after almost 3 years of lust addiction i already tried plenty of tools (12 steps, handbooks...) and still cannot recover. I don't understand how you guys manage to stay clean  for months or years!! (maybe because you are married...).
R Avrohom Twersky wrote me that starting shiduchim before having recovered is asur.
I am completely lost and don't know what to do!!!!
please help me!
gut shabos

liscen i have no clue who u are, and how deep inside u are.
but:
if u are a regular litvik or chasidik bachur in a normal yeshiva, all u do is porn at night, then . . . ask a diffrent rabbi and ull get the green light to go into shiduchim. (unless u are a very very special case)
100 %.

Hi tshuvayid,

I see you posted before, and went through a few steps already.

Did the K9 filter and SA meetings not work for you?

I wish I could offer advice, but I really do not know your situation, and might not be as knowledgeable as many others who will doubtless rush to help you.

What steps have you taken, and have failed?

kedusha im sorry, it freaked me out....

LV - talk to people who are married...this doesn't get easier. It gets different, maybe.

And being able to abstain is absolutely necessary before you get married, for a whole slew of reasons.

Tshuvayid - for me, the hardest part was realizing that it could be done. Very often, there's this idea that we NEED this drug, that we can't live without it. I told myself that for years. The realization that one day at a time, with hashem's help, we can live without this - that we can be happy, even happier, without it, is very liberating.

im married.
10000 rabbis would tell him yes to marrie even its not the solution.
(he can work it out with sa smate a whatever it is while he is married, ohh hes wife.... nebach... did your wife get what se thaught she is getting...? )  there is halachot what can be said what has to be said, what can be hidden, diffrent rabbis, would let him go through)

If your goal is to stay clean, and you feel that being married will help you do so, keep the following in mind: even when you're married, your wife will, generally, be forbidden to you two weeks out of every four.  So, if you're not able to stay clean for 2 weeks, marriage won't keep you clean.

Furthermore, after giving birth, your wife will usually be forbidden to you for 6 weeks (sometimes more).  Therefore, if you're not able to stay clean for 6 weeks, marriage won't keep you clean.

Also, keep in mind that if you're not actively in recovery, you won't have a clear head to decide if you're making the right choice who to marry.  If she's beautiful, but not really right for you in more important areas, the good looks will likely be too much of a Shochad, unless you're working with the right priorities.  If you are drunk from lust, you're not likely to make the right choice.

 

wow, good point Kedusha - I never thought about it in those terms!!

laagvokeles wrote on 03 Jun 2011 15:07:


This is not a question for just any rabbi (lives are at stake - your future wife and children), but should be discussed with a competent Posek.  Aside from that, any rabbi who would allow someone who is actively addicted (i.e. not in recovery) to marry without disclosing his problem, seems to be viewing this matter as a moral failing, not as an addiction (no rabbi would permit someone to keep active alcoholism a secret).  But, TY recognizes that he has an addiction, so the question does not begin.

Kedusha - it works the other way, as well. Sometimes, a person can say no to someone while dating because of certain character traits that she has, even though they're not bad, but simply because they're too close to things he likes in his secret life, and so he feels are wrong.

For example, a person might secretly want a wife who other people look at, envy, and think of as "hot." Now, in his real life, he knows this is wrong, and he doesn't look for that in shidduchim. However, in his effort to avoid that issue, he might also turn down any girl that's a little on the loud side, even if not inappropriately loud - just because of his own sickness!

LV - so even though it's not the solution, he should ask a rabbi who'll tell him to get married?

I hear.  Either way, the person's judgment is being skewed.

SB
yes