will go away with time.  We should start a guardyourthoughts.org!

You need a distracction!  Something to get into!

Oh, and the title...  You are not overwhelmed!  And it's not a desire, it's a compulsion - you desire NOT to do this - it's patently obvious that this is NOT what you want.

Edit: A weird thought I just had...  Your current discomfort is a little testimony ( any Latin scholars here to appreciate that?) to your current success.  Well, perhaps following on from a slight non-success...  But a success nonetheless

I lost. And of course, I feel worse.

Time to forget about that, and move on.

I WENT A WHOLE MONTH!!!

That's a huge win, and now I just need to best that.

Lessons Learned

- Stress is my worst enemy.
- I can do this (with help).
- Stress is bad.
- Avoiding stress doesn't work. I need to find ways to work with it and against it, not around it. I took a three day (awesome) vacation, and it seemed to just make the stress issues worse when I returned.
- Did I mention that stress was a bad thing? Looking back over the past 31 days, I can confidently point as stress being the biggest and most obvious trigger to the my lust compulsion. And what's even interesting is that this has nothing to do with sex or intimacy. It is a pure desire for an escape from reality. Intimacy is real, and that doesn't help.

I'm pissed at myself, but I'm confident that I'm trucking in the right direction. I've learned my lessons, now i have to internalize and apply practical lessons.

After next Tuesday or so, stress levels should drop precipitously. So, that's good.

TheJester wrote on 17 Jun 2011 14:35:


honestly, my thoughts have been nowhere bad. Just stressy thoughts. Thoughts of escape, and running away from my problems. We've talked about this before, and now I see exactly where that kind of mindset leads.

The physical buildup was just a very very strong physical compulsion to act out. I've never felt it that strong before, tbh. Mentally, I was ready for battle; I was flanked by the YH, it seems.

At least it's crystal clear why this happened. I don't feel confused about it as much as I feel regret and anger (some at my myself, some at the causes of stress).

Ultimately, the fact that I feel so pissed an down is a good thing. For a while there, I wasn't feeling anything after the fact. It's like a little taste of freedom.

It helps alot to write down all your stressfull things on a paper. They don't look so big once they are just occupying a little paper. An even better idea is to talk them out with someone.
There is also a great book on worry from Dale Carnegie. It was very helpfully to me.

I'm really disappointed for you (not in you, C"V).  However, you seem to have used this to learn a lot about what you can and cannot do alone, so you're moving in the right direction (as are we all, I hope).

And you know you can go at least a month, so that's a really good start.  In fact, despite the fact that it has been some year since I acted out like that, I am also still at the start, myself.

A question (doesn't need an answer, though) - is the stress an excuse, or really a cause?  I do not mean that at all in a judgmental way, and I say it without prejudice.  I guess I mean it as more of a point to think about.  It gets very dangerous when we attribute blame to something (or someone, or the cause of the stress) that is beyond our control.

Then again, maybe we have to realize that it is beyond our control.  who knows?

Cause != excuse.

Also, I'm not shrugging it off, as in "Oh, that was just stress. It wasn't really a fall." I'm not blaming stress, I'm just pointing to it as the underlying cause of my weakness. Ultimately, I made the decision; stress does not make decisions. It just sets the stage.

Like I said, I'm happy because I learned a very important thing about myself. I don't stress out a lot; I'm generally a very stress-averse, chilled out guy, but when I do stress, I don't do it well.

And I sincerely think that without badly managed stress, I can make this battle so much easier. It's a strategy I'll have to research some more.

Glad to see you're right back up and in the battle.  A month is a huge winning streak!  Stress is stressful .  Another strategy, without directly dealing with the stress, is to start counting your blessings, remembering how great life is; and why you're doing all the things that make the stress.  Give the stress purpose, meaning.
Good Shabbos,
Alex

alex, I love that. That's exactly what I needed to hear.

Great thought to go into shabbos with.

Thanks!

I can relate to that, this week has been serious burn out. fallen into a state of depression. a few minutes ago I came close to lapsing into LA. a month ago it would have ended up acting out etc only to ask myself how the hell that happened. I have gained strength over the past few weeks, although it was close Hashem helped me big time. He really saved me from doing something with major regret. that could have killed me off, psychologically with all that I'm currently going through. so yeah i'm disappointed I was not stronger and resisted the temptation, realistically it was a good outcome and must keep my guard (and face) held high. may Hashem be with you too, we all need this personal protection. be strong and determined.