This is my first post on GYE, so...hello!  I have a very serious problem that I am both angry and embarrassed about.  I am currently 20 years old and in Yeshiva, and I have grown up in a house with many TVs and Internet.  I have been looking at Pritzus and been mast**** for YEARS, and about a year ago, I noticed the horrible repercussions of doing so.  Please excuse the graphic language here, but I'm very lost and I have no one else I'm comfortable turning to.  Because I was such a lust addict, I would cause a kishui in various places (home, school, etc.) which was solely known to me (hidden underneath my pants) and my eiver wasn't able to expand because I was wearing underwear.  (Once again, please excuse the graphic nature of my problem).  Just about a year ago (maybe a bit longer), I noticed that as I would have a kishui, my eiver had a distorted look.  Now, it's curved downwards and towards the left side.  I'm bursting in tears in anger for what I have done to myself all these years.  In part, I'm angry with my parents for allowing a Yeshiva bochur to grow up in a home with so much pritzus readily available with the click of a remote or mouse button.  I have made nedarim to try to stop my addiction, but to no avail.  Unfortunately, I seem to lack an understanding of how serious not keeping nedarim is.  I even installed K-9 on all the computers in my house (with my parents' permission, or course) but I was able to find a way around K-9 (a rather simple way to disable it) without knowing the password and having the GYE gabbai as the e-mail recipient and not me.  I am fearful that I will never be able to fully control my Yeitzer HaRa and that I have damaged my eiver for good and I dread being embarrassed before my future wife and any doctor.  Plus, I don't know how easy it will be to perform the "mitzvah" with a curved eiver.  How can I explain my condition to my future wife as being a result of my having mast**** as a young teenager and Yeshiva bochur and not be utterly embarrassed?!  What justification is there in that?  I've asked HaShem to gradually fix my eiver every time I refrain from looking at inappropriate things and causing hotza'as zera l'vatalah (which, unfortunately I take its severity too lightly)!  What am I to do?!  I caused myself a medical condition known as Peyronie's Disease because I did that which is Ra b'einei HaShem!  I would be too embarrassed to tell anyone about my "secret" life.  If there is somebody on this forum who can give me some honest advice, I would be the most appreciative person in the world.  I need to do serious Teshuva, and how can I guarantee that my pact with HaShem will actually succeed?  Will He do a miracle for me and grant my eiver a refuah if I refrain from inappropriate behavior?  PLEASE HELP ME!

Hi.  Let's start with the important stuff first...

I'm not a doctor of medicine.  But are you self-diagnosing?  If so, see a urologist (or general practitioner) for confirmation, because curvature is often normal, and will not affect you in any meaningful way.  Then again, if it is more than "just a curve" and has other indications, you might indeed have Peyronie's Disease.  Has it "lost weight"?  Are there any hard or lumpy bits in it?  Is there any significant pain at any time (other than when you try to bend it back)?  I am familiar with a few people who have a normal (or functional) "curve", but have been very worried.

Now the bad news...  you're probably stuck with something "not straight" for life.  But this is often normal, healthy and won't interfere with very much.  Sorry, but that's the way it is - welcome to the real world, where not everybody is cosmetically perfect.  If indeed you do have Peyronie's Disease, there is a surgical option, but it typically aims to restore functionality, not appearance.

So...  You want a miracle?  This is well beyond my knowledge.  Is this a classic "deal with Hashem" scenario?  "Please, G-d, do this for me and I'll stop doing that"?  Or is it a "I've stopped that awful thing you told me not to do for 3 years, I'm starting to date, and I would humbly request for you to give me what you feel is best for me"?  Not that it makes much of a difference - it's just a matter of understanding your attitude at present.

So if you are looking for a solution for your self, I doubt you'll find one here.  I am personally skeptical of asking for miracles, but that's between you and G-d.

I believe that the fact you are trying to bargain with G-d, in and of itself, requires addressing on a religious or more likely personal level.  You are angry with your parents, angry with yourself, and (you didn't say it) angry at and fearful of G-d.  Looking for love, I see it only in regards to your own body.

You identify clearly and deeply with Yiddishkeit - but your idea of Teshuva is not actually changing, but rather payment for services rendered.  Do you also see it like this, or am I way off the mark?

That you want to change, and you have the guts to post on here is a wonderful first step.  You have humbled yourself, and I imagine this is very hard for you in particular.  I believe that if you keep working on this aspect of yourself, many of your problems will disappear.  There are more solutions to many problems than the obvious ones, and in some ways, we can bring about our own miracles...  That will leave you happier than you could have ever imagined.

Welcome to the forum.

I assume  you've read through some of the posts.

Ill let one of the vetarans welcome you with the links.

Im also new here.

First id like to say that from what I know about the disease its not so clear that its self caused,in fact a lot of people who have it also have issues with other joints and tissue.

You probably will not have an issue if you don have one now and there are ways to slow it down even if there's not a cure.yet.and there probably will be a cure soon.

I don't want to take away your impetus to do teshuvah,but just like jester said
Here are some things I've learned in the short time I've been here.

If you have been acting out and have been trying to stop your probably addicted and therfore sick,you are not a bad person.
a lot of people have had this yetzer harah from before they were even 10 years old.
according to some rishonim its very possible that you have not even had bechirah till now. They hold that your nisayon starts now to see if you will pull yourself out.
You probably do know and appreciate the severity of nedarim because you feel so badly about it.
please read through the forum on the proper way to make nedarim.
nedarim is a wonderful tool only when used correctly.
the yh also knows how to use nedarim.
im sure he already showed you how.

And just to show you how awesome gye is im going to tell you that almost all people in this forum including myself have had" kishui" in their pants

Later

YGPM.  There are some things that others really don't need to know

You sound overwhelmed, and this can be overwhelming. You have to remember a few things:

- You coulnt have come to a better place. Having a chevra in the same boar as you is a life saver.

- if you try to tackle the entire problem at once, you will fail. This bigger and stronger than any one person, and you have to take things incrementally. The guiding philosophy here and in many other addiction Programs (incluing AA) is "one day at a time". This is no different. Worry about you medical problem after you've started to control the issues that brought you to that point.

- if you make an honest start at stopping, you will find that h' helps you. It's a wonderful feeling.

- an addiction does not define you. You have a disease an you need to medicate it. You sound like a pretty sincere guy already, so do your best to get cured, and don't focus on how va of a person you are (the fact that you're here shows that you aren't)

- finally, stick aroun here. It's a great place yay helps a lot of people. I think you'll find it helps you too.

One of the first steps in recovery is accepting that we have a mental problem, disease, whatever you want to call it - we are powerless over our thoughts.  You are in a sense powerless and crazy to think that you have distorted the shape of your eiver.  If you ask most physicians, they will tell you that it is virtually impossible to have caused this.  What is really "bent" out of shape is your seichel and your self-esteem.  You feel guilty and shameful and so it's distorting your perception of reality.  You were created in Gcd's image, with all lovely shapes and sizes.

When I was a kid, very young (13) I found a type of cream in my friend's basement, and I used it to m***.  Well, the cream was actually a type of hair dye, and the instructions said DO NOT PUT ON SKIN.  well guess what, I got burns on my eiver.  very bad burns that hurt for over a week.  I vowed never to m*** again, but 15 years later that neder didn't exactly pan out.  Anything thank Heavens I eventually stopped, still struggling.  But those burns did in fact leave a small mark on my eiver, hardly noticeable.

All this to say, I feel your pain.  But your shape has likely nothing to do with what you did, rather, how you were born.  Many people are similarly shaped.  And many woman are also
"shaped" specifically for eivers like this.  So all is good, work on your emunah, keeping talking to Gcd, asking for help.  You might just get it!!

With all the problems that masturbation causes, it would not normally cause this problem.  It would be a good idea to get a physical exam by a physician to see what is going on.

Kedusha wrote on 26 May 2011 15:34:


Ah - a moderator.  Would you like to combine these duplicate threads, please? (this one and this one.)

Thank you sooo much guys for everything you've said.  It definitely gives me some direction.  But I'm uneasy about going to a doctor because he will probably ask me how and when I first noticed this problem (and, of course, it's only really noticeable as I have a kishui, which is also when I first noticed the problem) and I can't see myself explaining to another person (in person) that I masturbated for all these years (even that I masturbated at all!).  Plus, I'm still living at home, with my parents.  I can't really sneak out to the urologist and when asked where I went, lie to my parents and say I went out with some friends (or can I?)!  I'm just too embarrassed!  That's why I came to post on GYE; to get YOUR advice on what to do.

(P.S. Jester, I just wanted to be sure that someone would read my post; I've never posted on GYE before and didn't know how it works.  And thank you for your advice.)

My Dear FrumGuy,
Welcome to GYE.  You've come to the right place to begin addressing your addiction.  Your story of growing up with so much pritzus at your fingertips is unfortunately all too common.  Your parents spend their hard-earned money to pay your yeshiva tuition and want the best for you.  Unfortunately, not every parent is so savvy about what's out there, and what kids can get into (e.g., teens are now having Skype sex).  Sure, your parents might have done more to shelter you, but who's to blame is irrelevant.

Now it's completely up to you.

You are fortunate to be tackling this at your relatively young age.  I was more than twice your age before I even knew that what I had was an addiction, and not just an overactive libido.

You need to separate your addiction from your eiver issue.  The eiver issue is a wake-up call from HKB"H.  He obviously loves you and believes you're worth sending messages to.  Now that you've heard your message, the eiver issue has done it's job and is no longer really part of the solution.

Recovery from addiction isn't a deal with G-d, though you will certainly need His syata dishmaya.  It is a commitment to free yourself from your prison of lust addiction, with no strings attached.  Just because you can't go on being a lust addict.  Just because you want true happiness, not lust-drug highs.  Only with this motivation will you succeed.

So read the GYE handbook. Learn about the Steps. And make a commitment to yourself to do whatever it takes to break free.

Here with you,
Alex

Thanks sooo much guys for all your advice.  I know I've come to the right place.  Alex, I appreciate all you've said.  And I have been receiving GYE e-mails for the past few months, but to no avail.  I just hadn't had anyone to talk to; to express my concerns.  I'm willing to separate my eiver issue with breaking free of my addiction, but I'm still very concerned about how my eiver may affect me in the future.  Is this something I should just forget about now?  It's hard to say, but I just can't!  It's been on my conscience for so long.  I'm fearful of the future, of the unknown.

FrumGuy,
Please see my post on your other thread in Introduce Yourself.

If my son came to me and said I have a problem with my eiver and would like to see a specialist about it, I would be happy to make the appointment for him.  If I asked him what the problem was, and he answered that he is too embarassed to discuss it with me, I would certainly understand and let it go.  And if he did tell me, I would think nothing of it.  It is very common and normal to awake from sleep with a kishui (nocturnal penile tumescence -- normal).  The urologist will ask you some very personal questions and you can answer them honestly.  He will assume you m...., all of his other patients do.  You are at an age where if you ask, the doctor is obligated to guard your confidentiality and not discuss your personal medical issues with your parents, regardless of who's paying the bill.  Doctors take this confidentiality very seriously.

Alex

Alex replied to you in the other post.

Thank you, Alex.  No doubt this would be one of the hardest things I have ever said to any of my parents.  Thanks for your support, and thanks to everyone who has already posted.

You don't have to say anything embarrassing. Just say that you think you have a problem "down there" and would like to see a urologist about. most normal parents wouldn't pry on that one, unless they have reason to suspect something. If they do, and you can't get away from it, just tell the truth: Your eiver seems permanently crooked. If they really talk to you more about it, then you'll just politely say "I don't really comfortable talking about it, I really just want to see a doctor about to make sure it isn't anything serious."

Shoudln't be too bad